30 pages • 1 hour read
Gary ChapmanThe 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 1990A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Summary
Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Key Figures
Themes
Index of Terms
Important Quotes
Essay Topics
Tools
BetaThemes
The Human Need to Feel Loved
Every single person needs to be loved; it is one of the most fundamental drives that human beings feel as a species. Countless psychological studies have confirmed what ancient philosophers and romantic comedies know alike: human beings naturally love and desire to be loved in return.
This basic drive to love and be loved is the origin of our emotional tank, the interior reservoir which needs to be filled by the love of another. When we don’t feel that our emotional tank is full, we can go looking for a means to fill it up in all the wrong places—we can lash out at others, we can be tempted to be unfaithful to our partners, we can end up in toxic relationships. The love languages are designed to help couples fill up each other’s tanks.
Social isolation is devastating. As relational and social creatures who thrive in community, we are made for human interaction and communication. Our need for connection is nuanced and complex.
Communicating Based on Our Partner’s Needs, Not Our Own
In many instances, the choices that we make are based on our own experiences, needs, and desires. Communication is no different: we tend to assume that everyone sees the world the same way and thus communicates the same. When there is failure in communication, we tend to blame the other person, not recognizing different styles of communication.
When we learn to communicate effectively in love, we will begin to see things from the other person’s perspective. We learn empathy and are able to speak the other person’s love language effectively and frequently. Many times when relationships fail, partners communicate and express their love the wrong way. If the love language of my spouse is quality time, but I spend all my time at work performing what I believe to be an act of service, my spouse will not feel loved. When our spouse learns to speak our love language, especially if it is difficult and not their natural mode, it says that they care deeply enough to go outside of their comfort zone to satisfy our needs. When this care is absent, love dies. Security in love comes from the recognition that we are loved for who we are, not for what we can do or provide.
Gift-Giving in the Love Languages
While one of the love languages is explicitly concerned with gift-giving, the fact remains that all five of the love languages involve some kind of gift.
Words of affirmation are gifts of our words and admiration. The outward exterior speech we direct toward our loved one is a gift the heart and mind make in admiration of the other. The language of quality time is clearly a gift of our time and our presence in the other person’s life. Time is perhaps the most precious commodity on earth—we never purchase more time, and once it’s given it can never be replaced. Giving someone the gift of our time and presence is a powerful sign of love.
The language of performing acts of service are gifts not only of our time but of our effort; time and energy are spent performing tasks with the goal of making our spouse and loved one more comfortable, or more joyful, or more free to enjoy other pursuits and ends. Finally, physical touch is the gift of one’s very self, of one’s body. Our bodies are ourselves, we are our bodies; when we give our body to another it is an act of perfect trust, a gift of our love.
