Klawde: Evil Alien Warlord Cat

Alone at the house, Klawde starts to plan his escape, but when he is stymied by doors that require opposable thumbs, he takes a nap instead. When he wakes up, he is hungry. Instead of eating the food that the humans have provided, he gets into the fridge and eats some cheese, drinks the milk, and tries an egg. The egg is even worse than the cat food, so Klawde “vomit[s] into one of the ogres’ foot coverings” (52).

At camp, Turkey Vulture gives a welcome speech, expanding on the importance of living alongside nature. Turkey Vulture is horrified to learn that Raj brought his phone and forces him to leave it in a basket in his cabin. As the group enters the trees, Turkey Vulture tells Raj, “The stench of civilization is strong on you” (58), which Raj takes as a compliment even though it isn’t.

After another nap, Klawde resumes his search for a way to escape Earth. He discovers that human technology is rather useless, as it is mainly designed to create light or heat. After taking another nap in a box, he drags the microwave to his litterbox and starts to dismantle it, reasoning that he can use it to build a weapon. He also discovers that the litterbox is meant for him to relieve himself, but he refuses, using the toilet instead so that the humans cannot collect fecal samples. After all this, the humans have still not returned, and Klawde fears that “the battle had gone poorly for them” (63).

Raj’s first day of camp is terrible, but his mom refuses to let him stop going to camp. As Raj helps his dad to search for the microwave, he hears clanking from the basement and finds Klawde standing by the litterbox, looking guilty. Raj assures the cat that there is nothing to be ashamed of, but when he goes to clean the litterbox, Klawde swipes his hand away. Raj backs off, telling Klawde that he understands. He says, “I don’t like it when my parents come into my room, either” (66).

Klawde spends the evening observing the humans and concludes that they are neither warriors nor “the best examples of their species” (69). Klawde decides that he must escape and find stronger humans.

At camp, Raj gets lost in the woods and stumbles back to the group just in time for a lecture about how birds don’t sing near houses because they fear cats. Turkey Vulture proclaims that cats are the only beings that are more destructive than humans, and Raj thinks, “Klawde—evil? Now that was ridiculous” (73).

The next day, Klawde figures out how to open the front door and searches the neighborhood for cats who will know how to find better humans. He finds a cat at a home that has a door designed specifically for cats. When he tries to enter the home, he cannot get the door to work and wonders if it needs a retinal scan, concluding, “This was sophisticated technology indeed” (76). When the resident cat finally comes outside again, Klawde greets her, only for the cat to respond with “mrow.”

At camp, Turkey Vulture tasks the campers with foraging for lunch. When Raj finds bugs under a rock, Turkey Vulture proclaims that bugs are a necessary part of the survival diet. He then eats some, and Raj thinks, “If this was survival, I’d rather die of starvation” (79). The camp will culminate with a Survival Night, and Raj ends up on a team with Cedar and a boy named Steve. When Turkey Vulture asks a boy named Scorpion why he chose his name if scorpions aren’t native to the area, Raj answers, excited to know where scorpions live. His new team high-fives him, but Scorpion glares.

Klawde approaches another cat, who arches his back and hisses in what Klawde recognizes as Lyttyrboks’s assassin pose. Unfortunately, this cat also only says “mrow,” and Klawde concludes that Earth cats “had become even more stupid than the Humans” (83). Klawde gives up on seeking help from cats and decides to learn what he needs by infiltrating the humans’ brains.

The next day at camp, Turkey Vulture instructs the campers to catch, gut, and prepare fish to eat. Raj gets out of this because he is a vegetarian. Still, the day is exhausting. Raj takes a nap at home and awakens to find Klawde digging claws into Raj’s scalp. Klawde meows, which Raj thinks is adorable even though the cat’s claws are painful.