Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

This chapter discusses how introverts and extroverts can deal with their opposite type, particularly in romantic relationships. Cain begins with an anecdote about a married couple, Greg and Emily. While they largely enjoy each other’s differences, they disagree on how sociable to be. Extroverted Greg, a music promoter, wants to host weekly dinner parties, while introverted Emily, a lawyer, does not. They cannot agree on when and how often to hold the parties, which has become a point of conflict in their marriage.

It’s often hard for introverts and extroverts to understand how the other type likes spending time. People who are introverted focus more on the quality of friendships, preferring a quieter time with just one person or a small group of close friends. Extroverts, on the other hand, easily fit into large groups of people they hardly know, enjoying the free-flowing social atmosphere. Introverts need downtime, while extroverts need to be social.

Another point of potential conflict is how to resolve differences, because the two types perceive behaviors in different ways. Emily, like most introverts, doesn’t want to lose control of her emotions, worried about projecting anger when she doesn’t mean it. Greg perceives this as being disengaged and uncaring; he prefers to get emotional as a way of showing how much he cares. To Emily, such a display indicates conflict, which she abhors, and it feels “as if Greg has suddenly turned on her” (232). This indicates that their ways of resolving differences start out on a very different foundation. Each side needs to be aware of this and make compromises, Cain suggests. Emily should realize the distinction between true anger and simply being emotional, and should even project a little emotion of her own occasionally to signal to Greg the depth of her feelings. Conversely, Greg should try to tone it down for Emily’s sake and understand that really giving into one’s feelings isn’t always healthy—in fact, sometimes it exacerbates things.

Another approach is to look at how each type handles social events. The different ways brains work come into play here. Extroverts think faster on their feet and are better at multitasking; thus, a varied environment full of stimulation suits them fine. Introverts, however, focus more on one thing at a time and use some cognitive capacity to assess things in the moment. This can make them appear reserved in larger groups, but also makes them great one-on-one or in smaller groups, where they can give all of their attention to a more manageable situation. For Emily and Greg, this may be the key to a solution. Instead of hosting large dinner parties around a single table, they could switch to a buffet format to allow guests to break up into smaller groups to gather and eat. This would let Emily find her niche while Greg could work the room as a roving host.

The final chapter gives advice about how best to raise an introverted child. Cain first discusses parent-child relationships, noting special challenges when parents are extroverts and their child is an introvert. Sometimes these parents try to force their child to be more outgoing. First, it’s important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with being introverted—no child needs to be changed into extroversion. There are various ways to be in the world, even in a country like the United States with a strong Extrovert Ideal. However, introverted parents of introverts don’t automatically do a better job of parenting. Sometimes they relive old, unpleasant memories of their own childhood and avoid doing things that could gently help their child overcome challenges. No two people are exactly alike, so an introverted child may have different needs than what their parent assumes.

To help their children, parents should educate themselves on how introverts usually interact and why they have the preferences they do. The parents need to bear in mind that introverts are not antisocial, but rather feel overwhelmed by new people and situations. They should introduce things gradually and go slowly. They can also prepare for the new ahead of time, discussing with their child what to expect and how to act. When starting at a new school, one strategy is to visit before classes start, seeing the classroom and meeting the teacher in a stress-free way. Getting introverted kids to make successful small steps can demystify a situation. Likewise, associating a new situation with a deep interest can help them overcome inhibitions and get them hooked.

In school, introverts need a certain environment to thrive—and don’t always get it, since “many schools are designed for extroverts” (253). Teachers should accept introverts as they are and include lessons that take into account their learning styles. Research shows that one third to one half of all people are introverts, so there are more of them in the classroom than a teacher may realize; they don’t all act the same and some are good at playing the role of extrovert. Teachers should provide a mix of activities geared toward both introverts and extroverts. The former can learn socialization techniques from working in pairs or small groups (large groups tend to overwhelm), and the latter can learn to work independently even when that’s not their preferred approach. Teachers and parents should encourage introverts in their hobbies and passions outside the classroom. Introverts are often drawn to exploring one or two things in a deep way; finding peers who share an interest can allow introverts can make their own community.

In a short Conclusion, Cain offers a summary of the book’s main points. She writes in the second person, telling readers to just be themselves, whether introverted or extroverted. She gives advice for introverts in an extroverted society, and addresses what parents, teachers, and employers can do for them. Above all, she wants people to be comfortable in their own skin.