The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

Chapman notes that love is “essential to our emotional health” (20). He uses a metaphor that will reappear throughout the book: “Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love […] Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank’” (20). While initially used in reference to emotional development in children, the existence of the “emotional tank” continues throughout our adult lives.

When children age and develop, yet feel their emotional tank is lacking or unfulfilled, they will likely act out and seek “love in all the wrong places” (21). In adults, this tends to lead to acting out and repression, depending on the situation. It is undeniable that the “need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the heart of marital desires” (22). He continues: “Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche” (22). Chapman hypothesizes that couples in failing or loveless marriages are essentially running on empty, leading him to this conclusion: “I am convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile” (23).

Chapman describes a time when he had an unexpected visitor. An acquaintance of his went many years without a successful relationship when she suddenly proclaimed that she had met her future husband; she got engaged after knowing her fiancé less than a month. Chapman reflects on the experience of falling in love: “Most of us enter marriage by way of the ‘in-love’ experience. We meet someone whose physical characteristics and personality traits create enough electrical shock to trigger our ‘love alert’ system” (28). At the peak of love’s enchantment, “the ‘in-love’ experience is euphoric” (29). Popular imagination and sentiment have led most of us to believe that the feeling of being in love will last forever, but in fact “the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years” (30).

The euphoric experience of “the ‘in-love’ state” tricks our brains into thinking that the relationship is more mature than it truly is (32). Once the feeling of being in love wears off, reality sets in and our expectations can change. As a result, “[s]ome couples believe that the end of the ‘in-love’ experience means they have only two options: resign themselves to a life of misery with their spouse; or jump ship and try again. Our generation has opted for the latter, whereas an earlier generation often chose the former” (33). Contrary to popular opinion, there is a third option: “We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was—a temporary emotional high—and now pursue ‘real love’ with our spouse” (33).

As Chapman sums up: “Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving” (33). Once we recognize this, we realize that love is not just a feeling; in its mature stage, it is primarily a choice. It is always intentional.