I'm Glad My Mom Died

Jennette and her mother seek out a “thank you” gift for Miranda at the mall. Jennette’s mother suggests a stuffed panda and a fuzzy journal, and Jennette privately feels anxiety about the gift not meeting Miranda’s standards. Not only was her gift to Jennette expensive, but Miranda seems cool, independent, and interesting on the set of iCarly, and Jennette wants to be her friend. Despite this, Jennette knows her mother would not approve of her being friends with Miranda, as Miranda is not religious and curses on set. Miranda and Jennette have been slowly getting to know each other, and exchanged AIM screennames so that they could chat online. Despite Jennette’s fears, Miranda warmly thanks her for the gifts and continues to extend her friendship.

Jennette is in a bathing suit costume fitting with her mother and the wardrobe designer present. Jennette feels humiliated and would much rather wear a one piece or board shorts but was instructed to wear a bikini by “The Creator.” Jennette has only met The Creator a few times but knows his reputation as a short-fused, difficult person who is not to be crossed. Being in a bikini makes Jennette think about her developing body and the idea of it being viewed sexually, which she finds shameful and embarrassing.

Jennette has her first kiss for an episode with her co-star, Nathan. As The Creator angrily instructs Jennette to move around more as they film the kiss, Jennette thinks about her discomfort. Not only is the vulnerability of a first kiss happening on screen, but Jennette is alienated from any romantic side of herself. She is detached from her maturing body, and her mother has impressed upon her the unreliability of men and the importance of her career. As she kisses her coworker, she wonders if this would feel different if she were in love, or if she is missing some other piece that would make this special or enjoyable. The Creator demands that they redo the scene with more movement. The physical sensation and mechanical nature of the kiss disgusts Jennette, and she remarks how it feels disgusting to be human (181). Eventually, they stop filming, and Jennette thinks about how she not only just had her first kiss; she had her third, fourth, and seventh.

Jennette and her mother meet The Creator for a lunch meeting. Her mother thinks that this may be when he offers her a spin-off show, which he does often with popular characters. Her mother is excited: “She does well when she has something in my life to look forward to” (183). When they get to the lunch, The Creator flatters Jennette with compliments and affirmations of a great acting career ahead. Jennette’s mother’s “face looks like it’s gonna rip if she smiles any bigger” (184), but Jennette’s feelings are more complex. The Creator’s approval is very important to her, as she knows that she owes her family’s livelihood to him.

She also suspects that he compliments all his actors this way in order to pit them against each other. She has seen that The Creator has two sides: the charming, courteous, magnetic showrunner, and the cruel, abusive, scary tyrant. She knows she has to be careful and not let anything he says matter too much. He asks Jennette if she likes being recognized, and her mother answers for her in the affirmative. He then tells Jennette that that will happen a lot more, because he wants to give her a spin-off in a few years. Her mother is elated, with tears in her eyes, but Jennette knows that the offer comes with strings, and she needs to keep doing what The Creator wants.