OCDaniel

“It was like she was the only person who had ever actually seen me.” 

Daniel is referring to Sara, after she speaks to him for the first time. He feels an immediate connection with her, which is seemingly based on the semiconscious sense that she knows something about what makes him different.

“He had turned it on, and he had done something terrible.” 

In the opening of Daniel’s story, fictional Daniel flicked a switch on a computer in the attic and wiped out the human race. This is a metaphor for Daniel’s OCD anxiety, and the fear that terrible things will happen if he doesn’t “fix” certain things.

“Max looked at me and his eyes were totally black like his pupils had taken over everything.” 

In Daniel’s dream, Max transforms into something horrific and menacing. This dream represents Daniel’s fear of people turning against him once they find out about his condition.

“Football was really the only thing he talked about other than grades and chores.” 

During a family dinner, Daniel ponders this as his father quizzes him about the football team. At this point, Daniel is not on the team and does not like football, so his father’s questions provoke hostility within Daniel. This also reflects the inability of Daniel’s father to properly connect or communicate with Daniel.

“You have to dance. Girls love a dancer. They don’t like the guy in the corner.”

Daniel’s mother provides this advice to Daniel while she’s driving him to the dance. While well intentioned, such comments add to the anxiety Daniel is already feeling about the situation. In addition, his mother’s comments form part of a context where he is being exhorted to “stand out” and perform to win the approval of girls.

“I’m not sure I like the idea of fate.” 

Daniel has this thought as he is going into the school gym for the dance. It seems to foreshadow the traumatic event, and embarrassment, that will follow. Fate also implies that one has no control over a situation or outcome, an idea that is deeply troubling to a person living with OCD.

“I could never date her, because I was crazy.”

After Daniel flicks the switch at the dance, he runs home and performs a traumatic routine. He then worries about never winning Raya’s, or any girl’s, affection because his condition marks him out as unusual.

“Some kids dressed up at school—maybe I could wear a mask.” 

The morning after the dance, Daniel is contemplating the day ahead at school. Because it is Halloween, he fantasizes about wearing a mask to disguise his identity. He fears the judgement that will come from having revealed a symptom of his condition to his peers.

“No one likes a mope.”

At breakfast, the morning after the dance, Steve offers Daniel some more advice. Steve suggests that he “buck up” and suppress his despair. This forms part of a litany of bad and psychologically unhealthy advice from Steve and Daniel’s mother. It is also an admonition to conform to what is most comfortable for, and expected from, other people.

“You’re not totally human, Daniel Leigh.” 

This is what Sara says to Daniel in the context of explaining the “Star Child” concept. On one level, she is repeating the fanciful idea that certain gifted children have some alien DNA. On another level, she is commenting on Daniel’s dislocation from the ordinary world of human life and activity.

“Tall and black as night. As fast as a shadow. And strangely, eerily human.” 

In Daniel’s book, the “portal men” are strange creatures that materialize after fictional Daniel flips the switch, which removes all other humans. Similar to Daniel’s dream about Max, the “portal men” represent Daniel’s fear that people will act hostile towards him if they find out about his OCD.

“Sometimes I really wish I was fake Daniel…I like him more.”

Daniel says this in the context of discussing how writing several chapters of his book has helped with his anxiety. He wishes to be “fake Daniel” because this would allow an escape from the anxieties and problems of his own life. It also indicates how the fictional Daniel is an empowered and idealized version of what he would be like if not hindered by his condition.

“My dad and I were closer, maybe because he didn’t try as hard to make me normal.”

Sara explains to Daniel her relationship with her parents. According to Sara, her father accepted her for who she was, someone different. In contrast, her mother tried to “cure” her by taking her to doctors.

“I don’t know why, but watching someone else break made me feel a lot less broken.” 

Daniel reflects on witnessing Sara having a panic attack. This comment suggests that consolation for people living with mental illnesses can be found in awareness that they are not alone. It also foreshadows the deeper connection between Sara and Daniel formed from their shared struggles.

“Maybe I didn’t see mine too much, but he was there. Sara’s and Max’s were gone, and they had both taken a bit of their children with them.” 

Max has just been talking about how his estranged father will come and watch him play at the upcoming match. Daniel observes that the absence of father figures for Sara and Max results in psychological pain. Daniel’s comments suggest that Sara and Max cannot be whole without their fathers.

“You can’t be crazy when you’re the only one.”

Sara explains to Daniel why she sometimes wishes she was the only person in the world. This comment reveals an astute understanding of the nature of “craziness”—that it exists only as a contrast to what others describe as typical.

“He was watching Max proudly, as if he had a right to do that.”

Daniel is observing Max’s father watching the game. He expresses an indignation that Max’s parent could show so little interest in Max but still claim some pride for his achievement. This is linked to a broader criticism in the novel of the idea of “pride” as a selfish and stunted emotion, particularly on the part of the various characters’ fathers.

“You have to pay the price to be special.” 

Sara sees Daniel having an attack of OCD anxiety as they are trying to escape John’s house. She reveals once again a more astute understanding of their situation than Daniel. She suggests that suffering is the price to pay for being different and gifted.

“I got to control everything. It was my world and my story.”

After Daniel reads a book on OCD explaining that compulsive behaviors are a way to control OCD anxiety, he realizes why he enjoys writing so much. It offers him the control that the real world does not. However, it also betrays a worryingly solipsistic attitude towards his writing.

“It’s funny to be a prisoner of yourself. Like you’re being bullied by your own mind and you’re afraid of it, but it’s also you and it’s extremely confusing.” 

Daniel realizes that labeling his condition as OCD does not help alleviate it. He understands the self-destructive aspect of his condition.

“I stared at the ceiling and wondered what the point of mental illness was. Like, if it was just something that was broken or if they were there for a reason.” 

Daniel reflects further on the nature of OCD and mental illnesses in general. His thoughts here capture a fundamental question raised by the novel. Namely, do we accept that mental illnesses are simply a dysfunction, in the same way we think of physical illnesses? Or could there be something valuable or unique that actually emerges because of such conditions?

“She said you must be very special to make me talk.” 

This is what Sara’s TA apparently said to her. Daniel is the first, and only, person she has spoken to since her father died. It indicates the depth of the connection that now exists between Sara and Daniel.

“We lay there in silence for a while, and then started the walk home.” 

Daniel has found Sara in the field they went to, after Sara had argued with her mother and run away. It shows that a connection can be based as much upon silence as on talking. More precisely, the intimacy that now exists between Sara and Daniel is such that they don’t need to talk to communicate.