White Oleander

Rena makes Astrid sell the expensive clothing that Claire bought her, asking her what she could be saving them for. This thought haunts Astrid as she realizes she has little to look forward to. Rena tells Astrid she can keep the money she earns, reminding her that she does not need items to remember her past. Astrid makes $400. A few days later, Rena and her friends are partying, and one of them starts coming on to Astrid in her room. He is completely drunk, and Astrid has to beat him off with her drawing board. Astrid tries to tell Rena, but she is in the middle of a sexual act with her boyfriend on the couch. They do not stop for Astrid, and Astrid returns to her room to find the other man asleep in her bed. She lies in Yvonne’s bed, wondering who she has become.

Astrid gives up the idea of college, starts smoking hash with Niki, and distances herself from the optimism she had while with Claire. She returns to the comic store to pick up the letters she knows are left there for her. Inside are a series of comic-style drawings by Paul, depicting Astrid as a girl he wishes to see again someday and as “a girl on a white horse in a comic book sky” (336). At home, Rena’s boyfriend, Sergei, starts hitting on Astrid. Niki tries to fend him off by telling him about Paul, but he continues harassing Astrid. Astrid soon meets up with her new caseworker, who hands her a stack of letters from Ingrid. Astrid has not written to Ingrid since Claire died, and she is reluctant to open that door again. At home, Astrid reads one of Ingrid's letters, which starts by berating her for not writing and guilting her by describing how horrible it is to live in segregation. Ingrid describes how she has kept her mind occupied in isolation, daydreaming of far-off places and what she might see there. She calls Claire a weakling and tells Astrid, “The pain we cannot bear will kill us outright” (341).

Yvonne is eight weeks away from her due date and sweats profusely at night. Astrid helps her cool off, comforting her. Yvonne had one child before that she gave up and plans to do the same again. Comforting Yvonne and thinking about her baby makes Astrid want to connect with her mother again: “I hated my mother but I craved her. I wanted to understand how she could fill my world with such beauty, and could also say, that woman was born to OD” (346). Astrid decides to read another of Ingrid’s letters. This one details the sounds that Ingrid hears at night, such as her cellmate masturbating, the rats in the kitchen, and the guards playing cards. Ingrid describes her speculations of the dreams her cellmates have, such as being beaten by their spouses or, opposingly, touched lovingly by them. Others may dream of crime or money, but “best are the freedom dreams” (348) of being out of prison and allowed to roam. The women also dream of losing their children, as many have by being sentenced; they often call out in the night for them. Ingrid admits that she, too, dreams of this and describes losing Astrid as looking away for a second at a supermarket.

Astrid resents these implications, believing that she was instead neglected for her entire life. Now that she is grown, Ingrid fails to recognize her and pines for something that no longer exists. In the next letter, Ingrid talks about love being a liability and how she sometimes wishes Astrid were dead, so she did not have to worry about her. Astrid believes that, in truth, Ingrid wishes her dead because she did not turn out like her. Astrid decides to cut up all of Ingrid’s letters from over the years, disconnecting herself from Ingrid and her way of viewing the world. She picks out cut-up words and rearranges them into a poem about her hatred for her mother: “fuck you insane person dissonant and querulous; my gas tanks marked FULL” (355). She sends the poem to Ingrid.

Astrid describes the crisp winds of March and the clear skies. She sees the world as full of possibility once more. Astrid reads Ingrid’s reply, which scoffs at her attempts to break free: “I made you. I formed the thoughts you find, the moods you carry. Your blood whispers my name. Even in rebellion, you are mine” (357). Ingrid brags about all the people visiting her after reading her poems. She also has a new attorney, and Astrid worries about her release. Astrid cuts out a photo of a war battlefield, thinking of all those who died, including Barry and Claire. She sends it to Ingrid with the caption, “WHO ARE YOU REALLY” (361).

One afternoon, Sergei approaches Astrid and starts talking about how he knows the truth about her. He starts advancing on her, giving her a stolen necklace. Sergei and Astrid have sex, and Astrid does not recognize herself in the mirror; she once again becomes a victim of statutory rape. Ingrid writes back to Astrid, telling her to forget the past. Soon after, a couple of girls show up at Rena’s house. They say they are friends of Ingrid’s who visit her weekly and are amazed by her insights. Astrid is disturbed, and when the girls claim that Ingrid did not kill Barry, Astrid corrects them harshly. They then try to justify Ingrid’s actions, and Astrid dismisses them.

Astrid takes acid with Niki and watches as the sky becomes blank above her. She starts to feel isolated and as if she cannot ignore the decay around her, describing herself as “just more of the city’s detritus” (374). She lives in a neighborhood forgotten by the world. It is a place for those who have given up on life and choose to live outside of it. Astrid falls into a bad drug experience and starts to feel herself separating from reality. She takes Niki to the art gallery, where she feels calm and safe. Staring into the paintings, she starts to feel herself becoming a part of them but also begins to come back to reality simultaneously. Niki takes Astrid to the bathroom, where she sees herself in the mirror as haggard and strange. When Astrid goes pee, she says, “Make tinkle for Annie” (378). Astrid ponders the capacity of humans to endure suffering. Astrid falls asleep with strange thoughts and awakes the next morning to cut out the words, “WHO IS ANNIE” (380) from various newspaper comics.

Astrid accompanies Yvonne to her baby class. Astrid has a great time, feeling like she is playing pretend and still coming off her acid trip. Later, Astrid sits outside with Rena, drawing a sketch of her, watching her tease the men working nearby, and listening to her scoff at the importance of a long life. She tells Astrid, “Don’t worry, be happy. Buy something” (385). Astrid continues going to school, hoping to at least graduate high school, although she has no current college prospects. Rena gets the idea to buy blank license plate frames and have Astrid paint them to sell. Astrid agrees, feeling like she finally fits in with Rena’s way of life.

Ingrid’s lawyer, Susan, is an intimidating but small woman and comes to confront Astrid, who has been avoiding her calls. Susan starts telling Astrid she is bright and brings up the death of Claire, trying to catch Astrid being vulnerable. Susan tries to tell Astrid that Ingrid could not have been responsible for Claire’s death, but Astrid blames her partly because Ingrid purposely said things to Claire that would push her in that direction. When Astrid exposes Susan’s motivation to have Astrid lie for Ingrid in court, Susan suggests going for a drive. In the car, Susan becomes even more manipulative, asking Astrid why she cares about Barry and why she wants her mother to remain in prison. Susan tells Astrid that Ingrid loves her dearly and wants desperately to be with her again, and Astrid starts to believe it. However, the deception instantly fails when Susan suggests that Astrid talk to her and be open to the possibility that her mother has changed. Astrid remembers all of the letters Ingrid has sent her and knows she has not changed. She gloats about the fact that Ingrid needs her for the first time. With this thought, Astrid agrees to see Ingrid. She ponders a poem that her mother once wrote, comparing the growth of a woman to the formation of a river, all the while suffering and being used. Astrid sees herself as different: “alive despite everything, guarding the secrets of survival” (396).

Astrid accompanies Yvonne to the hospital to give birth to her baby. It is a difficult labor, and they are there for hours. Astrid ponders the reality of pain and the human body, thinking, “I hurt, therefore I am” (401). Yvonne is vomiting and in extreme pain, and the nurse refuses to give her any drugs. Astrid believes she is judging Yvonne for being a young mother and foster child. Yvonne calls out for her mother, despite the serious abuses she perpetrated. Astrid believes that Yvonne, and other women in the ward, are not calling out for the abusive, selfish mothers they know; instead, they beg for “the real mother, the blood mother, the great womb, mother of a fierce compassion, a woman large enough to hold all the pain, to carry it away” (404). The baby is finally born and given away before Yvonne sees it.

Weeks pass, and Astrid graduates but does not attend the ceremony and begins thinking about where she might end up. Astrid is skeptical of the future, believing she will fade into an average life. Astrid lies beside Yvonne, watches the clouds go by, and thinks that she is at least lucky to have friends like her and Niki. Astrid starts painting furniture and other items to sell, and Rena advertises her as a future famous artist. Yvonne decides to move out with her new boyfriend, and Astrid knows she will miss her dearly.

It is August, and the air is hot and dry again, yet, the oleanders bloom. Astrid is reminded of her mother. She reflects on the ability of oleanders to survive in the worst of circumstances and wonders why they need poison. She wonders why her mother needed to poison Barry when she was already such a strong person. After Yvonne moves out, 13-year-old Tasha moves in, and Astrid takes her under her wing. Astrid receives a letter from Ingrid that remarks on the six years it has been since she was imprisoned, then trails off into a monologue about the meaning of love. Astrid feels like if her mother could only be honest, she would even be willing to lie for her. Niki moves out of Rena’s house next, and two other young girls move in. “Astrid finally receives a call—“in the furnace of oleander time” (418)—

from Susan, who schedules a visit with Ingrid.

When Astrid visits Ingrid, Ingrid looks the same, although more tanned and wrinkled. Astrid has changed significantly and wears her new persona as “Rena’s girl” (418) with pride. Astrid tells her mother she will only lie for her if she submits to a line of questions about her past. Astrid asks about her father, how he met Ingrid, and what she saw in him. Ingrid met Klaus at a drug party in the summer, falling for his easygoing nature. Klaus painted but also did drugs and drank, and Ingrid describes him as mediocre. Klaus saw Astrid as more of a toy than something to take care of, and once left her alone in her crib while he went out drinking. That night, his paints caught on fire, and Astrid nearly burned alive. Ingrid tells Astrid that Klaus did not love her but admits that he appeared a few times throughout Astrid’s childhood to check on her. Ingrid sent him away, and he eventually gave up.

Astrid continues to push, knowing she can, and inquires about Annie. Ingrid admits that she was desperate and felt trapped by being a mother and confesses to leaving Astrid with Annie for a year. She had come to resent Klaus, seeing him as weak and selfish. Ingrid tells Astrid that her new hardness scares her and asks Astrid to consider why Ingrid came back for her instead. Astrid knows now that waiting for her mother has been “the constant in [her] life” (429) all along. Ingrid admits to having endless regrets, and Astrid finally sees a genuine, vulnerable side of her mother. Astrid agrees to lie for Ingrid and asks if Ingrid would sacrifice anything to have Astrid back to her old self. Ingrid admits that she would, and she hugs her daughter.

Years have passed, and Ingrid’s trial is over. Astrid is living in Berlin with Paul, and she adores the city. She sculpts now, finding inspiration in everyday materials, “an outgrowth of [her] time with Rena” (433). Astrid might have an opportunity to attend an art school but relishes her outsider lifestyle with Paul. She uses suitcases to create a type of diorama inside, calling them “secret, portable museums” (434). Claire’s suitcase resembles a silk-lined coffin and contains pills, pearls, and a photograph of Audrey Hepburn. Each of these mothers taught Astrid something she cherishes—something which shaped her. The suitcase for Ingrid smells of violets, which Astrid always remembers as her scent. Astrid writes to her mother, keeps in touch with Yvonne, and will see Niki when she comes to Berlin with her band. Paul reads in the newspaper that Ingrid has been found innocent without Astrid’s help. Ingrid has offers from magazines and men who want to marry her. Astrid comforts herself with the thought that Ingrid loves her, regardless of her flaws. Astrid asks Paul if he ever wants to go home, and Paul remarks that “you can never go home” (441). Astrid has an inner desire to flee, something she feels is the mark of a foster child, and ponders the possibility of living with her mother again. Astrid recalls meeting Klaus and finding her half-siblings there, semi-neglected. Klaus was ordinary and shabby, an aging man still painting in a small home. Astrid decides to stay with Paul but knows she will always miss California and her mother: “No matter where I went, my compass pointed west” (446).