Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Verbally communicating your needs is step one. People cannot accurately assume your boundaries based on your body language or unspoken expectations. When you explicitly state what you expect, there is little room for others to misinterpret what works for you.”

Tawwab advises the reader to always clearly verbalize their boundaries, rather than hoping people will guess what they are. While this kind of explicit communication is more socially uncomfortable, Tawwab insists that it will save everyone in the relationship from frustration in the long-term.

“Burnout is overwhelming, and boundaries are the cure. Burnout happens when people become emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted [...] In many cases, like Erica’s, it leads to chronic frustration, neglect in duties, moodiness, and avoidance.”

Tawwab explains how taking on too many tasks and responsibilities can lead to “burnout,” in which people feel too exhausted to function in everyday life. She cites one client who worked full-time in addition to being a single mother; the client eventually became overwhelmed and discouraged at not being able to excel at her many tasks. By realizing the emotional roots of her problem, Erica was able to ask for help from friends and professionals to lighten her load.

“It’s your responsibility to tell people how burdened you are in your relationships [...] For our relationships to improve, we assume that the other person has to change. We’re unaware of the aspects within our control, such as setting boundaries.”

Tawwab tries to shift the reader’s perspective away from what they dislike about others’ behavior and towards how they could change their own, emphasizing the importance of Exercising Personal Agency and Control. In this quotation, the author encourages the reader to consider how their own actions have contributed to their problems and how they could be reoriented to find a solution. This quotation helps the author build her theme about focusing on one’s agency in relationships.

“They’ve seen their mothers personify a self-less image of womanhood, so in their attempt to be a woman, they repeat what they saw. But our mothers were burned out, too. It’s just that their generation often believed that they were obligated to do everything for others without complaint.”

Tawwab considers the roots of people’s relationships with themselves, noting that in previous generations, women were socialized to act as the main source of emotional and practical support for their family. The author argues that this example creates a subconscious connection between poor boundaries and womanhood, causing younger women to approach relationships in the same way. This quotation encourages the reader to consider the cultural roots of their boundary issues alongside their individual experiences, while also alluding to The Childhood Roots of Boundary Problems.

“‘I’m a helper.’ There’s nothing wrong with that, but you can be a helper without being a pushover. Help people and set a boundary. Limits create clarity about how you are willing and able to help.”

Tawwab clarifies that people can continue to help their friends, family, and others and feel proud of their “helper” identity but advises them to make clear boundaries about the help they are willing to give. She uses this as another opportunity to warn the reader against helping others at their own expense.

“Intellectual Boundaries refer to your thoughts and ideas. You’re free to have an opinion about anything you want. And when you express your opinion, your words shouldn’t be dismissed, belittled, or ridiculed.”

Tawwab lists Intellectual Boundaries as another facet of relationships. This quotation helps the reader broaden their definition of boundaries to include information that they give and receive, and how to react respectfully when people share their thoughts with them.

“In my experience, of the six areas listed, time is the boundary area that people tend to struggle with the most. Time Boundaries consist of how you manage your time, how you allow others to use your time, how you deal with favor requests, and how you structure your free time.”

Tawwab’s revelation prompts the reader to evaluate how they spend their time and which requests they agree to take on. This quotation raises the question of why Time Boundaries are so difficult to set and maintain and engages the reader to learn more about the different manifestations of time boundary problems.

“But oversharing involves telling people information that’s inappropriate based on the context, disclosing someone else’s private information, or providing in-depth personal details in a relationship that hasn’t established that level of disclosure. The over-sharer usually has no idea they’ve gone too far. People overshare with me in social settings a lot [...] I do like listening to people share, but it can be awkward socially.”

Tawwab explains what oversharing is and why it can backfire in an effort to become close to someone. While oversharers usually want to create friendship and intimacy with others, their approach can easily violate other people’s Intellectual and Emotional Boundaries. By sharing her personal experience dealing with oversharers, the author encourages the reader to remember what these interactions are really like for the listener.

“In enmeshed relationships, individualization is not acceptable. Neither are boundaries. These relationships thrive on each person being very similar to the other. If one person makes attempts to set limits, create new roles, or shift the dynamics, the relationship is in danger of termination.”

Tawwab considers how in some unhealthy relationships people become “enmeshed,” preventing either person from creating boundaries with the other. This quotation defines enmeshment and highlights how these relationships perpetuate rigid identities that cannot change or grow.

“When we passive-aggressively set boundaries, we say something indirectly to the other person, or we speak to someone who isn’t in a position to resolve the issue.”

Tawwab explains that passive-aggressive boundary setting is likely to fail because people have not communicated directly with the person who is causing the problem. While it is easier to talk about people rather than to them, the author insists that direct communication is the only real way to assertively communicate a boundary.

“Assertiveness involves communicating your boundaries openly and without attacking others. It isn’t demanding. Instead, it’s a way of commanding that people hear you [...] Working on boundaries means also working on your ability to be assertive.”

The author highlights how boundary setting is impossible without assertiveness. This quotation helps the reader understand that assertiveness includes calm and clear language that is not hostile to the other person.

“Be clear. Do your best to be as straightforward as possible. Mind your tone— don’t yell or whisper. People will miss the boundary if you use complicated words or jargon. Take a deep, deep breath, and focus on being precise.”

Tawwab coaches the reader to make simple, clear boundaries and communicate them confidently. This quotation gives the reader a practical guide to refer to.

“How often and how you give your time to others is your choice. You don’t have to offer your time freely to people you find emotionally draining. It may seem like you ‘have to’ answer the phone, respond to a text, or answer an email, but you don’t.”

This passage encourages the reader to question the social pressure they may feel to interact with others or always be available to them. The author points out that all of these actions are choices which people have the right to change when they need to, reflecting the importance of Exercising Personal Agency and Control.

“When you’ve tried setting boundaries and your requests are continuously violated, it may be time to consider cutting people off [...] Ending a relationship isn’t a sign that you no longer care about the other person. It’s an indicator of self-love, self-care, healthy boundaries, bravery, and your desire to be well.”

Tawwab argues that people should consider ending a relationship if their boundaries are ignored. While this can seem harsh, the author highlights how it could contribute to one’s self-respect. This quotation helps the author develop her theme about The Relationship Between Self-Care and Boundaries.

“So start small. You may not be ready to say no every time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. Perhaps you could agree with yourself to say no half the time or say no to what bothers you the most. People may not recognize and adhere to your boundaries overnight. But with time, stating your expectations will become more natural to you, and people will become more aware of them.”

The author acknowledges that setting boundaries is challenging at first and encourages the reader to make small steps towards implementing their boundaries. This quotation helps the reader set realistic expectations about setting boundaries and makes this practice less daunting.

“Fearing vulnerability is fearing judgment. Rigid boundaries abound when we fear vulnerability, because the mission becomes staying safe.”

In Chapter 8: “Trauma and Boundaries,” the author explains the connection between traumatic experiences and rigid boundaries. This passage highlights how adverse experiences prompt people to seek safety by shutting out others and refusing to be vulnerable. The author explains how this understandable reaction can inhibit people from forming close friendships and relationships and lead to social isolation.

“‘People are always taking advantage of me.’ I hear this frequently in my office. But are they? The real question is, How are you allowing people to take advantage of you?’”

The author emphasizes how people can use their personal agency to create the life they want. Tawwab encourages the reader to consider how they can change their behavior in order to not be exploited or resent others. This quotation helps Tawwab develop her theme about Exercising Personal Agency and Control.

“Having boundaries helps children feel safer. Despite their opposition, they benefit from rules and structure, and limits are essential to teach them about how to treat others and have healthy relationships.”

The author argues that creating boundaries for children is an essential part of parenting, as they give children healthy limits and expectations. This passage ties in with Tawwab’s other commentary on parenting, in which she explains The Childhood Roots of Boundary Problems.

“It’s fun at the beginning of a relationship, and we often seem easy to please. But the most pleasing thing you can do is be honest with yourself and the person you’re dating. Also, to save yourself time and a lot of heartaches, believe people when they say things like ‘I don’t want a serious relationship,’ ‘I don’t think I’m the marrying type,’ ‘All my exes said I was crazy,’ or ‘I can’t see myself with a kid.’”

Tawwab analyzes how boundaries in romantic relationships can include being frank and honest with others. She claims that people are often people-pleasing in the early stages of a relationship, which can cause problems later on when their repressed needs or opinions emerge. In this passage, Tawwab explains that authenticity is a part of boundaries, and that it is more respectful and realistic to not try to change others’ boundaries around commitment or having children.

“In my years of helping couples, I’m astonished by how often they operate without first discussing the rules of engagement, including what can and can’t happen in the relationship. I’m not talking about what has been appropriate in other relationships, but in the current relationship. What is acceptable and unacceptable?”

The author advises the reader to explicitly communicate about a host of issues in a relationship, including fidelity, finances, household tasks, parenting, and more. This passage suggests that boundaries are especially necessary when sharing one’s life with someone and can help prevent conflict by creating understanding upfront between partners.

“Almost everyone complains about something, but the frequency matters. No one enjoys hearing someone ruminate about the same thing repeatedly. The friend who complains all the time does so without limitation because we have provided a space for it.”

In her passage on friendships, the author suggests that people take an active role in shaping the types of conversations they would like to have with their friends. She acknowledges that listening to repeated complaints is a common drain on friendships and challenges the reader to consider how their responses may allow or encourage this kind of conversation. This passage connects to Tawwab’s larger argument about Exercising Personal Agency and Control in boundary-setting.

“If you have a boss with poor limits, you don’t have to mimic their issues. Be very clear about yours, and if they’re challenged, speak up immediately [...] Consider this: work is where people spend the majority of their time, and your time is valuable.”

The author addresses the challenges of setting boundaries at work and implores the reader to not accept a negative workplace culture as normal. By pointing out work’s prominence in people’s lives, Tawwab urges the reader to prioritize their needs in the workplace and to be assertive with their boundaries to their boss or coworker.

“A friend of mine told me that her young son asked her, ‘Do you love your phone more than me?’ She was hurt, but so was he. Devices are like a laptop in our hands. We can watch TV, listen to podcasts, shop, socialize, and so much more. But at what cost?”

Tawwab contends that one of the most important ways that people can set boundaries with themselves is to manage how they spend their time. This passage demonstrates how technological distractions, such as phones and social media, can be detrimental to people’s relationships. Thus, the author asserts that people should create boundaries about their use of these tools.