The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self

“Integrity is the cure for unhappiness. Period.”

This brief line, essentially an opening thesis statement for the book as a whole, presents integrity as being the means toward emotional healing and wholeness, which becomes a major theme within the book. Beck intends for integrity to be understood both as an inner state of unity with oneself (thus as an end goal for the journey) as well as a practical methodology by which one moves toward that goal.

“It’s simple logic: if you don’t walk your true path, you don’t find your true people. You end up in places you don’t like, learning skills that don’t fulfill you, adopting values and customs that feel wrong.”

Here we see Beck’s relativistic use of the idea of “truth” as being a subjective and personal reality, not an objective and universal one. This ties in with Beck’s view of culture, which she sees not as a system of practical embodiments of universal truths and/or values within a community, but rather as an arbitrary system of relative values that, if applied to entire populations, will act as a source of repression on individuals who are geared toward different values. The passage also reflects her theme of the importance of Learning to Read Our Internals Signs in order to discover what is or is not in keeping with our true path.

“Fortunately, I can direct you to a surefire next step, the single step that will put you squarely on the way of integrity. It has never failed me or any of my clients. And it’s so simple: just tell the truth about how lost you are.”

This quote comes from the beginning of Stage 1, in which Beck’s intention is simply to get her readers to assess their current situation and to understand whether their internal signals are pointing them toward the necessity of making a change. The statement above, with its emphasis on simplicity and a “single step,” reflects Beck’s theme of Finding Meaningful Change Through Small Steps.

“Listen: the problem isn’t how hard you’re working, it’s that you’re working on things that aren’t right for you. Your goals and motivations aren’t harmonizing with your deepest truth. They didn’t come from your own natural inclinations. They came from the two forces that drive us all off our true paths: trauma and socialization.”

Beck uses this section of Chapter 2 to establish her view of human psychology—namely, that we all have an inner self whose values and desires drive our reactions and emotions, but of which we might be unaware because we are living in ways contrary to its guidance. When this happens, our psychological state becomes one of frustration and discontent, and this can only be remedied by learning to listen to cues from the “deepest truth” inside us—not by working harder and harder to overcome our frustrations by sheer willpower.

“There may be a reality out there, but we can perceive it only through the filter of our subjective perceptions, which means that no one can ever know what’s absolutely true. Kant’s reasoning felt right to me, and also mind-blowingly paradoxical: it’s absolutely true that nothing is absolutely true, including this statement.”

Here Beck encapsulates the epistemology of Immanuel Kant’s transcendental idealism, which posits that we cannot know anything for certain because our knowledge is always contingent upon our own subjective inner perceptions. Beck follows that up by making a metaphysical claim about the actual nature of reality itself, not only our knowledge of it—“it’s absolutely true that nothing is absolutely true.” This metaphysical claim is a further logical leap from Kant’s position, and while some philosophers hold a position similar to the one espoused by Beck, it is not accepted by all modern philosophical schools of thought.

“[L]istening to our inner teacher is the most important skill we need to follow the way of integrity. When we meet external soul teachers, we know to trust them only because we feel the ring of truth internally. And even when no external teacher is available, the inner teacher always is.”

This is a central part of Beck’s depiction of our own deepest nature as an “inner teacher,” a soul guide whose emotional and psychological cues guide us toward those actions that we find truly fulfilling. Beck emphasizes the role of the inner teacher for several reasons. First, it is one’s own deepest self that ultimately holds the values that will bring us harmony and contentment, so becoming attuned to its cues is the only way to true integrity. Second, whereas Dante and Beck herself both had books and people around them to serve as external soul teachers, Beck acknowledges that not every person might find a resource like that, and they should not be dissuaded from pursuing integrity just because of the lack of an external guide.

“Ultimately, leaving denial is the most productive, grounding, calming thing we could possibly do. But for most of us, it’s still terrifying. We live in the unarticulated but desperate hope that we’ll never have to look at the secret things.”

Here Beck addresses those issues that she terms “hellgates,” the “secret things” in our lives that we would rather never address. When she speaks of “leaving denial,” she means that we need to stop turning away from those issues as if denying their existence, and find ways of acknowledging their reality while also moving past them.

“As I see it, hell is suffering—particularly any suffering that feels inescapable. You may remember that I make a distinction between the words pain and suffering: Pain comes from events, while suffering comes from the way we handle events—what we do about them and, especially, what we think about them.”

In this quote, Beck relates Dante’s entry into hell with our experience of suffering. She makes a distinction between pain—which cannot be avoided—and suffering, which she claims can be avoided. With this distinction in mind, she asserts that readers are better equipped to accept the reality of pain in their lives while not giving room for suffering to maintain a permanent hold on them.

“First, [Byron] Katie asks the simple question ‘Is that thought true?’ Then she follows up with slightly different wording: ‘Can you absolutely know that thought is true?’”

Beck draws frequently on the psychological methodology devised by Byron Katie, usually referred to as “the Work.” That methodology consists of subjecting one’s thoughts to careful inquiry, and Byron Katie suggests four such questions, the first two of which Beck features here. By subjecting our thoughts to these two questions, it introduces the possibility of doubt into issues that we might previously have assumed to be true, regardless of the negative effects they were having on us.

“People in the grip of their righteous minds generally believe that their personal moral codes are logical, rational, and universally true. But research shows that such judgments actually come from emotional reactions, shaped by specific cultures. This means that the violent mind literally can’t hear reason. It shuts down our ability to make thoughtful judgments.”

This quote comes from Beck’s encouragement for her readers to consider the impact of anger in their lives. She suggests that while some anger can be a proper reaction to unjust circumstances, in many cases it represents the reflexive self-righteousness of a rigid moral code that feels itself faced with a threat. Beck advises us to assess our own symptoms of anger to discern where they come from, in the hope that we can begin to judge issues clearly.

“The moment you begin any creative activity, you leave the realm of violence, which knows only destruction. Shifting from righteous self-defense into creativity can catalyze life-changing, even world-changing action.”

Beck advises her readers to consider channeling their energy away from reflexive anger and violence, and instead toward creativity. Following the impulse to run to one’s own defense can often just exacerbate a conflict, but transferring that reaction into a more creative outlet can produce startlingly positive results.

“Lying, like a ubiquitous blood-sucking insect, is insidious partly because it’s so small, so common, so nearly invisible. And lying enables every other type of evil.”

This quote comes from a context in which Beck is trying to describe the seriousness of lying, which many people regard as a fairly commonplace misbehavior. Beck compares this to the question of which animals are the most dangerous to be around, and points out that more human deaths result from the commonplace mosquito than from larger and more terrifying beasts, like sharks or bears. Lying, while common, can lead to some of the most dangerous conditions in our inner lives.

“Every lie you stop telling is like a layer of soil in your archaeological dig toward your core truth, your full inner integrity. As it continues, you may unearth fake pretenses of happiness and dishonest excuses for people who’ve treated you badly.”

Here we see Beck’s theme of making progress by incremental steps, carefully taking off layer after layer in the archaeology of our souls. This quote also shows Beck’s tendency to associate the practical features of integrity with the cessation of lying, which includes not only verbal lies but acting under false pretenses of various kinds.

“You are infinitely worthy. You are infinitely precious. You have always been enough. You will always be enough. There is no place you don’t belong. You are loveable. You are loved. You are love.”

This quote comes from Beck’s account of a mystical experience she had while undergoing a surgical procedure, around the same time that she became aware of recovered memories of her childhood sexual abuse. She perceived some kind of light above her, which spoke the words of this quote. They represent an affirmation she has held on to throughout the subsequent years, and are an expression of a series of core truths that she believes all her readers should know.

“So if you’re standing at the base of a difficult purgatory right now, wanting desperately to live your truth but terrified of what will happen if you do, I really, really get it. And I repeat: even here, integrity is the way to happiness.”

Beck is seeking to encourage her readers to undertake the steepest and most difficult part of the journey: moving from internal self-reflection to an actual modification of one’s outward life so as to better align with one’s inner values. In the preceding context of this quote, Beck has shared her own difficult story of deciding to live by her vision of truth, which necessitated a series of painful breaks from her past life. She underscores one of the book’s major themes in this sympathetic and personal way, pointing out, yet again, Integrity as the Key to Emotional Healing.

“Once you’ve experimented with telling and acting on your truth for a limited period of time, you may choose to do one of three things: continue moving into more integrity; keep wandering around purgatory by staying at exactly the level of self-disclosure you’ve reached; or go back to whatever secrets, lies, and habits you’ve abandoned. The first choice—committing to complete integrity—may sound radical. But endlessly circling purgatory at one level gets dull, and reverting to old lies is like repairing an airplane with parts that dissolve in the rain.”

While Beck normally advises progressing by means of slow, incremental steps, at this juncture she calls for readers to make a critical decision. Since they are now at the point of concrete action that may lead to major transformations, it is no longer a question of small steps here or there, but of whether one will ascend the steep slope of the mountain to which all those small steps have led them.

“Once we commit to being our true selves in every word and action, we emanate the love that is our essence. Having left the anguish of being split and come into the blessed relief of being whole and undivided, we want—deeply want—to offer the same relief to others.”

With the mountain of purgatory now ascended, Beck expresses the kind of relief and peace that can come from having attained a full measure of inner integrity. She is particularly keen on emphasizing that this call to personal integrity by the pursuit of your own desires and values is not a selfish ambition, but will naturally overflow into good outcomes for all those around you.

“Every day you make thousands of tiny decisions about what to do with your time. Every single choice is a chance to turn toward the life you really want. Repeatedly putting a little less time into what you don’t love, and a little more into what you do love, is your next step on the way of integrity.”

With a broad measure of integrity already achieved by bringing one’s outward life into conformity with one’s inward values, now the process of living in integrity becomes easier. The way of integrity is inherent in all the little choices we have before us every day, as we choose those things that accord with our values. This ties in with Beck’s theme of Finding Meaningful Change Through Small Steps.

“Remember, culture imbues almost all of us with the ‘primal shame’ that tells us our true nature is somehow bad. So we hide parts of ourselves, even from ourselves. Then we feel desperately alone, yearning to be truly seen and loved as we are.”

This quote illustrates again the negative view that Beck holds regarding culture. It also underscores the fact that her vision of human flourishing is based on a positive assessment of human nature—namely, that we are naturally geared toward love and goodness—rather than on an assessment that includes negative aspects, such as innate selfishness or violence that cultural norms might curtail, as other religious and philosophical traditions suggest.

“[O]ur brains are biologically programmed to move toward awakening. This process kicks in every time we drop attachment to belief, shut down the ‘separation’ and ‘control’ areas of our brains, and allow ourselves to align with our true nature.”

Here Beck takes the results of a neurological study that shows that people who report a sense of personal enlightenment often have less brain activity in those areas that relate to a sense of distinct identity from the world around them and to the desire to maintain control of events. Beck applies those results in a universal manner, suggesting that anyone can move toward a similar state of enlightenment by resisting the psychological tendencies inherent in those faculties of the brain.

“At this particular moment in history, shattering culture may not only be the key to your own happiness, but essential for the future of humanity […] our culture is starting to fall apart […] These are difficult, frightening times. It’s hard to see how one small person can help. But you can. Your next steps on the way of integrity—our­ next steps—could change everything.”

By Stage 4, Beck is beginning to articulate a vision that is cosmic in scope, in which one’s own efforts at attaining integrity might positively affect all of humanity, and perhaps even the universe as a whole. In this quote, Beck is pointing out the desperate straits of current American culture, and suggesting that the personal pursuit of integrity is part of the necessary solution.

“Something similar to ‘fractaling’ happens when people change their behavior, as you will on your way to integrity. The ‘shape’ of your life—your words and actions—will shift in ways that affect the people around you. As those people change, the shift in their lives will affect the people around them. The pattern of integrity recurs in the same shape but at a larger scale.”

Beck draws on a mathematical principle that is common in nature—the repeating patterns of fractals—and suggests that our behavior operates the same way with regard to those around us. Changes in our behavior that align with our deepest values will create patterns that then ripple out and create mirroring patterns in the lives of those around us as they are inspired to reconsider their own condition and the pursuit of integrity.

“If you follow the way of integrity far enough, your life may go beyond our culture’s definition of ‘normal’—not because you’re departing from reality, but because you’re connecting with it. As the windowpane of your mind becomes clearer, more free from error, you may feel yourself not as separate from the world, but as existing in a continuum with everything around you.”

This quote comes in the context of Beck’s description of the “miracles” and “magic” (her terms, quotes included) that start happening when we reach the enlightenment of full integrity. Though such events appear mystical or paranormal, Beck attributes these to scientific principles yet to be discovered, grounded in the essential unity of our own individual nature with the fabric of all reality.