The Way I Used to Be

The next morning, Eden’s father asks how she and Mara ended up at their home, when they said they were sleeping over another friend’s house. Eden lies easily; she tells him that they had a fight with the friend, so they decided to leave. Eden’s dad shrugs and accepts their explanation.

A few hours later, Mara and Eden drive to a “seedy strip mall” (195) where she tells Eden that, for her birthday, she wants to get a nose ring. They enter a store called Skin Deep: Alternative Body Art, where Cameron works. Cameron greets them and leads Mara to a seat that “looks like a dentist’s chair” (197). Eden is wary of Mara getting a nose ring, but she supports her friend; Eden also still has an uneasy relationship with Cameron, despite the fact that Mara is smitten with him. Cameron tells Mara to take a deep breath before he inserts the needle: “I watch him bring the biggest needle I’ve ever seen in my entire life up to her tiny little nostril. I squeeze her hand harder than she squeezes mine” (198). Moments later, a “sparkly stud” is in Mara’s nose, which delights her. Mara exclaims this is the best day of her life, and hugs Cameron. 

To go along with her nose ring, Mara dyes her hair a vibrant shade of red: “The next week at school we walk down the hall, Mara alongside me with her nose ring and freshly dyed cranberry hair” (200).

After school on Thursday, Eden waits for Mara at her locker, but Mara is running late. Eden takes a seat on the ground in front of Mara’s locker and watches as her fellow classmates walk by: “Watch as the guys—jocks and geeks alike—watch me, wondering what the truth is, if I really am all the things they’ve heard. And the girls, they watch me too, like I’m contagious, not really caring about the truth” (201). Her reputation as a promiscuous “bad girl” has taken hold of what seems like the entire school. Still sitting by Mara’s locker, Eden gets a text on her cellphone from an unknown number: “Eden, still wanna party tomorrow?” (201). It turns out it is Troy, from the playground that night with Mara. Finally, Mara returns to her locker, and when she sees who Eden is texting, she snatches the phone from Mara and replies, “Tell me about this party…?” (202).

They make their way to Mara’s car, and Eden asks her what “the deal” is with her and Cameron. Mara throws up her hands in exasperation; despite her long-standing crush on him, their relationship has not progressed beyond just friends. Mara toys with the idea of dating Alex, the other guy from the playground, just to make Cameron jealous. 

That weekend, Eden and Mara go to the party, which is being held at a three-story house in a nearby neighborhood: “We push through the open door and the smell of alcohol envelops us” (204). This party is the first real party as teenagers: “We had only been to the kind of parties at skating rinks and Chuck E. Cheese’s” (204). The house is packed with people, and Mara tells Eden to text Troy to let them know they have arrived.

Suddenly, an attractive guy grabs Eden from behind. He asks Eden how she is doing, flirting with her. Eden says that Alex and Troy invited them, and the guy responds with shock: “‘They invited you?’ he asks, coming to a halt, looking at us alternately, repeating himself with exactly the same intonation as the first time. ‘Wait. They invited you?’” (205). It dawns on Eden that this is a college party, not a high school one. The attractive guy tells them that he is Troy’s older brother and disparagingly tells Eden and Mara that, if they are looking for Troy and Alex, they will find them outside: “‘You’ll find them by the pool—they’ll be the heads attached to the bong,’ he says with a laugh, pointing in the direction of the back door, dismissing us like we’re just these silly little girls” (206). Mara is unfazed by Troy’s brother and heads outside to see Troy and Alex, but Eden registers the slight put-down and refills her drink in the kitchen. The attractive guy—who turns out to be Troy’s brother—asks her how old she is; Eden lies and says she is 18 years old. He suggests that they do something a “little more exciting” (208), and he leads her to an upstairs bedroom. When the door closes behind them, he and Eden begin kissing each other, fast and hard:

I feel this rush of energy flow from my toes up to the top of my head and out through my fingers, the confidence flooding back through me. And now I kiss him the same way he kisses me. Move my hands over him the way he does to me. Carless, hard, dangerous (209).

They make their way to the bed, and Eden and he have sex in a rush. When it is over, Eden realize he does not even know the guy’s name. He thanks her, saying “that was fun” (210). Eden makes goes downstairs and outside and finds Mara by the pool with Alex and Troy. Eden feels a rush at her behavior, and at the escape she feels: “I don’t know who I am right now. But I know who I’m not. And I like that” (210). 

Eden knows that Troy has a crush on her, and even though she does not reciprocate, she continues to spend time with him: “It becomes difficult to avoid someone while simultaneously using them. That’s Troy” (211). Eden does not reveal to him that she had sex with his older brother back in September. Along with Mara and Alex, they continue going to parties together—“every party that’s happening in a thirty-mile radius” (211)—which Eden enjoys only as a form of escape: “Not that I enjoy the parties all that much. But I enjoy losing myself. And there’s always someone there. Ready, waiting” (211).

Eden lies on a futon after having had sex with “some guy” at a party, as she considers how much she enjoys using sex as a way to “disconnect” (212). The guy she is with lights a joint after sex and informs Eden that she is known as “that girl” (212) at school, implying that she is the one with the reputation as a “slut.” Eden is filled with disgust suddenly, at the way this guy is speaking to her with such disrespect; she thinks about how Josh would never say something so rude and hurtful to her, even after she treated him cruelly. Eden gets up from the futon and heads downstairs to where Mara is lounging with Troy and Alex on a “dusty old couch” (214). Alex has his arm around Mara. Mara is casually dating Alex to make Cameron jealous. When Eden enters the room, Mara can tell something is wrong and she asks her what happened. Eden does not want to say at first, but eventually they drive to a 24-hour IHOP nearby and, over breakfast food and banana splits, Eden admits that a guy at the party was really mean to her. Mara tells Eden that that guy was a jerk; but she also is slightly alarmed that Eden had sex with some guy so soon after meeting at a party. Cautiously, Mara asks Eden if that is something she does all the time; Eden shrugs and says yes, sometimes she does that. Mara has a more conventional view of sex; she asks Eden: “Isn’t sex […] supposed to be with special? You know, with someone special?” (216). Eden says no, not necessarily. Eden also admits that she “did something not nice to Troy” (216) and tells Mara that she had sex with his older brother, way back in September. Mara says that she is not judging her, but she is surprised that Eden would keep this secret from her. 

The Christmas season arrives, and Eden is not looking forward to Caelin coming home for the holidays: “I fidget in my seat, gnawing on my fingernails, counting down the minutes until Caelin gets here” (218). Eden’s mother is decorating the home in garland and asking for Eden’s help. Desperate to leave, Eden texts Troy asking if he will meet up with her later. He texts back right away, and they agree to meet at six o’clock that night at the playground. Eden lies and tells her mother that she needs to get a last-minute Christmas gift at the mall; Eden’s mother disapproves, but she says, fine, Eden can go. Eden’s mother also informs her that, this year, Kevin will not be joining her family, as in year’s past. Eden says that is good news and heads out the door to leave for the playground.

Eden is borrowing Mara’s car for the week and drives to the playground where Troy is waiting for her. Eden does not even recognize Troy at first because, for the first time in their friendship, she is seeing him not high. Eden thanks him for meeting up with her; they light a joint and pass it back and forth. Despite Eden not really liking Troy, she makes out with him after he tells her she is pretty: “I feel my mouth smile. Then I lean over slowly, everything moving slowly, and kiss him. His hand gently touches my face in a way that makes me think of Josh” (222).

Eden blacks out and wakes up to someone taking her shoes off and pulling her arms out of her coat. Her eyes close again, and she is being laid down in her bed—it is Caelin, who tells her to “sleep it off” (223). He shuts off the light and closes her bedroom door. 

Cameron approaches Eden and Mara in the library, as Mara studies and Eden idly flips through an SAT test prep book. Cameron greets Mara warmly, but nods coldly at Eden; they still do not get along. Cameron asks they would like to join him the next night to study for the SATs, but Mara declines and says that she has plans with Alex; Mara makes a point of referring to Alex as the guy she is “seeing” (225). Cameron does not say anything, but the expression on his face betrays that he is upset. Mara is pleased that Cameron is jealous. They decide to study together that Friday.

On Friday night, Eden arrives first at Cameron’s family home to study. Sitting cross-legged on giant pillows in Cameron’s family room, the doorbell rings and next to arrive to the study group is Stephen Reinheiser, who now goes just by “Steve.” Steve has undergone a major transformation since freshman year of high school; he is “not fat, not gawky, not awkward” (228) as Eden remembered. Steve seems dismayed to see Eden present at Cameron’s house, and he admits that he was not expecting her to be there. Mara comes to Cameron’s next, and suddenly Eden feels like “an outsider” (229). Eden steps outside for a cigarette before they begin to study and Steve joins her. She asks him if he does not like her; he responds: “No, I thought it was the other way around” (231). Eden stubs out her cigarette and follows him inside to study.