The Art of Gathering

Chill is Parker’s term for a hands-off approach to organizing gatherings. She defines it as “the idea that it’s better to be relaxed and low-key, better not to care, better not to make a big deal” (73), and that appearing overly involved will inconvenience guests. Creating a shorthand for this perspective allows Parker to clearly distinguish her own recommended style of organizing gatherings, which involves careful planning and orchestration.

In the Introduction Parker defines a gathering’s key concept as “the conscious bringing together of people for a reason” (ix). At the outset of the book, this definition seems very general, almost overly so. Over the course of its chapters, however, this definition proves to foreshadow the capaciousness with which Parker views gatherings, including everything from weddings to business meetings to conferences to political conventions. In addition, the emphasis Parker puts on providing gatherings with a specific purpose shows that the concept of gathering can be very broadly construed while still encouraging individual gatherings to be precisely defined.

The antithesis of the concept of chill, generous authority refers to gatherings “run with a strong, confident hand, but […] selflessly, for the sake of others” (80). While generous authority asks guests to get involved in gatherings, even if that means stepping out of their comfort zones, these moves are always made in the service of the group as a whole and the shared purpose of the event. Parker assures readers that the positive outcomes of generous authority will be evidence of the practice’s worth.

Contrary to rules of etiquette, which generally recommend keeping far away from controversial topics, Parker suggests that organizers build debate and opportunities to disagree into gatherings whenever appropriate. She writes that this practice makes people “look more closely at what they care about” (233), ultimately serving to pursue a gathering’s purpose more fully and authentically. In addition, opening up areas of debate can encourage free discussion and equality among the participants in a gathering.

Etiquette is rejected in The Art of Gathering, and Parker offers the concept of pop-up rules as an alternative: “Etiquette allows people to gather because they are the same. Pop-up rules allow people to gather because they are different—yet open to having the same experience” (121). Pop-up rules provide attendees with a mutually agreeable structure for gatherings that is context-dependent, limited, and egalitarian. Parker provides examples of gatherings utilizing pop-up rules throughout the book, implying that the concept has a central importance for the approach to gatherings she endorses.

Priming refers to the practice of preparing guests for a gathering and its events, which can include anything from an invitation to a pre-event task. Parker asserts that far too many people fail to take advantage of the opportunity to prime guests prior to the start of a gathering. She deems the pre-gathering time as the “moment of discovery” (145), believing it to be a key chance to prepare participants for the gathering’s purpose.

A gathering’s purpose is its most fundamental aspect, according to Parker. She turns to the concept throughout The Art of Gathering and devotes an entire chapter to explaining it. A gathering’s purpose is not simply a category; rather, it needs to be something far more specific. For instance, a category can be something as general as a birthday party, but a particular birthday party’s purpose might be the more specific goal of reflecting on the past year’s challenges and successes.

If priming helps guests transition from the world in general to the context of a gathering, then reentry refers to helping guests meaningfully leave that context to return to the world outside. Reentry can take many forms, depending on the nature of a gathering, but it involves a meaningful statement or gesture that reminds guests of why they have met and what they have accomplished. For Parker, it is important to guide guests through reentry to reaffirm a gathering’s purpose and avoid parting on an anticlimactic note.