The Terrible Two

Miles Murphy rides in the car with his mother Judy, and he is sad because they are moving away from their home near the sea to Yawnee Valley. Judy encourages her son to be excited about his new room and backyard, but Miles misses his friends, his apartment, Max’s Market where he buys his favorite candy, and his role at school as an expert prankster. He looks out the window and sees the town welcome sign which shows the town population is 9,980 and reads: “Come look at our cows” (6).

Everything in Miles’s new room feels unfamiliar and he cannot sleep. At his old apartment, he could hear the ocean from his window. Now, he thinks, “The air outside his old room smelled like the sea. This air smelled like cows” (8). He is anxious and worried about the next day when he starts at his new school.

On the way to his new school, Yawnee Valley Science and Letters Academy, Miles begs his mother to let him skip a grade, take a year off to work on his projects or travel or take a sabbatical year—anything to get out of being the new kid. His backpack is full of new school supplies and an old notebook containing all his pranking plans. The notebook includes lists of supplies and specific instructions for tricks like, “Ketchup That Looks Like Blood. Raisins Everywhere. Operation Sandy Shorts” (11). Miles thinks about the one advantage to being a new kid at school, in that you get to create and decide who you will be. He thinks about all the different labels kids have and he decides he will be the best school prankster just like he was at his old school.

Everything at the new school looks normal to Miles, except there is a car sitting on the front steps blocking the entrance. A group of kids, including a boy named Stuart who is laughing hysterically, is standing outside staring at the strange sight, wondering how they will get inside the school. At first, the sight makes Miles smile, as he knows a good prank when he sees it. However, his face falls when he realizes there may already be a top prankster at this school, leaving him without an identity.

The principal of Yawnee Valley Science and Letters Academy, Barry Barkin, awakens on the first day of school energized to start a new year. After going through his rigorous morning routine, including dressing in a solid red tie which fits his image of “absolute power” (17), he drives to school in his yellow car. After parking his car in a spot just for him, designated by himself, Principal Barkin sets to work writing his “First-Day-of-School-Morning-Announcement Power Speech” (18), but he struggles to stay focused. While writing, he receives several prank calls, one from a paper clip salesman and one from a window cleaning supplier. To avoid further distraction, Principal Barkin goes to his secret hiding spot in the second-floor utility closet. After an hour of work, he finishes his grand speech, but soon learns that his car is blocking the school entryway.

Forty actions are listed to describe what happens next. Principal Barkin moves to swiftly solve the problem, but quickly realizes that he cannot drive a car down stairs. He can only access the school entrance by climbing through his car. After calling a tow truck company and the police, he still cannot find a solution, and he does not want to damage his car’s leather interior or cancel the first day of school, so he stands on the roof of his car to make an announcement.

Principal Barkin asks the students who moved the car, but no one responds, and the only sound is the cows mooing in the distance. Principal Barkin announces that all the children must crawl through his car to enter the building. When several students interject, he cuts them off and yells that he will track down and punish the culprit, but for now, this is the plan. An illustration shows that before the incident, the car is in pristine condition, but after all the kids file through, it is disheveled. Principal Barkin’s son asks, “Why didn’t you just have all of us go through the back entrance?” (28). Principal Barkin came through the back entrance that morning, but he does not respond to his son.

Principal Barkin storms through the halls pointing his finger at students and asking if they were the offender. His extreme anger is shocking to Miles. When Principal Barkin points to Miles and asks if it was him, Mile calmly says he did not move the car. Principal Barkin does not recognize him, and Miles introduces himself as the new kid. The principal insists that it must have been Miles who moved the car, but Miles explains that he does not have a license. Principal Barkin mistakes Miles’s name for Niles, another student in the school who informed him about the car. Principal Barkin says that he will be watching Miles, then quickly switches to asking him how he’s enjoying the town. When Miles tells Principal Barkin that he likes Yawnee Valley just fine, he explains that it is an exceptional city and the “cow capital of the United States, this side of the Mississippi” (31). Miles explains that he does not care about cows, and Principal Barkin presents him with a pamphlet, for which he wrote the foreword, entitled “1,346 interesting things you may or may not know about cows by the Yawnee Dairy Council” (32). Principal Barkin introduces Miles to Niles Sparks, who is wearing a sash with “School Helper” on it and will be Miles’s buddy to show him around the school. Miles judges Niles as a classic teacher’s pet and refuses to shake Miles’s hand, claiming that he has a cold.

Niles asks Miles if he was the person who blocked the entrance with the car, and when Miles says no, Miles explains that Principal Barkin looks to him for information. Once they arrive at Ms. Shandy’s class, Niles introduces Miles to Holly Rash. When she says, “if you’re looking for any real information about this school, let me know” (37), Miles asks if she knows the identity of the prankster who moved the car. The principal’s son Josh thunders into the room and hits Miles in the face with his backpack as he takes a seat. Holly explains that everyone dislikes Josh because he is mean and calls everyone a “nimbus” (38). Josh is the class president and, since the sitting president tallies the votes, he rigs the election every year. Niles says that the Barkin family has a long history of being class president and Josh will probably become principal too. Holly explains that she runs against Josh, knowing that she will not win, to protest the corrupted system.

Ms. Shandy is late to class because of the blocked entrance, and Stuart laughs hysterically, but no one laughs with him. Ms. Shandy asks Josh to move from his seat at the back of the room to the front row. With an air of fake obedience, Josh says that he will move, but he will tell his father that she was late to class. As he changes seats, Josh hits Miles again with his backpack.

Niles shows Miles around the lunchroom and introduces him to the cafeteria worker, Mrs. Conlon, who gives Miles extra milk since he is friends with Niles. Josh approaches Miles and accuses him of moving the car. He says the car will be his one day and he threatens to beat up Miles when they are off school grounds. Miles takes his full lunch tray and tips it backward, spilling the food down the front of his shirt. Ms. Shandy approaches to investigate the commotion and Miles blames Josh for spilling his tray. Josh denies it, claiming that he always follows the rules, but Ms. Shandy asks Niles to confirm what he saw. He lies and says Josh intentionally bumped the tray, so Ms. Shandy escorts Josh to his father’s office. Miles thanks Niles, who explains that Josh once made him eat rocks.

After school, the narrative alternates between dinnertime at the Murphy home and the Barkin home. Miles’s mother asks about his first day of school, but Miles is too distracted to answer. He deflects her questions by asking about her day working at the post office. She explains that there was a rude customer who would not get off his cell phone. Judy made a new friend named Deb who also works at the post office. Niles calls and tells Miles that he is conducting the mandatory First-Day Check-In survey. Miles rates his first day as a six but hangs up when Niles asks him again if he moved Principal Barkin’s car. Miles leaves the table, finds his prankster notebook, and writes, “THE BIRTHDAY PARTY PRANK!” (58).

At the Barkin home, both Principal Barkin and Josh tell Mrs. Barkin that they had a terrible first day of school. Principal Barkin explains how he was forced to call his brother Bob, who works at the junkyard, to bring his big magnet and move the car. Bob told his father about the incident, and he calls Principal Barkin during dinner, with Bob on the line, and berates him for disgracing the family’s honor. He shouts through the phone, “IT MAKES ME THINK THAT MAYBE YOUR LITTLE BROTHER SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE PRINCIPAL AND YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE RUNNING A DAIRY. MAYBE BOB IS THE ONE MADE FROM REAL PRINCIPAL MATERIAL!” (55). Principal Barkin hangs up the phone and vows to prove that Miles Murphy is the prankster and make an example of him.

Miles creates invitations for a fake birthday party for a fake person named Cody Burr-Tyler. The narrative includes an illustration of the invitation which is decorated with footballs, guitars, and lightning bolts. The party will be on Saturday at noon and attendees must bring a present and snacks. The invitation reminds them not to tell anyone because it is an exclusive party. At school, Miles listens as everyone discusses the party and who got invited. Even though Cody Burr-Tyler is not a real person, rumors quickly spread that he is a popular, handsome, quarterback guitar player from another school. Miles is proud of his work and is certain this prank will make him legendary at his new school. He plans to reveal the prank after everyone arrives at the party and keep all the presents for himself. Miles muses, “He’d be a legend again. An even bigger legend than he’d been in his old town. Nobody had ever pranked an entire school before” (61).

Niles shows Miles his invitation and Miles pretends not to know Cody Burr-Tyler. Niles invites Miles to attend the party with him so he can meet more people in Yawnee Valley. Just as Miles is looking over the invitation he made, Principal Barkin walks down the hall yelling at the students. He asks Miles again if he moved his car, and Miles once again says no. Convinced Miles is hiding something, Principal Barkin demands to see the invitation. Since it is part of his plan, Miles hands it over and explains that it is a party invitation. Principal Barkin keeps the invitation and reminds Miles that he has his eye on him. He points to two signs on the wall. One says, “Principal Barkin sez GET TO CLASS!” (64) and the other says, “Principal Barkin sez I’M ON TO YOU, MILES MURPHY!” (65). Miles is so distracted that he walks the wrong way to class and Niles must give him directions.

Miles arrives at the town square two hours before the party starts to set up and deliver the cake that he made himself and a wagon to collect the gifts. When he returns, the square is full of kids. The table is loaded with snacks and the wagon overflows with presents. The fake stories about Cody continue to circulate through the crowd and kids claim that they have even met him. Stuart arrives and his present tries to run away, so Miles thinks that he needs to “leave Stuart’s present in a pasture somewhere” (68). Holly Rash tells Miles that the cake is dry and the writing on top is messy. She’s unimpressed with the party, seeing as how popular Cody is and says that people talk about him like he is a movie star.

Niles arrives with a present so large that he cannot see around it to walk. Niles claims that he brought himself as a gift because he does not know Cody and he wants to thank him for deeming him cool enough to attend his birthday party. When time comes for Miles to deliver his prepared speech from the gazebo, an illustration shows the text of the speech where he will introduce himself as the new kid in school and reveal the truth that Cody is fake. After crowning himself the best prankster in Yawnee Valley, Miles plans to exit the gazebo, take the wagon full of gifts, and walk away.

Just as Miles is about to deliver his speech, Principal Barkin arrives in his yellow car. Miles fears the prank is ruined, but planned a list of contingency strategies. Principal Barkin only wishes to deliver a speech wishing Cody a happy birthday from himself and his entire family. Niles serves Principal Barkin a piece of the cake, but he says it is dry and asks for a drink. Miles returns to the gazebo and just as he prepares to begin again, he hears a guitar strumming. Someone arrives wearing a football jersey, with Burr-Tyler on the back, a football helmet, and a guitar strung over his shoulder.

A stupefied Miles watches as Cody takes the stage and grabs a bucket full of autographed footballs and tosses them to the crowd as guitar music plays. Miles’s contingency plans do not include “Your Fictional Character Magically Becomes Real” (79). Cody thanks everyone for attending his party, takes the wagon full of gifts from Miles, and leaves in a limo.

After all the party guests leave, Miles stays and sits on the gazebo steps trying to figure out where his plan went wrong. He wishes that he could return to his old house and his identity as the prankster. As he cleans up the party trash, he notices one remaining gift. Inside the box is a rubber chicken with a note on its belly: “YOU CAN’T TRICK A TRICKSTER. MEET ME IN SHERMAN’S PASTURE SUNDAY. SUNSET. COME ALONE” (86). The gift tag is addressed to him from Niles. The chapter ends with an illustration from the cow facts booklet with three facts: Cows have 32 teeth, Pilgrims brought cows to America, and cows can not vomit (86).