Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

Spent, a 48-year-old nurse, writes in feeling exhausted and defeated from dealing with her job, perimenopause, and homeschooling during the pandemic. She wants encouragement from Sugar for the days when she feels overwhelmed by the demands put on her.

Sugar attests that she has also been feeling the stress of menopause, full-time work, and having kids in remote learning during the pandemic. She goes as far as saying that this is her worst year since her mother died. Not knowing what else would work, Sugar, a nonbeliever, attended a Zoom session of prayers at a Unitarian church. She submitted a prayer for a struggling friend, week after week, and broke down in tears. She urges Spent to try to find something beautiful in this scenario that neither of them can comprehend in order to have the strength to keep going.

Twenty-Five, a 25-year-old woman, feels that she has wasted her life watching TV and going on social media instead of learning languages or making a difference in the world. She wants to know how to create a meaningful life.

Sugar advocates that Twenty-Five is being called to change her life, although she does not exactly know how, and that it is perfectly OK and something that Sugar went through herself. She urges Twenty-Five to examine the difficult feelings in her letter. She should explore the origins of her curiosity, creativity, and fears by writing these down in a notebook; this will change her pattern from rumination to doing, and she will find herself meeting her goals. She will eventually find she needs to test herself by relinquishing what has kept her safe and comfortable and put herself up for challenges, as Sugar did when she walked the Pacific Crest Trail solo in the wake of her mother’s death.

Estranged Daughter, a woman approaching her 40th birthday, wonders if she should send her soon-to-be-70-year-old mother a birthday card, despite having severed connection with her for abuse and manipulation.

Sugar shares the story of the numbness she had when her father died a month earlier, after she had been estranged from him for years. While his death was a novelty, Sugar had already grieved the loss of a father decades ago. Still, despite herself, she found it sad that she could not be bereaved when her father truly died and when all chances to communicate with him were over. She insists there is no manual of right actions for how an estranged adult child should behave toward an abusive parent. However, she consoles Estranged Daughter that the action of sending or not sending a birthday card will not change how strong and independent she is now. She should trust her gut and think about what she wants to do rather than how her mother will react. Sugar adds that the idea of a door that can be shut in the relationship is a mere metaphor to pretend that there is something solid to hide behind, whereas in reality, it is one’s own strength that enables one to set such boundaries.

Afraid, a man whose girlfriend left him on reading Sugar’s column “The Truth That Lives There,” feels that his future happiness has been ruined. The girlfriend did not give a reason for breaking up but said that she had been having doubts for a long time and that they were preventing each other from finding the person they were truly suited to. Afraid disagrees, worrying that she is the best love he will ever have.

Sugar regrets Afraid’s pain but charges him with the responsibility for mending his broken heart and moving on. When his ex-girlfriend read Sugar’s column, she recognized herself and was following not Sugar’s instructions but instead her truth. She insists that it would be worst of all for Afraid to stay with someone who did not want to be with him.

Despairing, a 29-year-old woman of color, wants to be part of the change she wants to see in the world but is doubtful of her potential to do that. She used to think that getting involved in politics or community projects would help but is no longer sure about this.

Sugar tells Despairing that the work she does every day to improve the world is essential, even if it seems invisible and events occur to counter it. Instead of seeing her despair as a sign that she should turn away from her vocation, she should embrace the challenge. Sugar relates a story of cleaning up her run-down school while others tried to sabotage her hard work, emphasizing that negative feelings do not oppose one’s capacity to do the work or to inspire others to join the fight. Despairing should accept that social change is not linear and that it encompasses a narrative that contains losses as well as gains.

Worried, a mother, wonders whether Sugar would insist on her kids taking a cell phone to a backpacking trip that was over a week long.

Sugar says that while she would worry, she would not want to deny her kids the character-building privilege of cell-phone-free liberty. By being disconnected from her and the world, they will discover more about who they are.