The Lieutenant of Inishmore

Back at Donny’s house, it’s almost dawn. The shoe-polished Sir Roger wanders around, and Davey has made a cross for Wee Thomas, which he paints with shoe polish. They decide that they can’t do anything else while they’re still drunk, so they ought to get some sleep. Davey insists that he has an inner alarm clock that he can set for any time, and he promises to wake them up at nine o’clock without fail. Donny compliments the cross. Davey puts the cat in the basket, and they go to sleep.

It’s noon, and Donny and Davey are still fast asleep. The cross is on the floor, and the cat is sleeping in the basket. Padraic enters, joyfully calling for his cat. He has brought ringworm pellets. Padraic pets the cat and his fingers come away black. He notices Donny and Davey’s polish-covered hands. Then he sees the cross, devastated as he reads the inscription. Davey wakes up, and Padraic grabs him by the hair, demanding to know where his cat is. Donny swears that the cat is Wee Thomas, and he has an ailment that turns him orange and makes him smell like shoe polish. Calmly, Padraic shoots Sir Roger and Davey starts screaming. Donny exclaims that Wee Thomas ran away. Padraic throws the dead cat into the bathroom and waves the cross around, smacking Donny in the face with it and demanding to know if Wee Thomas is dead. Donny admits it, blaming Davey for hitting him with his bike, which Davey denies immediately, insisting that he found him already dead. Davey accuses Donny of only feeding the cat Frosties, but Donny swears that he always fed Wee Thomas the best food. Padraic starts tying Donny and Davey’s hands behind their backs.

Suddenly furious, Davey curses at Padraic and calls him a “mad thick feck” (42). Padraic begins sawing off Davey’s long hair. Donny begs Padraic not to kill them. Padraic urges them to make a final confession, but Donny will only admit to occasionally letting the cat eat Frosties because he liked them. Padraic laments, “Ye have killed me cat and ye’ve ruined me life, for what I’ve got to live for now I do not know” (43). Padraic makes a sad speech about how meaningless life will be without Wee Thomas. As Padraic says goodbye and is about to shoot the two men, there is a knock on the door. Padraic is happy to see Christy, Joey, and Brendan. He exclaims, “Come on in and ahead for yourselves. I’m just in the middle of shooting me dad” (45). But the three men point their guns at Padraic instead, accusing him of starting a splinter group and going rogue against the INLA’s goals. Padraic claims that Christy has always had it out for him, and Christy asserts that’s only since Padraic shot his eye out. Padraic asks the men to take him outside to shoot him, and as they do, he speaks sadly about his cat.

Davey wildly comments that Wee Thomas is “buried in shite, [his] head knocked out [his] arse” (48), and Padraic tries to attack him as he is dragged to the door, threatening that he’ll be back to kill him. Davey asks if Donny is sorry to see his son being executed, but Donny shrugs and says he isn’t. Davey wonders why the three men couldn’t have taken a moment to untie them. Then they hear a popping sound from outside, and Davey groans. Brendan, Joey, and Christy paw their way back in, bleeding, screaming, and now blinded, arguing whether they were shot by a boy or a girl. Padraic and Mairead enter, and Donny tries to guide Christy to shoot in the right direction. The two lovers gaze at and caress each other as Padraic kills Brendan and then Joey. Christy begs Padraic not to shoot him in the head, and Padraic shoots him in the chest. He falls. Padraic realizes that Davey is going to be his brother-in-law, so he can’t kill him as he planned. As he aims his guns at his father, he is interrupted by Christy, who, dying, apologizes for killing Padraic’s cat, hoping for absolution. Padraic gives Mairead a list of things to fetch, setting about to torture Christy. 

That night, still at Donny’s house, Donny and Davey are covered in blood and hacking up the bodies of Brendan and Joey. Christy is dead, his head impaled with the cross Davey made for Wee Thomas, and Padraic sits on his body, holding Wee Thomas in his lap and stroking him sadly. Donny wonders if Davey’s mother will be upset that Mairead is joining up with a paramilitary organization. Davey replies that she expected it, although she’d likely prefer the IRA since it’s more well-known. They both note that all of the paramilitaries travel a lot, but their members seem to be in it for the killing rather than the traveling. Mairead is a practiced marksman, but Padraic just uses two guns and shoots at close range.

Mairead enters in a dress, and Davey responds with shock. Padraic has named her second lieutenant, and her mother’s parting words were, “Good luck and try not to go blowing up kids” (57). Mairead sits down on Christy, next to Padraic, and he comments on her dress. He wonders if she’d consider growing out her hair, but she refuses. They kiss. They discuss starting a splinter group: Wee Thomas’s Army. But first, Padraic needs to find a guy who he owes torturing after letting him off the hook when he got the call about his cat. After a moment, Padraic admits that he once killed a cat himself, but it was only because the cat seemed dirty and unhygienic. Mairead agrees that it’s okay to kill unhygienic cats. She wonders where her cat has gone, as she wants to say goodbye to him before she goes.

Padraic opines, “all I ever wanted was an Ireland free. Free for kids to run and play. Free for fellas and lasses to dance and sing. Free for cats to roam about without being clanked in the brains with a handgun. Was that too much to ask, now?” (60) Padraic decides that they’ll bring Wee Thomas’s body with them. Mairead and Padraic decide to marry after Northern Ireland is liberated, and Donny muses that they’ll be engaged for a long time. Suddenly, Davey remembers that Padraic killed Sir Roger. He tries to surreptitiously get rid of the body. Donny distracts Padraic by asking about dismembering the bodies and congratulating him on getting engaged. Mairead enters, holding Sir Roger. Padraic jokes that they now have a “matching pair.” Calmly, she hands the cat to Davey and starts singing “The Dying Rebel,” beckoning Padraic to kiss her. As he does, Mairead raises two guns to his head. Padraic continues the song, but Mairead says, “There was nothing unhygienic about my fecking cat” (65) and shoots him.

Mairead leaves the guns with his body, takes the cat back, and orders the two men to dismember Padraic too. She takes up her air rifle, and Davey asks if she still plans to join the INLA. Mairead replies that she has changed her mind because it turns out that shooting people is boring. Donny quips about her shooting cows but cowers at Mairead’s withering look. She orders them to get to work with the chopping, warning that tomorrow, she plans to investigate why her cat was at Donny’s house at all and why he was covered in shoe polish. Singing another rebel song, Mairead exits.

Donny and Davey bemoan the amount of work in front of them. After a moment, a black cat enters from outside. Davey and Donny gape as Donny identifies the cat as Wee Thomas. The dead black cat must have been a stray. They’re horrified at everything that has happened unnecessarily, agreeing that the cat deserves to be shot for causing so much grief. They each take a gun and aim, but they can’t do it, deciding that there has been enough murder. Both relieved, they pet Wee Thomas, and Donny gives him some Frosties in a bowl. Depending on whether the cat eats, Donny either says, “Didn’t I tell you he likes Frosties, Davey?” or Davey says, “He doesn’t like Frosties at all, Donny” (69).