Something Borrowed

“It only mattered that Darcy stole Ethan from me. Perhaps she did it because she really did change her mind about him; that’s what I told myself so I would stop hating her. But more likely Darcy took Ethan just to show me that she could.”

Rachel thinks back to an earlier crush she had in fifth grade named Ethan, whom Darcy started to date soon after Rachel revealed her feelings. Rachel’s anecdote about Ethan shows that her relationship with Darcy has always been complicated—fraught with jealousy and competition. In trying to convince herself that sleeping with Dex may have been karma for Darcy stealing Ethan decades ago, she hides from her true feelings and the consequences of her actions.

“The call that was supposed to bring closure only ushered in more uneasiness. And a tiny little stirring inside me, a stirring that I resolve to squelch.”

Dex’s professed lack of guilt makes Rachel feel more anxiety than before they talked. She senses feelings emerging for Dex and realizes that her ability to control her emotions and actions is slipping away from her. As a person obsessed with being in control, her situation with Dex has brought genuine feelings to the surface that she is hesitant to face.

“I think of Dex. Surely he compared our bodies after (or even during, since he ‘wasn’t that drunk’) our night together. Mine isn’t nearly as good.”

When Rachel and Darcy go bathing suit shopping before their trip to the Hamptons, Rachel notes the difference between her body and Darcy’s. She constantly compares herself to Darcy, and figures Dex must have compared them as well during their tryst. Her assumption is that she always comes up short next to Darcy, whom she places on a pedestal even though she recognizes flaws in Darcy’s character. Her constant comparisons to Darcy indicate her inability to find self-confidence and a sense of self-worth.

“But one theme does emerge: they all picked me. And then dumped me. I played the passive role.”

Rachel reviews her three major past relationships, recognizing that her passivity was the only unifying factor. She always seems to be waiting for something else, which is now also true of her situation with Dex. Rachel reveals her life-long inability to find personal fulfillment and her unwillingness to be an advocate for her own happiness.

“As the night wears on, I find myself watching Dex and Darcy interact. I am surprised by the territorial pangs I feel as I observe them together. It is not exactly jealousy, but something related to it.”

Rachel refuses to define her feelings as jealousy but admits she’s experiencing a related emotion. It’s not an emotion she wants to feel—or even thinks she has a right to feel. Her reflections contribute to her feelings of a lack of control over the situation and exposes a cauldron of emotions under her calm exterior.

“We have crossed a new line together. Because even though we have already slept together, that didn’t really count. We were drunk, reckless. Nothing really happened until this kiss today.”

When Rachel and Dex start kissing, she knows they’ve taken an irreversible step. While their drunken tryst could potentially be dismissed and forgotten, their deliberate rendezvous at Rachel’s apartment signals an admission of genuine feelings for one another.

“Yes, Darcy could be a good friend—she usually was—but she also screwed me at a few pivotal moments in life: first love, college dream. Those were no small matters.”

When Rachel tells Ethan about her affair with Dex, he responds that it’s somewhat satisfying given how poorly Darcy has treated her over the years. Although Rachel considers Darcy a good friend, she recognizes that at many defining moments in her life, Darcy has deliberately worked to bring her down. Rachel begins to harbor deep resentment towards Darcy and views her in a more negative light. The pedestal she once placed Darcy on is slowly collapsing.

“This is your fault, Darcy, for taking what should have been mine in the first place.”

Rachel notices aspects of Darcy’s personality that she hadn’t observed before or ignored. She starts to see Darcy in a new light—as someone who is selfish and superficial. She experiences anger and indignation towards her supposed best friend. Her recognition of Darcy as disparaging and cruel is also an indication that Rachel is beginning to feel more empowered—and engaged in a process of self-discovery outside of Darcy’s ever-present shadow. She now sees Dex as hers from the start, and Darcy as the one who stole him away.

“It is over, I say in my head, with the dramatic flourish of a woman wronged. Then I turn around and find Marcus. Sweet Marcus, who offered me his Coke on the beach and is not engaged to anyone.”

When Dex admits to Rachel that he had sex with Darcy when she initiated it, Rachel decides she’s finished with their tryst. She’s finding the confidence to stand up for herself and make it clear to Dex the situation can’t continue the way it is. Rachel’s personal growth as a character is evident as she’s no longer willing to passively put her feelings second. She turns her attention to Marcus, who has always been kind to her.

“I am afraid of any leads he might give me about our future. I can’t bear the thought of losing him, but have yet to consider what it would be like to lose Darcy. To have done something so huge and all-encompassing and wrong and final to my best friend.”

Rachel wants to avoid any discussion with Dex about their situation because it will require her to face the consequences of her actions. While Rachel has gained more confidence and a stronger sense of self-worth, it may potentially cost her a valued friendship, as well as the love of her life. In other words, finding inner strength won’t come without a price.

“And part of me believes that being thirty and alone is sad. Even with a good job. Even in Manhattan.”

Darcy’s comments to Rachel on the way to the baby shower, which include the point that the other girls may be judging Rachel for being single, triggers Rachel’s insecurities about herself. Her biggest issue about turning 30 was the fact that she was still alone. Despite having Dex in her life, she still feels self-conscious about being outwardly labeled as single. Her sentiment that she still thinks being single is sad reveals that, while she’s growing as a person, she still holds on to toxic preconceived notions about her age and marital status.

“But I can sense a recent shift. I allow myself to think of the future now. I’ve stopped feeling sick when I imagine Dex canceling the wedding. I’ve stopped feeling that my loyalty to Darcy should always come before all else, namely what I want.”

Rachel is starting to realize that her attitude towards herself is changing. She’s seeing herself as a more active participant in her own life, rather than someone who sits on the sidelines while Darcy takes center stage. As an advocate for her own happiness, Rachel thinks about forging a better future for herself. Although the “shift” she’s referring to has been gradually happening over the course of her relationship with Dex, she’s slowly becoming much more aware of it.

“We didn’t have a talk because it is all so obvious. We are in love and meant to be together, and the dice confirmed everything.”

Rachel justifies avoiding her talk with Dex by placing her faith in the double sixes he rolls with the dice. She convinces herself that they didn’t need to talk because the dice he bought on a whim prove they are meant to be together. That she chooses to hide behind a chance roll of the dice, instead of expressing her feelings to Dex, shows that she still struggles to take an active role in shaping her fate. Rachel’s growing confidence does not yet extend to telling Dex exactly what she wants and needs from him in the future. In that respect, she is still allowing Darcy to pull the puppet strings.

“I am suddenly overcome with a profound sadness for those two little girls. For what is now gone between them. For what might never be regained, no matter what happens with Dex.”

When Darcy spends the night at Rachel’s, their friendship starts to feel more like it did when they were growing up. Through her sudden feelings of sadness, Rachel mourns the loss of their friendship and the fact that it will never be that way again. While Dex is part of the reason they’ve drifted apart, the quote shows how much Rachel has fundamentally changed her view of Darcy. Her sadness is an inevitable part of her growth and desire to find her own identity apart from Darcy.

“Then I sit on my couch thinking about last night, my friendship with Darcy. Will I be able to live with myself if I get what I want at her expense? What would life be like without her?”

Rachel has never doubted her love for Dex but spending quality time with Darcy makes her wonder if finding happiness is worth losing a friendship. She recognizes that there is a high price for getting what she wants, and her personal journey to fulfillment will require sacrifices. The reality that she most likely won’t be able to keep both Darcy and Dex in her life is becoming concrete in her mind.

“She is getting married in less than two months. She is a glowing bride-to-be with a stunning gown, the kind that you dream about when you’re a little girl. And she is with Dexter. How in the world could anyone cheat on Dexter?”

Despite Darcy’s selfishness and flirtatious tendencies, Rachel is in disbelief when Darcy tells her she cheated on Dex. Since Dex is the love of Rachel’s life and the man of her dreams, she has a difficult time comprehending Darcy’s motives. The quote demonstrates the growing divide between Darcy and Rachel, and how life is leading them down opposing paths. Darcy has Dex but longs to be single, while Rachel desires nothing more than to be with Dex. Rachel can no longer relate to her best friend or understand her choices.

“I think of Hillary’s advice, how she has been telling me to say something all along. But I am not doing this for her. This is for me.”

When Rachel finally gives Dex an ultimatum to call off the wedding or end their relationship, she demonstrates that she has finally found her strength. While her self-confidence has been growing stronger, she had not been able to confront Dex about their situation until this point. She remained passive and allowed Dex to have control. Through the ultimatum, she has fully realized her agency, power, and resolve.

“As Dex stands up and walks to the door, I consider screaming, begging, Don’t go! Please! I love you! Change your mind! She cheated on you! But instead I watch him leave, not hesitating or turning back for one final look at me.”

When Dex tells Rachel he’s staying with Darcy, she fights the urge to beg him to come back. The moment is a test of her newfound strength, and she succeeds in keeping her composure and her dignity. While an earlier version of herself may have handled Dex’s excuses differently, she is now able to calmly recognize that there’s nothing more she can do.

“He laughs. No matter what he says, I know he has a soft spot for her, in spite of himself. Just as I do.”

Although Ethan claims he’s not attracted to Darcy and points out flaws in her character, Rachel knows his view of her is not completely negative. Both she and Ethan have moments where they genuinely like Darcy and find aspects of her personality to be appealing. While they may not want to like her, they sometimes can’t help themselves—which is a testament to Darcy’s power and magnetism.

“He is right; I do have nothing to lose. I’d be leaving nothing. A depressing thought.”

Rachel seriously considers moving to London when Ethan points out she has nothing to lose. That she agrees with him reveals that she’s at a point where she feels no strong connection to her job or friendships. In her mind, Darcy has won everything, rendering their competitive relationship unsalvageable. While she may still have feelings for Dex, he chose Darcy—which makes leaving him behind easier.

“Well, I will not give him the satisfaction. And I will not be patronized. If he goes down that road of telling me again how sorry he is, I will cut him off.”

Rachel is not interested in hearing Dex’s apologies. Through her relationship with him—both the happiness and the heartache—she discovered her value and self-worth. While she may have been silent in the past, and let other people control her, she is no longer willing to be condescended to or played for a fool. She has found the strength to potentially cut Dex off forever if he can’t find a way to be with her.

“Dex keeps his arms tightly wrapped around me and makes consoling sounds, but he doesn’t ask me why, exactly, I am crying. Maybe because he understands. Maybe because he knows that it’s not the time for questions. Whatever his reason, I have never loved him more.”

Rachel receives the news that Annalise has given birth and named her daughter after Rachel and Darcy. Astonished that her friend has a baby, Rachel finally grieves the experiences she’s missed out on life and her friendship with Darcy, as she knows it has been irreparably damaged. Hannah Jane, Annalise’s daughter’s name, unites Darcy and Rachel’s middle name and figuratively brings them together in a way Rachel recognizes will never happen again.

“And without Dex in my life, I like to think I could have somehow found contentment. But the truth is, I feel freer with Dex than I ever did when I was single. I feel more myself with him than without. Maybe true love does that.”

While Rachel feels that being a strong, single, independent woman may have led her to find happiness, she knows that being with Dex has been crucial to her personal growth. He played an instrumental role in inspiring her growth in confidence and self-awareness. She may have achieved these qualities without him, but their unconditional love for one another was a major catalyst for her journey of self-discovery. Before him, she was passive and afraid to take risks. Because of him, she was forced to overcome her fears and make enormous sacrifices.