If He Had Been with Me

As winter settles in, Autumn finds herself struggling with the winter blues. She sleeps all afternoon and has trouble sleeping at night. She has writer’s block. Her father is not around a lot and her mother spends a lot of time at Angelina’s.

Autumn’s mother takes Autumn to see a psychiatrist, Dr. Singh. Autumn is uncooperative, but admits to Dr. Singh that she feels sad most days. Dr. Singh tells her that she does not have to be sad, and gives her a prescription for antidepressants. In a few weeks, she begins to feel better.

As Autumn dyes Sasha’s hair blond and blue, they talk about Alex. Sasha says she’d like to get back with him. Autumn calls Jamie and convinces him to talk Alex into breaking up with his current girlfriend, Trina. Jamie agrees, but he expresses doubts that Sasha and Alex should be together. By the following Monday, Sasha and Alex are back together.

Autumn is asleep when her phone rings. She answers and hears strangers on the other end. They hang up and a moment later, Finny calls and explains he’s at a party and some boys stole his phone. The incident reminds Autumn of the time when she and Finny were young and would talk to each other from their adjacent bedrooms with a can on a string.

Jamie asks Autumn to be intimate with him. Autumn tells him she wants her first time to be special, and that she wants to wait until after graduation. Jamie agrees.

Autumn’s mother becomes so deeply depressed that Angelina has to call the doctor. Autumn is concerned that her mother will have to go back into the hospital. Autumn’s father rushes home and Angelina tries to console Autumn.

Autumn’s mother is in the hospital and her dad is on a business trip, so she has the house to herself. Her friends come over and drink rum and Coke. As they all become drunk, Alex plays with Sasha’s hair and Jamie licks Autumn’s arm. Autumn goes upstairs to clean her arm and climbs into the dry bathtub. She calls Finny to ask if he’ll go with her to visit her mother the following day. He agrees, but makes her promise to drink water and to not have sex with Jamie. She agrees, telling him she won’t have sex until after graduation.

Autumn goes to the library to get a book to read on a road trip to Springfield but discovers she has read every novel the library has to offer. She decides to get The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Jamie is annoyed with Autumn for choosing Springfield because of its creative writing major and not pursuing a teaching certificate. He has decided to go to a different college, meaning they’ll be separated.

Angelina, Autumn, Autumn’s mom, and Finny all drive to Springfield for a campus tour. For a moment, Finny and Autumn are alone by the fountain and the mothers take a picture of them. Both Finny and Autumn love the campus. On the way home, Finny drives and the mothers reminiscence about Autumn and Finny’s first day of school.

August 8, the date of Finny’s death, comes and goes. Autumn wonders if Finny felt something, or if she did and didn’t notice.

Autumn begins her senior year with mostly English classes. She also has a physical education class, a general class she is surprised Finny is taking as well. They agree to be partners.

Angie shares the news that she and Dave had sex. She admits that it wasn’t planned and they didn’t use protection, but because it was the first time, she doesn’t think there will be consequences. When Autumn tells Jamie about it and how she doesn’t want to lose her virginity in a car, he promises to get a hotel room.

Finny and Autumn discuss Finny’s upcoming birthday as they play badminton in their gym class. As class ends, Finny invites Autumn to his party, but she turns him down because of the divide between their friends.

As Autumn and her friends discuss their upcoming Halloween plans, Angie announces she’s pregnant. She and Dave are excited.

Autumn tells Finny she’s going to have a Halloween party the weekend her parents plan to be out of town. She asks him to attend so that Angelina will be less likely to closely monitor the party or tell Autumn’s parents. Finny agrees. Autumn tells her friends that Finny will be at the party and they are all impressed.

In creative writing class, Autumn writes about a night in eighth grade when Finny kissed her. They were still friends at the time and Autumn was part of Alexis’s friend group. On New Year’s Eve, they were going inside after watching fireworks when Finny grabbed Autumn and kissed her. She didn’t understand why he did it, and they stopped being friends soon after.

At Autumn’s Halloween party, Jamie charms Sylvie. Angie announces that she and Dave are going to get married. Autumn accidentally bumps into Finny and spills wine on him. She takes him and Sylvie into the kitchen to clean him up. Noah makes Finny a drink. They return to the living room. Autumn ducks under the rope they placed at the bottom of the stairs to keep everyone from going up. Finny makes her promise she won’t have sex with Jamie. She agrees.