Mile High (Windy City, #1)

“As soon as I exit out of our messages, I redownload my Tinder app. I never use the apps when I’m home, but one of the perks of spending a good amount of time on the road is the casual hookup with a stranger. I feel more confident in bed when it’s someone I know I’ll never see again. I don’t worry too much about how my body looks or how soft I feel under someone random. I get to let loose and feel good with the sole purpose of getting off, knowing they’ll never lay eyes on me again.”

In this passage, Stevie Shay’s complex attitude toward sex and dating indicates her fraught relationship with her body. Stevie hides her insecurities from others and avoids authentic forms of intimacy because she doesn’t feel confident about her physical appearance. The way that she interacts with her dating app therefore reveals the extent of her self-doubting and self-deprecating habits.

“The bar suddenly seems overcrowded and hot. I’m not claustrophobic, but it currently feels like I might be. I close my empty fist. My palms are clammy as a rush of warm air hits my cheeks, my vision slightly blurring. I attempt to take a breath, but there’s no air in the room. Fuck. I haven’t had one of these in years. Without a word or a second thought, I bolt out the front door of the bar.”

Zanders’s emotional and physical response to his sister Lindsey’s text message about their mother hints at the extent of his childhood trauma. The use of fragmentation and expletives in this passage illustrates Zanders’s harried state of mind and indicates that his traumatic past continues to impact him powerfully, even in his adult life.

“I’m frustrated too. I don’t give a shit if they want to talk about my personal life, but it would be nice if the media would mention the good things I do for the community too. Most people don’t know I’m half the face of our foundation. They assume that it’s Maddison’s charity because it fits the whole nice, family guy image. It wouldn’t make much sense for the media’s narrative that I’m this asshole who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but also happens to be the co-founder of a charity for underprivileged youth suffering from mental illness.”

Zanders’s decision to hide his involvement with Active Minds of Chicago from the media takes its toll when he realizes that he has actively prevented the public from fully appreciating the extent of his activism. His emotional reaction introduces something of a paradox, for although he is discontented with matters as they stand, he does not yet have the courage to amend his public image and show his true self to the world. This passage therefore establishes Zanders’s struggle to strike a balance between his public and private identities.

“I harshly swallow, suddenly feeling claustrophobic on this airplane. The space is too small. I’m exposed in the exit row for everyone to see. I don’t want anyone to look at me in my embarrassment. My uniform hugs my body, and I feel it digging in at my hips, my chest, and under my arms. Everyone can tell that it doesn’t fit me correctly. I know it. The first thing they see is a body that carries a few more pounds than I’d like it to, and I was an idiot to think maybe these guys wouldn’t judge me for it.”

Although Zanders’s remarks about food are not intended to be an insult, they nonetheless trigger Stevie’s traumas and insecurities. When she assumes that Zanders is criticizing her body, she has a physiological response to his words, and the tense, choppy diction of the passage emphasizes the intensity of her internal experience. Words like “harshly,” “claustrophobic,” “exposed,” and “digging” capture her physical and emotional discomfort and underscore the ways in which her trauma continues to damage her self-esteem.

“If I could live off taking care of these animals and giving them the love that no one else will, I would. But unfortunately, it’s a nonprofit barely surviving off slim to no donations. So those of us who volunteer do so because we love the animals. And I relate to them.”

The enthusiastic way that Stevie talks about Senior Dogs of Chicago captures her passionate investment in the shelter. Stevie’s commitment to this cause is selfless and pure, for she isn’t paid for her work and still enjoys spending all of her free time with the elderly dogs and the shelter owner. Her close connection to the organization reveals the extent of her empathic nature.

“Our flirty banter quickly straightened out my confusion. Her attitude and resistance to me are no longer teetering on the side of frustrating. It’s all intrigue and need at this point.”

The more often Zanders interacts with Stevie, the more intensely he feels drawn to her. Initially, he perceives their playful dynamic as a superficial amusement to pass time on the plane. Over time, however, their cumulative interactions make him feel connected to Stevie in unexpected ways. This passage therefore marks a turning point in Zanders’s regard for Stevie and in his character development.

“Over the last thirty minutes, all I’ve heard is them cutting Stevie down. She might not notice that these girls are not her real friends, but it’s pretty evident to me. They’ve mentioned her hair being all over the place, which I must say is ten times more amazing than either of their stringy bleached strands. They’ve underhandedly made comments about her body, which makes me real sensitive about that topic for her after Stevie got upset last week.”

Zanders’s ability to perceive Stevie’s vulnerability reveals his hidden depths and sensitivity, and this passage also emphasizes his awareness of her emotions, even when she is in the midst of her professional duties on the plane. Although he often teases Stevie and gives her a hard time at work, he is also able to see her insecurity and wants to protect her. In this scene, he assumes a new role in Stevie’s life when he defends her in public.

“With a huff, I sit up, my back to the headboard, thoroughly pissed off that my ex had the audacity to text me so casually like that. He thinks I’m going to crawl right back to him the way I did countless times in college? He thinks he can keep treating me like his backup option, and I’ll be waiting for him? I don’t want to be anyone’s option anymore. I want someone to choose me.”

Stevie’s heated reflections on her problematic past relationship with her ex-boyfriend Brett convey her new desire for growth and change. Stevie would habitually restart her relationship with Brett back every time he chose to break up with her, but now, she finally chooses to reject him, recognizing that she deserves better. Setting this boundary illustrates Stevie’s new determination to value herself highly and to seek out healthier relationships.

“She’s an interesting combination of insecure and confident, the same as I am, but in entirely different ways. But from what I know of the wild flight attendant, she wouldn’t want to be treated with kid gloves. So, I’m not going to. I’m not going to avoid the parts of her body she’s insecure about just to keep the attention off them. Instead, I’m going to touch every inch of her while I fuck her so hard she probably won’t even remember her own name, let alone what she doesn’t like about her body.”

Zanders and Stevie’s first sexual encounter creates new bonds between them. Zanders treats Stevie with tenderness and respect because he wants Stevie to feel valued, worthy, and desirable. In this passage, his internal monologue during their sexual encounter captures his selfless desire to love and choose her, and his intentions emphasize The Transformative Power of Love.

“Eddie isn’t a typical therapist, at least not to me. He’s kind of like a life coach at this stage in our relationship, and it’s real fucking annoying. But the truth is, I do want to be loved, and that’s scary to admit. It’s a lot easier to say you don’t want to be loved when no one loves you.”

Zanders’s therapy sessions with Eddie illustrate the hockey player’s efforts to work on himself and pursue a path of healing after his childhood trauma. In this scene, Zanders is acknowledging the difficulty of confronting his issues and moving beyond them. He also admits that his desire to be loved conflicts with his instinctive fear of being loved. This moment thus marks an important development in Zanders’s personal growth journey.

“Dinner continues, and I stay quiet. Anything I want to talk about—the shelter or the funky little thrift store I stumbled upon last week, are all going to be met with my mother’s disapproval, and I don’t want her to taint the things I love. She can hate on my body or my job that I’m not all that passionate about, but the things that bring real joy to my life, I don’t want her to touch those.”

Christmas with Stevie’s family challenges her to set boundaries with her family and to stand up for herself. Stevie doesn’t yet have the courage to confront her mom for her history of emotional abuse. However, her internal monologue during the holiday visit captures her desire to establish a healthier, more balanced dynamic with her mom in the future.

“People like that are going to treat you like you’re not enough or you’re not worthy, but that’s their own insecurities coming out. They’re bullies, and they’ll stop when you make them stop. If you start loving yourself, their words will no longer have meaning. You’ve got to start standing up for yourself, Stevie.”

The more time that Stevie and Zanders spend together, the more they open up to one another. After leaving their respective Christmas visits, they bond over their complicated familial relationships. Zanders doesn’t minimize Stevie’s frustrations with her mom; instead, he encourages her to use her voice and claim her experience. His words also foreshadow Stevie’s later confrontations with her mom, the paparazzi, and Brett as she gains courage and starts to speak up for herself.

“One thing I find solace in when it comes to Zanders is his inability to lie. I’ve been lied to more times than I’d like to admit, but with Zanders, it’s been entirely freeing knowing that he’s going to say exactly what’s on his mind. But here he is, lying about who he is, and regardless of him lying to hide an amazing part of his life, it throws me off in an unexpected way.”

Zanders’s contradictory public and private identities complicate Stevie’s understanding of his character. At the Active Minds gala, Stevie gains a window into Zanders’s true self when she learns that he’s a co-founder of the charity. However, she struggles to reconcile this revelation with Zanders’s bad-boy persona. This dichotomy complicates the dynamics of the burgeoning romance and foreshadows new conflicts to come.

“Look, I didn’t talk to her much last week at the gala, and I don’t know her, but I think she’s confused about why you put out this media persona to the world. Give her a little grace. Eli was the most selfish person when we met, and if he kept acting that way towards everyone else in public but was sweet just to me behind closed doors, I think maybe I’d be confused too. His real change happened when he started to love everyone around him, not only himself and not just me.”

Logan Maddison often acts as a guide for Zanders. Because she is one of Zanders’s best friends, he trusts her advice and appreciates her honesty and bluntness. In this passage, Logan gives Zanders a fresh perspective on his relationship by sharing aspects of her own experience with Eli, and she encourages him to stop hiding his true self. She thus acts as a voice of reason in Zanders’s life and urges him to change for the better.

“I don’t know how to answer that without laying all my cards on the table about just how much I like him. He’s good, too good. It’s just taken me months to see it. It’s taken months for him to peel back every layer and show me who he is. But this, the real him, I like him way too much.”

Stevie’s linguistic patterns in this passage capture her deepening affection for Zanders. The erratic and emotional tone of her words reveals her frenzied contemplations, but despite her reservations, she finds herself succumbing to The Transformative Power of Love.

“You’re right, Mom. I’m such a disappointment, aren’t I? Because I’d rather volunteer at a dog shelter than stay home and play Stepford wife. Or because I’d rather shop at a thrift store than wear whatever shit you and all your pretentious friends wear. Or maybe I’m a disappointment because I don’t want to marry the guy who used me for three years while he was bored. I’m sorry I don’t want to be his option anymore, Mom, but I’m done with both of you making me feel like I’m not enough. I’m really done with anyone who makes me feel that way.”

Stevie’s newfound ability to confront her mother’s emotional abuse illustrates her recent increase in confidence. When her mom starts criticizing her during the family video call, Stevie expresses her true feelings for the first time. She is trying to set boundaries in this relationship while asking her mom to see and value her for who she is.

“My eyes burn with tears from seeing those words. Words he and I haven’t spoken to each other in twelve years. I try to hold it in, but eventually, my body shakes with a silent sob. I didn’t know how badly I needed to hear that from him until now.”

Zanders’s decision to communicate with his dad via text message shows his character’s emotional growth. When he opens up to his dad and admits that he misses him, his dad says that he loves Zanders. This simple exchange moves Zanders and challenges his former notions that his father sees him as unlovable and unworthy.

“I’ve become overly protective of Stevie, especially with how she thinks about herself and her body. Now, because of my and my fucked-up image, endless comments cover the internet, tearing her down and reaffirming the internal dialogue that she already struggles with. It was one thing when the cruel words were her own and the small company of shitty people she kept, telling her she wasn’t enough, but when the entire internet decides to do it? I’m afraid my voice isn’t loud enough to drown out the noise.”

Zanders’s struggle to balance his public and private identities threatens his relationship with Stevie, and he begins to feel insecure as a result, wondering if his own unresolved issues will render his relationship impossible. In particular, the incident with the paparazzi makes Zanders realize that he is powerless to protect Stevie from the media or from internet trolls. This moment foreshadows his decision to break up with Stevie in a misguided attempt to shield her from his own reputation.

“In a way, I think it might hurt worse than losing someone to death. Those losses don’t necessarily choose to leave you. But Zanders did, and now I have to grieve that he’s no longer in my life because he chose not to be. I want to hate him. I want to despise every little thing about him because hating someone is so much easier than loving them when they don’t love you in return. But I do love him, and that’s the worst reminder of all.”

Stevie and Zanders’s breakup doesn’t undermine Stevie’s love for Zanders. Her honest, unbridled tone in this passage captures her sustained attachment to Zanders in spite of how he has hurt her. These lines therefore foreshadow Stevie’s decision not to give up on Zanders and to welcome him back into her life at the novel’s end.

“Maybe, but I don’t need him to protect me. I’m sick of it, actually. Ryan does it too much, and maybe Zanders is doing it too, but I can stand up for myself. Those comments about me online were disgusting, and people are trash, but they didn’t upset me nearly as much as the way people were talking about him. I wasn’t even thinking about myself in that situation.”

Stevie’s conversation with her father in Seattle helps her to make sense of her complex emotions. She is speaking in an honest way because she loves and trusts her dad. In turn, she is claiming her experience and honoring what she wants and needs from her close relationships. These dynamics are signs of Stevie’s personal growth.

“I know. You’ve got to do what’s best for you, but I want you to know where I’m at. I’m over the whole game we’ve been playing into. You’re as good of a man as me, if not better, and I’m tired of people not knowing that. I’m sorry for playing my role all these years by allowing fans to think I was any better than you. Fuck, you’re a huge reason why I am who I am now.”

Maddison acts as a force for positive change in Zanders’s life, and in this passage, he uses plain, blunt language in order to urge Zanders to embrace new growth. He is reminding Zanders how powerfully his own life has been improved through their friendship, and this encourages Zanders to be himself and develop more honest, stable, and balanced relationships.

“Your son might not be able to see it or say it to your face, but he’s better off without you. Who does that? Who leaves their teenage kid then comes back around when he’s making more money than she could ever dream of? You left him! He just wanted his mom to love him and you fucking left. But the joke’s on you because he’s the best person I know, and he became that man all on his own with no thanks to you. You have no idea what you left behind.”

Stevie’s decision to defend Zanders to his mom captures her deep love for him despite their current separation. She is as protective of him as he is of her because she understands how powerfully his childhood trauma continues to impact him. Her courageous, bold tone illustrates how much Stevie has grown, for in this scene, she aptly proves that she has learned to reclaim her voice.

“While we were together, Zanders treated me like he loved me, which was all I needed. I can only hope that when he looks back, he realizes I truly have loved him all along.”

Stevie’s reflections on her relationship with Zanders convey her desire to love him and to be loved by him, without wasting any energy on worrying about outside opinions. She knows how Zanders has transformed her life and sense of self and hopes that she has done the same for him. This moment therefore captures the reciprocal and lasting nature of the protagonists’ bond.