The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

The second love language is the gift of quality time. In the next chapter Chapman will speak specifically of gifts in the typical, physical sense, but Chapter 5 deals specifically with the gift of one’s presence: “Time is a precious commodity” and the gift we make of it is unrepeatable (55). When we give someone 20 minutes of our time, “[w]e will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love” (56). In speaking with a young man about his conflicting desires to advance in his career or spend quality time with his wife, the author poses the following question: “Do you want to be there alone, or do you want to be there with Andrea and the children?” (57). The husband answers that he very clearly wants his wife and family to be by his side.

In many instances, the gift of quality time is a matter of shifting and ordering priorities. Mere presence is not enough: a “key ingredient in giving your spouse quality time is giving them focused attention, especially in this era of many distractions” (59). The gift of quality time is also not a narcissistic, self-centered fixation. It “does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other’s eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person. The activity in which we are both engaged is incidental. The important thing emotionally is that we are spending focused time with each other. The activity is a vehicle that creates the sense of togetherness” (60).

One of the dialects of quality time is that of significant conversation. When people complain about how their spouse doesn’t talk to them, they don’t mean it literally; what they mean is that “he or she seldom takes part in sympathetic dialogue” (61). Chapman recounts an example of a man who only realized this after his marriage failed and it was too late; he discovered that his wife really wanted a sympathetic ear, not someone who would try to solve all of her problems. Developing this ability requires learning a new skill: listening: “Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but learn we must, if we want to communicate love” (63). When we do this, we need to learn to maintain eye contact, focus singularly on our loved one, pay attention to their feelings, observe body language, and refrain from interrupting. With these skills, anyone can learn to be a good listener.

Conversation is helpful in an immediate situation, but also crucial to the longterm health of the relationship: “One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead” (69). When these memories are stored up, they create the scaffolding upon which the relationship is built and (when necessary) repaired: “[t]hose are memories of love, especially for the person whose primary love language is quality time” (70).

The third love language is the language of receiving gifts. In his studies, Chapman found this to be universal: “I examined the cultural patterns surrounding love and marriage and found that in every culture I studied, gift-giving was a part of the love-marriage process” (76). A gift is not just a substitute for other forms of love, it’s “something you can hold in your hand and say, ‘Look, he was thinking of me,’ or, ‘She remembered me.’ You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought” (77). They are “visual symbols of love” (77). This particular language is “the easiest […]to learn” (79).

If the language of gift-giving doesn’t feel natural, it can be thought of in terms of investing: “If you discover that your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, then perhaps you will understand that purchasing gifts for him or her is the best investment you can make. You are investing in your relationship and filling your spouse’s emotional love tank” (80). One of the dialects of this language is the gift of self, “an intangible gift that sometimes speaks more loudly than a gift that can be held in one’s hand. I call it the gift of self or the gift of presence” (81). Chapman recounts a story of one couple where the wife couldn’t find it in her heart to forgive her husband for being largely absent on emotionally critically days within their marriage—the day of their child’s birth and the day of her mother’s death. The husband failed to realize that the most critical act of love he could have performed was to give his wife the gift of presence.

The fourth love language is the performance of acts of service. By acts of service, the author means “doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her” (91). Chapman discovered that the root of one couple’s problems was their individual expectations of marriage. He tells the husband: “It was a normal thing for you to follow the model of your mother and father in marriage. Almost all of us tend to do that, but your behavior toward Mary was a radical change from your courtship. The one thing that had assured her of your love disappeared” (96). Chapman discovered that the couple was doing what they thought would be expected, “but not the most important things” (99). No matter how many favors and chores the couple performed for each other, they hadn’t taken the time to discover which acts of service their spouse would actually find helpful. When acts of service are performed, they have to be the acts that the other person appreciates or finds necessary or desirable; they can’t be what we would find useful or desirable.

Chapman notes three aspects of healthy relationships: first, “what we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage;” second, “[l]ove is a choice and cannot be coerced;” and third, “[a] spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language” (100-01). Clear communication is essential; passive acquiescence is not a loving act: “Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love. It is, in fact, an act of treason. You are allowing him or her to develop inhumane habits” (102). Learning to speak the language of love that our partner speaks best can require significant shifts in thought and action, but it will result in great dividends.

The fifth and final love language is the language of physical touch. Chapman notes: “We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love” (107). As with acts of service, it is important to prioritize what the other person needs and finds desirable: “[d]on’t insist on touching her in your way and in your time. Learn to speak her love dialect” (108). While much focus will go toward sex, it is crucial to think of the smaller and more subtle ways that this language speaks: “[i]mplicit love touches require little time but much thought” (109).

The truth of the matter is that we are our bodies; they are not simply things that we inhabit: “[w]hatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally” (110). All societies have some form of physical communication, some manner of greeting or affirmation that involves the touch of another human being: hugging, kissing, the handshake. The language of touch is extremely basic, but it should not be underestimated as a means by which human beings communicate their love and affection, in all manner of ways.