The Way I Used to Be

After breakfast, Eden’s family home is completely quiet. Still shaken after the incident, Eden tells her mother that she needs to take a walk. Eden puts on her heavy winter coat and heads to the backyard, where she sits on one of the wooden swing-set seats. Eden closes her eyes and thinks back to the night before with Kevin: “We played Monopoly. It was nothing, though. Nothing seemed wrong. He was actually being nice to me. Acting like … he liked me” (12). Caelin approaches Edy in the backyard and asks her why she is acting strangely. Edy wonders if she should tell Caelin that Kevin raped her but decides against it when she remembers how Kevin threatened to kill her if she ever told anyone. In a burst of emotion, Edy suddenly begs her brother not to return to college. When Caelin says that that’s not possible for many reasons, one of which being that he is Kevin’s roommate, Edy snaps at Caelin and angrily tells him that Caelin is her brother, not Kevin’s. Annoyed, Caelin explains Edy’s outburst as related to her having a crush on Kevin. He says to Edy:

‘I mean, maybe it’s time to drop the whole little schoolgirl-crush thing. It was cute for a while, Edy—funny, even—but it’s played itself out, don’t you think? It’s obviously making you, I don’t know, mean, or something. You’re not acting like yourself’ (15).

Edy is crushed by this conversation. She concludes that Caelin is no longer on her side. That night, Edy considers calling her best friend Mara to tell her what happened, but she decides against it. Instead, Edy just cries herself to sleep, feeling hopeless: “I feel like I might just fall asleep and not wake up—in fact, I almost hope I do” (16). 

Edy is a freshman in high school, and she is bullied by her classmates for being a “nerd” (18). Chapter 3 opens in the school cafeteria, with Edy and her fellow outcast friends, Mara and Stephen, sitting at a table: “If there’s a hell, it must look a lot like a high school cafeteria” (17). Soon after they sit down, some “sophomore guys, each one in his pathetic JV jacket” (19) begin throwing kernels of corn at Edy, Mara, and Stephen to taunt them. As food continues to fly in Edy and her friends’ direction, Edy snaps: “And some kind of hot, white light flashes in front of my eyes, harnessing itself to my heart, making it beat uncontrollably” (19). She gets out of her seat and goes to confront the sophomore boys, with the entire cafeteria watching her. She stands before them, but instead of saying something, she flees from the cafeteria and heads to the school’s library.

The library is run by the librarian, Miss Sullivan. Edy’s eyes well up with tears when Miss Sullivan asks for her library pass; she tells Edy that it is okay if she stays there in the library, even without the pass. Miss Sullivan helps Edy wipe away the food smears a stain removal pen. Edy asks Miss Sullivan if she could volunteer at the library during lunch hour going forward, but Miss Sullivan tells her that they have no need for library volunteers at the moment. Instead, Miss Sullivan tells Edy that she has been thinking of trying to form a student book club, which would meet during lunch hour. If a book club interests Edy, she needs to find at least 6 members to make it an official club; Edy eagerly agrees that she would love to help form a book club. By the end of the day, Edy has flyers posted everywhere advertising the new book club. 

On Saturday morning, Stephen Reiser comes to Edy’s family home to work on a school history project together: “Saturday morning, promptly at ten, the doorbell rings. I call from my bedroom, ‘I’ll get it,’ but Mom beats me” (25). Edy’s parents are both at home, and they are “making such a huge deal” (26) of the fact that Edy is having a boy over. Edy makes her way downstairs, where she and Stephen pull out their notebooks and pencils in her family living room. As Edy and Stephen begin work, Edy asks him if Mara told him about the book club. Edy tells him that the librarian, Miss Sullivan, “gets” why Edy wants to escape the lunchroom, implying that Miss Sullivan likely knows that Edy and her friends are being bullied. Stephen is surprised that Edy is acknowledging the unspoken rules of the social hierarchy and agrees to join the book club.

The following week, Edy and her friends have their inaugural book club meeting: “Lunch-Break Book Club. I named it” (30). The club is comprised of Mara, Stephen, two freshman girls, and a “severe-looking guy” (31) named Cameron, who Edy has never seen before. With his blue-streaked black hair and lower lip piercings, Mara is intrigued by Cameron and utters “wow” (31) when he walks into the library.

On their walk home after school, Mara tells Edy that she thinks Cameron is “so cool” (34). Edy does not agree that Cameron is anything special, but she keeps her opinion to herself because Mara is clearly smitten with him. Mara invites Edy to her house, which involves going past Kevin’s family home: “We have no choice but to walk past his house to get to Mara’s. Kevin’s house. It hardly matters that he’s not there. I can feel my legs weakening the closer we get” (35). Kevin’s little sister Amanda is standing in their front yard, who acts coldly toward Mara and Edy when they pass.

Suddenly, Edy announces to Mara that she feels ill, and runs home where she lies down on the couch. Drifting into a half-asleep state, Edy is vaguely aware of her mom and dad around her, feeling her forehead and asking her if she is sick. Edy goes upstairs and changes into her pajamas, noticing that the bruises from Kevin’s assault still cover her arms, thighs, and neck. When she returns downstairs, Edy’s mom and dad continue to pay special attention to her, offering her chicken noodle soup in an effort to make her feel better. Edy is soothed by the attention, but she wishes their focused attention on her was more regular: “If only I were sick all the time, things might feel a little more normal around here” (39). Edy’s wounds—referring to the emotional and physical damage from Kevin—are not evident to her parents. 

At the next meeting of Lunch-Break Book Club, Miss Sullivan announces that they will vote on which book the club will read first. Cameron suggests Brave New World by Aldous Huxley and begins to describe it to the group. As he speaks, Edy is feels a growing sense of anger toward him: “Everyone starts listening to him, but all I want to do is pick the book up and hit him over the head with it. Why does he keep trying to take over my book club?” (41). Edy tries to veto his selection, but nearly everyone votes for Brave New World and so Miss Sullivan overrules her veto on the grounds that majority rules. Edy’s hostile behavior toward Cameron does not go unnoticed by the group: “Everyone looks at me like I’m the biggest jerk in the world” (42).

At their lockers after the club disbands, Edy asks Mara if she can hang out that weekend because Edy decides she urgently needs to tell someone what happened with Kevin: “I really need to tell her what happened with Kevin. Need to tell someone. And soon. Before I explode” (43). However, Mara is busy with her dad that weekend, so she cannot spend time with Edy. Edy inwardly acknowledges that telling Mara what happened with Kevin will have to wait. 

Edy and Mara head to band practice after school the next day. Mara tells Edy that she wants to dye her hair black or red—she has not decided yet. She also mentions that her dad wants her to meet his new girlfriend; Mara’s dad is going through the divorced. Edy tries to listen as Mara talks, but Edy is having trouble concentrating:

Lately it feels like my skin, just like my mind, has been turned inside out. Like I’m raw and exposed, and it almost hurts to even be brushed up against. I hug my clarinet case to my chest to make myself smaller, to be my armor (45).

Suddenly, Edy sees a guy running down the hall: “Number 12, it says on his stupid varsity jacket. I have a distinct sinking feeling in my stomach as I watch him gaining speed, weaving between bodies like he’s on the basketball court and not in the hallway” (45). The guy crashes into Edy, knocking her to the ground. Edy reacts with pure anger: “But I can’t listen all the way because I seem to have only one thought. Just this: Fucking die fucking asshole fucking kill you fucking die, die, die” (46). The guy, who Edy refers to as “Number 12,” tells her that he is sorry, that he did not see her standing there. However, Edy is not assuaged by his apology. Feeling as though her rage over the incident will consume her, Edy starts walking away, headed down the hallway. Mara catches up with Edy, asking her if she is alright. Edy nods, though she is still taken aback by her own anger: “I nod, even though I’m not sure if I am—if I ever will be” (48). 

Months later, Edy and Mara sit in the middle of Mara’s bedroom floor, debating what color Mara should dye her hair. They deliberate between cranberry red and jet black, but Mara ultimately decides red. Earlier that day, Mara had chewed gum thrown at her head, which got tangled in her hair so badly, Edy needed to cut it out. Mara is tired of the bullying she suffers at school, and she informs Edy that dying her hair is part of her new identity: “I’m just trying to be like me. Like the real me. If that makes any sense at all” (51).

When Edy asks Mara if she will start coming to band class again, Mara tells her that part of her new identity is also quitting band. When Mara says that she is now going to start taking art classes, Edy notes that Mara’s new identity seems to be forming around Cameron’s likes and interests: “I’ve never known Mara to be interested in art. ‘Well, that’s cool.’ I kind of mean it too. Because I can’t think of anything in the world that I’m interested in anymore” (52). Mara goes on to see that another feature of her new identity is that she is “sick of getting pushed around, treated like shit” (53). Mara pulls a cigarette from her purse and lights it, hanging out her half-open bedroom window. Edy also takes a cigarette from Mara’s purse and happily joins Mara at the window: “I smile again, letting the chemicals go to my head, and imagine what I could be, all the things I could do” (53). Edy is excited at the prospect that she too could reinvent herself.

Summer arrives and Edy and Mara are midway through their vacation from school: “The summer took forever to get here and now it’s here and it’s just flying” (54). Edy asks her mother if, before she returns to school in just three weeks, can she get contact lenses to replace her glasses; her mother hesitates, unsure. When Edy’s dad also waffles, Edy gets begins to beg: “But please. Please, please, please. I look like such a dork. I look like a loser. I look like I’m in band” (55). At that point, Edy also reveals that she is going to quit the band. When Edy’s parents still refuse, Edy gets angry:

‘I do need them!’ I can feel the tears beginning to simmer behind my eyes. ‘And just so you know,’ I continue, my voice falling in on itself, ‘I’m not wearing my glasses anymore even if you don’t get me contacts!’ I throw my glasses onto the table and then stomp off to my room (56).

Edy storms off to her room, screaming that she hates her mom and dad. Edy has never behaved this way before, leaving Edy’s parents stunned. Edy overhears them talking about how it must be hormones making her act in such an angry, aggressive manner. Edy stews in her room, thinking about how she is done letting people take advantage of her, starting with her parents:

Because I let them push me around just like I let everyone push me around. I let them make me into a person who doesn’t know when to speak the hell up, a person who gives up control over her life, over her body, over everything (57).

In her room, Edy angrily mulls over everyone and everything that makes her angry: Caelin, for being loyal to Kevin; Mara, for not being the kind of friend that could get Edy to share her trauma; her parents, for not teaching her to stand up for herself. When Edy emerges from her room, she refuses to apologize to her parents: “No more Mousegirl. No more charades. No more baby games” (59). Part of her new identity is being the sort of person who stands up for herself, the sort of person who stands her ground.