Words on Bathroom Walls

Fiction | Novel | YA | Published in 2017

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Themes

Only You Can “Fix” Yourself

In the early chapters of Words on Bathroom Walls, Adam posits that the therapy portion of the ToZaPrex trial is of little use because only the drug can “fix” him. As his ToZaPrex dosage increases and the hallucinations become easier to distinguish from reality, Adam clings to this idea, placing all his hopes for a “normal” life in the drug. By the end of the book, Adam realizes the importance of therapy—its goal isn’t to “fix” him, but to help him learn resilience and self-tolerance in the face of his illness.

The novel’s form—a series of therapy journal entries—illustrates two processes: the quick benefits and eventual failure of ToZaPrex to control Adam’s hallucinations, and the gradual progress Adam makes in becoming less ashamed and more at peace with his schizophrenia. While his body eventually develops immunity to the once promising medication, Adam’s outlook changes as he grows to understand how to live with his illness. Unlike ToZaPrex, the changes he makes in his psyche are long-lasting.

Paul and Ian also “fix” how they think about Adam specifically and mental illness in general. Paul begins the book afraid that Adam might endanger the family, but as he sees what Adam’s illness actually entails, he realizes his fear is an irrational, kneejerk reaction rather than a productive response. Similarly, Ian first gleefully thinks of Adam’s schizophrenia as a secret he can lord over Adam—retribution for Adam pushing Ian out into the hallway naked. However, after Adam’s outing leads to his hospitalization, Ian takes responsibility for his harmful stunt. He simultaneously sees the seriousness of Adam’s illness and realizes that Adam poses no danger to anyone except possibly himself.

At the end of the book, Maya tells Adam to comfort Rebecca if she needs it, implying that every part of us is worth helping. Maya recognizes that Rebecca is part of Adam, and that Adam must work on all of him, including his hallucinations, to truly “fix” himself. Adam, Paul, and Ian end the book with more knowledge and less fear than they had at the beginning.

Reality Is Subjective

Adam’s schizophrenia means his brain operates in a unique way: He finds it difficult for him to perceive the difference between shared reality and his hallucinations. Adam laments not being able to trust his senses the way other people can, unable to accept that his reality is real to him, regardless of its conditions. Adam’s hallucinations are his thoughts and emotions manifested as people and places. They make up Adam’s individual reality, so they are no less real to him just because they are in his head. The novel posits an interesting upside to Adam’s hallucinations: They allow him to hear and process information as conversation, which could allow him to reach a greater understanding of his psychological state. It’s important to note that the novel offers only one example of schizophrenia. Walton acknowledges that every person’s experience (reality) is different by having Adam discuss his specific schizophrenia symptoms, rather than defining the disease more broadly.

The novel does its best to compare Adam’s outlier perspective with similar, though less atypical, types of perception. Maya also views reality through a subjective lens, perceiving others in a way not necessarily shared by anyone else: She dislikes people because she believes they are phony, hiding behind lies and false appearances. Maya believes most of the people she interacts with have ulterior motives. For instance, when Adam cooks dinner for her family, Maya assumes he does so because Maya’s family is poor. In truth, Adam cooks because he wants to do something nice for her, but Maya can’t see the truth because her version of reality prevents it.

Adam is the only one who sees his hallucinations, but that doesn’t “make my experiences any less real” (283). Maya assumes others put up false fronts and that they make assumptions about her. These things aren’t true, but she believes they are, and thus, they are real to her. Adam and Maya illustrate that everyone perceives the world in their own way.

Accepting the Consequences of Our Choices

The novel’s characters make choices that they assume will benefit them; later, they must accept the consequences of those choices, whether good or bad. Adam decides to keep his schizophrenia a secret from the kids at St. Agatha’s, to protect himself from repeating what happened the last time friends learned about his disease. Even as Adam’s body habituates to ToZaPrex, making it more difficult to hide his illness, Adam sticks by his choice. When she learns about Adam’s illness, Maya decides to continue her relationship with Adam. Ian chooses to expose Adam at prom, but in the wake of that decision, Ian must confront the harm his choice brought about.

Adam’s greatest hope is that ToZaPrex will cure him so that he never has to tell anyone about his schizophrenia. His fear of being shunned keeps him from telling Maya. By not telling Maya, Adam makes increasingly dangerous choices to keep his secret, culminating with an overdose of ToZaPrex. Ultimately, not telling her takes away his choices altogether: Maya still finds out, but through Ian’s video, jeopardizing their relationship. Maya is understandably shocked when she learns the truth, and she is hurt that Adam kept the illness a secret, even if she understands why he did so. Adam’s consequence for keeping his secret is being exposed, rather than revealing his condition on his own terms.

Maya has Adam’s schizophrenia thrust upon her. She struggles to accept Adam’s illness, but once she overcomes her initial fear, she chooses to stay at Adam’s side. She accepts the consequences of loving someone, a major decision even when mental illness is not involved.

Ian represents not thinking decisions through. He believes playing the video of Adam’s breakdown will benefit him and bring retaliatory shame to Adam—fair retribution for the embarrassment of Adam pushing him naked into the school hallway. However, when Adam has a serious schizophrenic episode and is hospitalized, Ian realizes his mistake. He apologizes and learns a lesson, but he cannot undo his action. His choice brought about consequences he didn’t expect, which shows the importance of considering decisions carefully.

The characters in Words on Bathroom Walls make decisions with the information they have. Some of those decisions have the consequences they expect, while others unleash new trials. Adam and Ian make choices without considering all the potential outcomes—Adam doesn’t see how keeping his schizophrenia a secret can harm him, and Ian doesn’t consider his actions may have serious effects. Maya starts off unsure, but after considering multiple angles, she realizes the possible consequences of her choice and decides to deal with any negative effects as they come.