Mad Honey

Five weeks before her death, Lily remembers how she once tried on lipstick before a T-ball game. She was eight years old and was then called Liam. When she came out of the bathroom with lipstick remnants on, her father angrily asked what was wrong with her.

Lily plays the cello, and Ava comes down to talk to her, asking what’s on her mind. Lily remembers everything Ava did for her. Ava took her away from Seattle when things with her father came to a head; moved them to Point Reyes in California for Lily’s social transition; homeschooled her when things got bad; kept her alive after her death-by-suicide attempt; took her to Dr. Monica Powers for surgery; and eventually brought her to Adams, giving up active work as a park ranger and taking up a desk job instead.

Lily begins crying and asks Ava if she hates her, to which Ava responds, “‘Honey. How could I ever hate you?’” (207). Ava and Lily have a coded conversation about sex, in which Ava suggests that whatever decision Lily makes about telling Asher the truth will have its own consequences. Lily wonders if Asher will get angry, remembering how he bruised her before.

Lily heads to the local music store, Edgar’s, to buy a new string for her cello. She is startled to realize that Lizzy, who owns the store, is a trans woman. Lizzy used to be Edgar, but now goes by Elizabeth. Lily is amazed to see how openly Lizzy lives her life and owns her experience. On the way back home, Lily texts Asher and asks to meet.

As Lily waits for Asher in her room, she reflects on the phenomenon of “passing”: “a whole pyramid of bigotry, with people who most resemble the dominant culture at the top, and people whose difference makes them stand out at the bottom” (217). Lily has always “passed” as a girl because of her genetics: She looks more like Ava; she has been on puberty blockers since age 12; and the surgery she had makes it so that no one can tell the difference. Lily feels ashamed about how, in a school without other openly trans, queer, and non-binary students, she has chosen not to align with them, instead going out with Asher. As co-captain of the hockey team, Asher feels like the “poster boy for cisgender straight men” (219).

Lily remembers being outed in the past against her will, including once by her father. The consequences were bad each time, and the last time it happened was after a Valentine’s Day dance, after which Lily tried to kill herself. When they moved east, Ava decided that they just wouldn’t tell anyone. Asher arrives, and Lily tells him that she’s trans. Asher is shocked and immediately withdraws from her. He leaves, saying that he needs to think.

A moment of stunned silence follows Dr. McBride’s revelation about Lily; then, the courtroom erupts into pandemonium. Judge Byers calls a recess for the day. Jordan confronts Gina about not disclosing that Lily was trans, and Gina asserts that she didn’t know either. Jordan takes Asher and Olivia to a private conference, where they wait for the media people to leave. Olivia notices that Asher seems unsettled but not surprised. Jordan decides to build a case on how Asher never knew that Lily was trans, thus preventing the prosecution from citing the “trans panic” motivation. Jordan forbids Asher from telling him anything more.

Olivia runs into Ava in the bathroom and wonders why she didn’t say anything even to the prosecutor. Olivia asserts that Asher isn’t a murderer, and Ava responds, “Things aren’t always what they seem to be” (227). As they leave, Olivia asks Jordan if he thinks Asher knew, and Jordan hopes he didn’t.

Olivia remembers meeting Braden for the first time at a bar, when they were both on blind dates but were both stood up. The two connected over this and went out to dinner together that night, after which they kissed in the rain. Braden asked her out the next day. Back then, Olivia was charmed by Braden’s directives, viewing them as romantic rather than controlling.

At home, Olivia thinks about how sequential hermaphroditism is common in nature: Animals of some species sometimes change sexes, usually when it’s beneficial for the continuation of their species. She never thought about this in the context of people before, because she had the luxury of never needing to. Olivia thinks about Elizabeth, the only trans person she knows. When she first heard about Elizabeth’s transition, she only wondered why people didn’t make peace with their bodies instead of subjecting them to surgery.

Olivia heads to Edgar’s to talk to Elizabeth, who initially rebuffs her but then gives her the benefit of the doubt. Elizabeth knows what it’s like to have unfair assumptions made about her. She talks to Olivia about what it means to be trans, and the different ways that people express gender, from cross-dressing to identifying as non-binary. She discusses the kind of violence faced by trans women, especially those of color, and how many of them are killed every year by people who supposedly loved them; Olivia thinks of Braden. Elizabeth explains how Lily’s choosing to keep her trans identity private is a function of being at risk of violence as a trans person.

Six weeks before Lily’s death, Asher picks her up for a date. As Lily leaves, Ava is watching a video that she shot in the wild of two lynxes fighting violently before they make up. Likewise, Asher has been extra attentive to Lily for the past couple weeks to make up for the burst of possessiveness he displayed at a recent fencing match. He takes Lily to Massachusetts to meet Braden, confiding in Lily that he secretly meets Braden once a month at a Chili’s outside town. Olivia doesn’t know about this because Braden and she parted on bad terms and she doesn’t want Asher to have any contact with Braden. However, Asher found Braden on Facebook and reconnected with him. Lily is glad that Asher found his father, though she doesn’t want to talk about hers, whom Asher thinks is dead.

Upon meeting Braden, Lily sees through his smoothness right away, though Asher seems proud of Braden’s charm. Lily witnesses an intimate exchange between Braden and the waitress serving them and later asks Asher if Braden cheated on Olivia. Asher confesses that Braden used to beat Olivia. When Lily asks why Braden never introduced Asher to his half-brothers, Asher gets angry and begins driving extremely fast. He doesn’t slow down even when Lily yells: “He looks at [her] with a wild smile, like he is actually enjoying the fact that [she’s] frightened. […] Asher has suddenly turned into a stranger” (251). When Lily tries to grab the wheel, Asher flings her back; she hits her shoulder and knows it’ll bruise. Asher finally brakes to a stop, and Lily yells that she doesn’t recognize him.

Later that night, Asher climbs into Lily’s room, bringing flowers and an apology. Lily’s look when she said she didn’t recognize him reminded Asher of a similar look on his mother’s face. Asher confesses his worries that he’s a lot like Braden. Lily confides in Asher about her death-by-suicide attempt, only revealing that it happened after a Valentine’s Day dance, when she was publicly hurt by people she thought were her friends. In addition, she reveals that she changed her name: She dropped her father’s surname, O’Meara, and adopted Ava’s maiden name. Asher and Lily almost have sex, but Asher asks her to wait, as he wants to do it the right way. A week later, he takes her to the treehouse, which he has decorated with candles, chocolates, and music. The two have sex for the first time, but afterward, Lily remembers how she was assaulted two years earlier at the Valentine’s Day dance and begins to have second thoughts. She leaves, and Asher is distraught.

At different points in the chapter, Lily recalls the Valentine’s Day dance. Lily came out to her friend, Sorel, some months earlier. Sorel called Lily brave but then outed her to everyone else at school. Lily had assumed Jonah, her boyfriend, would never speak to her again after he found out about her, but he apologized and asked her to the Valentine’s Day dance.

At the dance, Sorel came up to Lily and warned her to leave, but Lily ignored her. Jonah gave Lily a spiked drink before disappearing and reappearing at the announcement of the Valentine’s King and Queen. He led her up to the stage for the announcement of the winners, and an initially elated Lily suddenly realized that she was being crowned Valentine’s King AND Queen. The song “Dude (Looks Like a Lady)” began playing as Lily ran offstage, crying, into the parking lot outside. There, boys from the school hockey team, whom she had once been friends with, grabbed her. They striped her naked, waist down, and threw her onto the ground, and all of them, including Jonah, laughed at her. Sorel found her later and took her home, apologizing for having been unable to stop the boys.

Ava, who hadn’t heard what happened, left for work as usual the next morning, and a despondent Lily attempted death by suicide. After she was taken to the hospital, she began to heal with the help of a social worker. Lily decided to finish 11th grade by homeschooling. Over time, her wrist healed and she began playing the cello again, and three months after her attempt, Ava, who had thus far opposed Lily’s having the surgery, finally told Lily she could have it.