If I Stay

Mia contemplates the lyrics of her father’s song, “Waiting for Vengeance”. The words “I’m not choosing…but I’m running out of fight” (193) particularly resonate with Mia, in fact, they so closely mirror her own existential crisis that she almost wonders if they are a secret message from her father. She considers what choice her parents would have wanted her to make. While her mom would have been livid at the thought of Mia choosing to leave the world behind, she suspects that her father, like her grandfather, would have understood “what it meant to run out of fight” (194). 

Mia appears to be leaning towards letting go of life as she hums the words to her father’s song. Just as she seems to have decided her fate, she hears Adam out in the hallway, sobbing as he talks to Nurse Ramirez; he is consumed by grief and self-blame. 

When Adam finally enters Mia’s room, he blanches at the sight of her injuries, but then composes himself and warms her cold hands in his. While he warms her hands, he repeats the word “please” again and again, finally imploring Mia not to “write a song” (198). 

The fact that Adam had never written a song was a sore subject in their relationship. While Mia wanted him to write her a song, he professed that he was incapable of writing “the sappy love song” (199). This used to be something they would fight about and the memory of their petty disagreements sparks a memory of the one substantial conflict in their relationship: Mia’s potential acceptance into Julliard.

Not wanting to spoil a beautiful relationship, Mia initially lies about her Julliard audition, telling Adam that she did “okay”, when in fact she gave the performance of her life. Getting into Julliard would send Mia to New York City, while Adam’s band, Shooting Star, is based in the Pacific Northwest. Because of the distance involved, Mia’s acceptance to Julliard is a frightening prospect that would put the strength of their relationship to the test. While Mia wants to avoid this upsetting topic for as long as possible, she feels guilty and unsettled for lying to Adam. 

She eventually decides to tell him the truth: he is both elated at her accomplishment and disappointed that she downplayed her success. When he offers to take her somewhere special to celebrate, they quickly realize that their schedules are both full with music obligations. This realization that their life pursuits and choices are beginning to create distance between them is a painful one. 

Adam has already graduated from high school and his band has been offered a record deal by a company in Seattle. With his band taking off and Mia training to launch her own career as a cellist, their lives are growing more and more hectic and complicated. Though they joke about his band relocating to New York, and about her pursuing a music program at a local university, they know that these options are unlikely and unrealistic. 

Mia remembers a New Year’s Eve Party the two had attended a few weeks before. Adam had kissed her passionately at midnight and made her promise that they would spend the next New Year’s together too. She promises him that they will, hoping that it will be true.

She arrives home at 8 A.M. to find her family and Henry having a breakfast of salmon hash, her father’s specialty. Teddy shouts enthusiastically that he stayed up until midnight and saw the ball drop in New York City, and talk of New York sparks Mia’s internal conflict over leaving Adam behind for Julliard. 

Mia’s mother, seeing that Mia is tired and withdrawn, orders everyone out of the kitchen so she can talk to her privately. They wash dishes together and Mia reveals the potential separation that has been troubling her and the notion that music is literally driving them apart. 

Mia’s mother challenges this idea, reminding Mia that all relationships are difficult and that music is actually the thing that brought her and Adam together. Although Mia agonizes over her choice, her mother puts it into perspective, reminding her that whether she follows her “music love” (211) or her “Adam love” (211) she is following love and that either choice is both a win and a loss. Ultimately, Mia decides she will go to Julliard if she is accepted, a choice that prompts Adam’s first attempt to write a song dedicated to her.

Adam leaves the ICU on an unknown errand and Kim reappears looking tired and disheveled. Kim recaps the evening’s dramatic events. While Mia already knows everything that’s happened, the way Kim talks to her brings her great comfort. She wants to remember Kim exactly as she is right now. Adam is a different story, as remembering him now would be like losing him all over again. 

In addition to recapping the night’s events, Kim lists all the friends and family members who have come to support Mia at the hospital, including Professor Christie. Kim reminds her that while she lost her mom, dad, and brother, the twenty people in the waiting room are “all her family” (220). 

Mia recalls a family Labor Day barbecue with her mom, dad, Teddy, and about twenty friends during an Oregon heat wave. They celebrated until dark, sharing great food, drink and music. At one point during the barbecue, her father and Adam convince her to join their guitars with her cello, and, for the first time, she actually plays music with her friends and family.

It is early in the morning, nearly 24 hours after Mia ate breakfast with her family. Mia continues to be treated and cared for by a devoted group of nurses and hospital staff. While she appreciates their care, she feels a shred of guilt as she has decided to let go and leave life behind. 

Though she has made this decision, there is still something delaying this choice: Adam. She promised herself that she would wait until he returned and she plans to keep that promise. 

Adam’s first word to Mia when he arrives is simple and powerful: “Stay,” he pleads. Though he acknowledges all the legitimate reasons Mia has for going—most notably the death of her family—he insists that there is still much to stay and live for.  He tells her that if she stays, he “will let her go” (231). 

Adam concludes his appeal, not with words, but with music. He places headphones over her ears and she can suddenly hear Yo-Yo Ma playing “Andante con moto e poco rubato” and the music triggers a flurry of joyful memories and moments spent with her mom, dad, and Teddy and images of what her life could still be, including a walk through New York City with Kim and holding hands with Adam next to a riverbank. These images of what was and what might be flood her mind with crescendo-like speed and force until she feels, for the first time, the full depth and breadth of the pain she will have to endure should she choose to live.

Just as she feels the full intensity of this pain, she also feels Adam’s hand touching hers. This touch and all it represents serves as a powerful counterpoint to the pain of her loss. While her pain and suffering threaten to overwhelm and destroy her, she focuses on Adam’s hand holding her own, and with all her remaining strength, love, and will power, she squeezes his hand. 

When he squeezes her hand back, she can truly hear his breathing for the first time since the accident, and while the novel ends with Adam’s question—“Mia?” (234)—her heightened sensory consciousness suggests that Mia is finally awakening from her coma, and has made the decision to stay and live on.