In the Country We Love: My Family Divided

“From the time [Mami and Papi] arrived from Colombia, they accepted the sort of low-wage, under-the-table jobs that make some people turn up their noses. Scrubbing toilets. Painting houses. Mowing lawns. Mopping floors. My dad, Hector, left for his shift as a restaurant dishwasher well before sunrise; at noon, he traded his kitchen apron for a factory uniform. Monday through Friday and sometimes on weekends, my father clocked in. It's how he made ends meet. My mother, Maria, was home more with Eric and me, but she also did everything from babysitting to cleaning hotels and office buildings.” 

This passage serves two functions: First, it presents Guerrero’s parents in a positive light as hardworking contributors to American society. Second, it provides a glimpse into the lives of many immigrants to the US, regardless of their legal status. Guerrero's parents did manual work in industries that rely heavily on under-the-table labor, including construction, restaurants, and hotels. By drawing attention to her parents’ jobs, Guerrero calls out these industries and their exploitation of the undocumented. This passage thus serves as a reminder of the complicity of Americans in illegal immigration to the US. Citizens reap the benefits of immigrant labor, while the undocumented toil in grueling industries that cannot function without them.

“[I]n immigrant communities all over the globe, celebrating is part of the culture. It’s a survival mechanism. When your relatives are thousands of miles away, you make up for it by connecting with others who speak your language. Eat your food. Love your music. Understand your traditions. Our neighbors weren’t only our neighbors; they were our extended family.” 

Ethnicity, identity, and family play key roles in Guerrero’s memoir. Although the author is US-born, she identifies strongly with her Colombian roots. Like other first-generation Americans, she maintains a connection to her parents’ homeland by celebrating with neighbors who share her culture, and who treat her like family. This quote is significant because it testifies to the close bonds that exist in certain immigrant communities. These relationships prompt two families to care for Guerrero after her parents’ deportation.

“Truth is, among low-wage earners busting their tails to make the rent, one’s feelings are seldom discussed or acknowledged. Emotional wellness is a First World luxury.” 

Poverty and illegal immigration go hand-in-hand. In this passage, Guerrero recalls her brother’s mental health struggles and her parents’ inability to pay for counseling. Access to quality medical care is largely restricted to the privileged in the US, while the poor and disenfranchised are badly serviced. The quote also gestures to the difficulties some communities have discussing mental health, and thus, seeking proper treatment.

“Never had I missed my mother more than I did in that moment.” 

The division of families is a common outcome of current immigration policies, which favor mass deportations. The impact of family separation can be particularly harmful for children. In this quote, Guerrero recalls going through puberty without the support of her mother. Mami’s absence also marks other events in Guerrero’s life, both major and minor, which leads to feelings of abandonment.  

“When you’re undocumented in the United States, you don’t get a pass under the heading of ‘youthful indiscretion.’”

This quote calls attention to privilege (and the lack thereof) as it relates to policing and the criminal justice system. Authorities arrested Guerrero’s brother for fighting with three men. His deal with the prosecution involved pleading guilty to stalking, a misdemeanor in most circumstances, but a felony in immigration law. For many US citizens, particularly the white and affluent, this incident would have been dismissed as a youthful indiscretion. For an undocumented young man like Eric, however, it was grounds for automatic deportation, costing him his chance at citizenship. 

“When you’re back at the starting line of a race you have no reason to think you’ll complete, there isn’t much to talk about.” 

Feelings of powerlessness are common in undocumented communities. Guerrero’s parents fell prey to a con artist who posed as a Harvard-educated immigration attorney. The man disappeared with their life’s savings, leaving the family worse off than ever before. The incident left a deep mark on Guerrero and Papi, both of whom refused to discuss the incident. Fearing deportation, families like Guerrero’s have little recourse when they fall victim to crime.

“For me, this was more than a tryout. It was potentially my big break. I felt if I attended any other public school, I’d fall through the cracks, or I’d crack out.” 

Many children feel pressured to succeed academically, but the stakes are particularly high for the poor. Lacking other good educational options, getting into BAA was essential for Guerrero. The alternatives were underfunded public schools with high dropout rates and disadvantaged students who acted out. Guerrero’s successful audition at BAA started her on a path to professional acting, though that path was by no means linear or free of setbacks.

“Life does that to us. Deep down, we know what may come to pass, but we hope that what we dread can be permanently put off. We convince ourselves it may never occur, because if it were going to, it would've already. Then without warning, reality socks us in the face and we realize how foolish it was to believe we'd been spared. And however many years we spent agonizing about what tragedy may come, the sting is no less severe when it does.” 

Denial was a central part of Guerrero’s childhood. The belief that her family would be spared made the reality of deportation all the more jarring. Nothing can prepare a child for the trauma of separation from his or her parents. Likewise, nothing can prepare deportees for the reality of being torn from their loved ones, and from their homes.

“Through mile after mile of freeway, I recalled the years my family had spent worrying about this day, the energy we’d expended fearing my parents’ arrest. I now wished we’d set aside the anxiety, refused to let it invade our every interaction, fully enjoyed one another’s presence. Instead, we’d allowed ourselves to be robbed twice. We’d trudged through our days with our stomachs in knots, our lives on hold, our hearts in our throats—and yet our worry hadn’t changed the outcome.” 

This quote addresses the unremitting anxiety undocumented immigrants experience on a daily basis. Fear and stress aren’t restricted to the moment of deportation. Rather, they are a near-constant part of life that might be set aside momentarily, but never entirely forgotten. Guerrero regrets allowing anxiety to permeate her childhood. Fearing her parents’ deportation colored all their interactions, without changing the results. 

“With all of my heart, I wanted to reverse time. Rewind the months. Go back to those days, warm and innocent, when I felt safe. When the smell of Mami’s freshly cooked rice and plantains greeted me at our front door. When the sound of Papi’s laughter made me feel like the most precious girl in the world. When everything still made sense. But I couldn’t go back.”

In this passage, Guerrero describes her nostalgia for a time when her family was still intact. She yearns for simple things that many take for granted: her mother’s home cooking, her father’s love. The deportation of Guerrero’s parents marks the end of childhood as she knew it, and of her innocence. Going forward, she has to shoulder adult responsibilities and, with the help of family friends, fend for herself.

“Following any loss, there comes a moment when you shift from mourning; if you continued to linger in the grief, you couldn’t function. So a little at a time, you create a so-called new normal, although there’s nothing normal about it. With a gaping hole in your life, you move on. And it’s impossible to do that if you keep peeking over your shoulder. I needed to look ahead.” 

Guerrero’s resilience is on display for much of the memoir. She presents herself as a fearful girl who blossoms into a confident actress and tireless immigration advocate. This quote describes the moment Guerrero decided to stop dwelling on her misfortunes and look to the future. Her choices were to live in the sadness of the past, or to move forward stronger than she was before.

“[T]his is the truth: I was sick of all the changes. I wanted one thing in my life to be steady for longer than five minutes. I craved stability.” 

This passage addresses the instability Guerrero experienced as the child of undocumented parents, shuttled from one friend’s house to another after her parents’ deportation. These friends treated her with compassion and generosity, but they did not provide the constancy of a family. Guerrero lacked stability even before her parents’ deportation, with the family moving every time their landlords raised the rent. 

“I wasn’t simply reading, I was also carving out a belief system. An identity.” 

College was an exploratory experience for Guerrero, but she struggled to find her footing. Coursework exposed her to wide-ranging texts in classical philosophy and political theory, which she internalized and reevaluated after each new assignment. Her quest to assert her identity as a Latina, a woman, and a Millennial led to angry confrontations with classmates, none of whom knew the truth about her family’s circumstances. In contrast to her peers, who approached college as a period of self-actualization, Guerrero floundered, keeping her family history, financial hardships, and emotional scars to herself. Shame prompted Guerrero to hide the truth, writing her memoir exposed it.

“We don't do all of our growing up between birth and adolescence or even our twenties. If we're fortunate, we never stop.” 

Years after deportation, Guerrero’s mother moved past her anger and grief, reaching the point of acceptance. Life did not turn out as Mami hoped, but like Guerrero, she resigned herself to her new reality, which was an important first step to moving forward.

“It wasn’t time for me to go. Not like this.”

Guerrero’s suicide attempt marks a turning point in her life. She was in a downward spiral before finding herself on the roof of her building. School was going badly, she had a problem with alcohol, she harmed herself, and she was in debt. Her intention that night was to jump. Only when the decision was almost taken from her did she reconsider. Thoughts of her parents and all they had sacrificed flooded her mind. She made the decision to live, not for herself, but for them.

“In between pouring cocktails, we’d get up on the tables or stage and dance to entertain the crowd. If you’d asked me then whether I was having fun, the answer would’ve been yes. Definitely. One hundred and fifty percent. But that’s because I was so super-drunk that I had no true awareness of what I felt.”

Guerrero experienced severe depression during college. She coped with her pain in varied ways, including drinking to the point of oblivion. The incident described in this quote occurred after Guerrero began therapy sessions with Lorraine. It demonstrates that the road to recovery for depressives is not only long and difficult, but also peppered with setbacks.   

“Our passions don't just compel us; they can also heal us.” 

Guerrero’s drive to become an actress directed her focus outward and forward, helping her overcome her personal tragedy. Through acting classes, and in particular improv, Guerrero not only found the freedom to be herself, she also found happiness. In short, this passage highlights the author’s resilience. Although adversity is inevitable, it does not have to define you. 

“The journey I’d taken, even the most heart-wrenching parts, began to shape me as an artist and as a person. And as I let go of some of the judgments I had about my past, I also became less critical of my own work. When you put something out there it’s not about deciding whether it’s good or bad. It’s about creating it, and then letting it go with the hope that others take some light or inspiration from it.”

Self-acceptance was a long-time coming for Guerrero. Shame prompted her hold back from her peers in school. By contrast, acting allowed her both to tap into her childhood experiences and to share them openly. Performing became an outlet she hoped would help others. Similarly, her memoir seeks to destigmatize, and therefore help, the undocumented.

“‘What is blocking you?’ Marishka would ask, prodding us during our exercises. ‘What walls do you still have up?’” 

Acting classes had a profound impact on Guerrero. They set her on a new career path, they brought her confidence and happiness, they allowed her to make new friends, and, most important within the context of this quote, they prompted her to mend the rift with her mother. Guerrero’s resentment toward her mother grew over the years. She blamed Mami for carelessly placing a target on their backs. She also felt abandoned by her mother. Every wall Guerrero erected stemmed from her family’s breakup. Marishka’s probing questions made her realize that to move forward, she first had to connect with the woman who gave her life.

“The day you finally start dealing with your past is the day you stop dragging it into the present.” 

This quote focuses on resilience, one of the book’s central themes. Guerrero’s past weighed on her throughout young adulthood. By addressing her grief and shame, she began the process of healing and, ultimately, she put the past behind her. 

“Any cause worth taking up requires courage. And you can't wait until you're feeling bold to act; if we did, most of us would never do anything. You have a step out in spite of the fact that you feel scared. And I often do.”

This passage focuses on courage. Guerrero had a lot to lose by exposing her family history. As a public figure, she opened herself to the vitriol surrounding current debates about undocumented immigrants. Despite the potential for personal and professional backlash, Guerrero forged ahead with her memoir and, in doing so, she put a human face on the issue of illegal immigration. 

“I wish I could tell you my story has a perfect ending; such a finale exists only in the make-believe worlds of my childhood. Even in the best of times, life is a mixed bag of disappointments and triumphs, heartaches and highs. Life hands out all of the above, and we don’t get to pick how many of each we’ll get, or in what order they’ll show up. But we do get to choose how we’ll walk through our days. Whether we’ll cower under our covers every morning, or rise up and take on the challenges.” 

Guerrero describes meeting life’s challenges head-on, rather than allowing them to overwhelm her. This message of personal fortitude runs through much of the memoir. Guerrero’s resilience paid off: She overcame personal hardships and achieved professional success. Her celebrity, combined with her relatability and knowledge, make her an effective ambassador for undocumented immigrants.

“It also wasn’t ‘fair’ for our ancestors to roll up and take land from the Native Americans, but I don’t hear too many folks complaining about the benefits we enjoy because they did. Neither was it fair for our forefathers to import slaves to toil in their cotton fields; plantation owners built this nation’s wealth by degrading blacks, a group once declared only three-fifths human by Congress. So-called fairness has seldom been this country’s primary compass in determining the best action to take. So instead of arguing about whether immigrants should be here, let’s focus on creating a plan that actually moves us forward: immigration reform.”

This passage offers a rebuttal to critics of immigration reform, who argue that the path to citizenship should only be for those who enter the country legally. The argument rests largely on the concept of fairness: Those who follow the rules are deserving of citizenship, while those who cheat the system deserve nothing. Guerrero points to the hypocrisy of the argument, while also stressing the need to implement change. Her book is more than a simple memoir. It is also a call for community involvement and policy change.