If He Had Been with Me

The narration jumps back in time. Finny Smith is the son of Angelina Smith, Autumn’s next-door neighbor and mother’s best friend. Finny’s father is not a part of his life because Finny is the result of a brief affair. Autumn and Finny were born in September, a week apart. Autumn is quirky and odd, causing her to have few friends. She wants to be a writer. Finny was her closet friend all through elementary school, but they grew apart the year before high school.

On the first day of high school, Autumn stands alone at the bus stop. She reflects on how she was one of the popular girls in eighth grade. She and Finny had different classes and studied separately, slowly ending their relationship. This ended her association with she and Finny’s shared friends. She begins a clique of her own with her friend, Sasha.

For the first few days of ninth grade, Autumn and Sasha are alone, eating their lunch on a set of steps they call the “Steps to Nowhere” (12), which lead from the school courtyard to an overgrown field. They are soon joined by another girl, Brooke; her boyfriend, Noah; and her cousin Jamie. Pretty soon they have a decent sized group of friends. Sasha and Autumn both flirt with Jamie, but Jamie chooses Autumn.

The first time Autumn invites Jamie to her home, he calls it “so perfect,” remarking on the décor her mother designed. They are kissing on Autumn’s bed when Finny lets himself in through the back door to borrow eggs for his mom. Jamie is surprised to learn Autumn knows Finn Smith; Autumn has to explain how they are neighbors and their mothers are friends. Jamie comments on how it seems Autumn should be one of Finny’s friend group, part of the popular girls. During a make-out session, Jamie tells Autumn he loves her, but she is not ready to say it back.

Autumn and Sasha are at the mall with Sasha’s doll from her Family Science class. The doll keeps crying, causing the store clerk to question their age. Autumn buys a tiara, and the girls meet up with Jamie and Alex, Sasha’s boyfriend, and attend a movie. The baby cries during the movie, making the girls laugh.

On Christmas Eve, Finny asks Autumn about the tiara she is wearing, and she becomes annoyed because everyone at school has been asking as well. Dinner is awkward because Autumn and Finny are no longer friends.

Autumn thinks back to the Christmas when she and Finny were twelve, the best Christmas Autumn believes they’d had, when they went down to the creek and stomped through the ice on the shallow edge. Autumn’s father notices the tiara for the first time and teases her, suggesting she’s the Sugar Plum Fairy. Autumn leaves the dinner table in annoyance that her father didn’t notice the tiara the past few months she had been wearing it. Finny comes to get her after dinner, and they go to watch a movie with their mothers.

Autumn holds a New Year’s Eve party at her house with her friends. They watch a movie and eat pizza. The boys make jokes, competing to see who can make the girls laugh most. They go out on the front lawn to bang pans at the stroke of midnight. Autumn is sure to get a kiss from Jamie exactly at midnight.

She is surprised to glance over toward Finny’s house and see him on the front lawn with his girlfriend, Sylvie, and a few of their friends. Autumn’s friends call out how they have champagne waiting in the house, which they stole from their parents. Autumn thinks this makes her party better than Finny’s. Autumn’s friends are surprised to have seen Finny and ask about his friendship with Autumn, a subject she reflects on. The boys go home, and the girls settle in the living room. Autumn’s parents come home arguing.

As winter descends, Autumn stands at the bus stop each morning with Sylvie and Finny, something she finds uncomfortable. Autumn takes a health class where the teacher talks about sex and sexually transmitted diseases, subjects that are a hot topic between Autumn and her friends. At the same time, Autumn’s relationship with Jamie continues; she finds herself waffling between intense feelings of love and simple affection. On Valentine’s Day, Jamie gives Autumn a promise ring and a new tiara while Finny and Sylvie appear to be fighting.

In mid-March, Autumn forgets her keys at school and is forced to go to Finny’s. Things are awkward between them. When Angelina returns home, she tells Autumn that her mother is having a rough day because her father cancelled on dinner. Autumn recalls a time when her mother was in a psychiatric hospital for depression when she was younger. She remembers how she slept at Angelina’s during that time and Finny slipped into her bedroom to cheer her up. When she tells Jamie about her mother’s mental health condition and the possibility of it being genetic, he promises to always care for her.

Autumn and her friends decide to attend the Spring Fling because no one else ever goes. Brooke reveals that she plans to spend that night with Noah. At the dance, Autumn and Jamie talk about Noah and Brooke. Jamie claims Noah has been bragging about it, but he won’t explain how. On Monday, Brooke tells the girls that she doesn’t feel different, and that it hurt. She also claims to love Noah more.

Autumn’s mother asks Autumn about Sylvie and implies that Angelina doesn’t like her. Autumn doesn’t tell her mother that she’s heard rumors that Sylvie made out with her friend Alexis while the boys in her friend group watched, including Finny, and that she gets drunk often. Instead, she tells her mother that Sylvie is a good student.

On the last day of school, Jamie drags his feet about signing Autumn’s yearbook. He gives it back to her at the end of the day with a note that tells her he loves her and wants to marry her. Autumn’s friend group goes to Jamie’s house because he has a pool. They have a good time, but late in the afternoon, Brooke and Angie hide in the bathroom.

Autumn goes to check on them and discovers that another boy kissed Brooke while they studied for finals. Brooke feels guilty and wants to tell Noah. When Noah comes to check on her, the girls leave them alone to allow her to tell him. Jamie gets angry with Autumn because she won’t tell him what’s happening between Noah and Brooke, but when he learns the truth, he seems okay with it.

Autumn and her friends go to the fair on the Fourth of July. Autumn falls in love with a goat at the petting zoo, but Jamie is annoyed by it and practically drags her away. As they walk off, Autumn looks back and sees Finny petting her goat. Later, Autumn leaves to meet her parents and Angelina at the lake to watch fireworks as is their yearly tradition.

Finny shows up with Sylvie in tow. Sylvie grows restless as they wait, leading to a conversation of how passing time can feel different based on expectations. Autumn recalls a time when her dad brought her and Finny fishing at this lake just as Finny mentions the same memory aloud. Autumn realizes she would like to be alone with either Jamie or Finny, causing her to briefly question her feelings for Finny.

Jamie and Autumn cuddle on his bed as it rains outside. Jamie says he wants to be intimate with Autumn, but she wants her first time to be perfect. Jamie agrees to wait while also promising to never leave her. She says she loves him for the first time.

Sasha and Autumn are at Brooke’s house taking quizzes out of magazines. They come to one about friends wanting more than friendship, and Sasha presses Autumn to take the quiz in regard to Finny. When she’s done, they decide Finny is in love with Autumn, but Autumn denies it, insisting she’s happy with Jamie and Finny is happy with Sylvie.

It’s the first day of their sophomore year and Autumn is waiting at the bus stop. She sees that Finny and Sylvie are holding hands as well as making note of the new kids who have joined them. As conversations strike up around her, Autumn recalls that her father wanted to put her in private school in fourth grade, but she refused because she didn’t want to leave Finny.

Autumn shares her honors English class with Jamie and Sasha—the only class they share because Jamie and Sasha are taking all honors this year—and Finny, Sylvie, and a group of their friends. Autumn quickly bonds with the teacher, Mr. Laughegan, over his taste in literature, and Jamie teases her about it. Later, Jamie is annoyed when Autumn is impressed with a comment Mr. Laughegan made on her paper, suggesting she’s “in love with a teacher” (72).

A few days later Jamie and Autumn celebrate their first anniversary. Jamie gives Autumn a charm bracelet with two charms, a turtle, and a heart. He promises to give her a new charm on each of their anniversaries and special events. On her birthday, Finny pulls her aside in the hall to wish her a happy day. In class, she is allowed to sit at the teacher’s desk and all she can see is Finny. She realizes she loves him, but differently than everyone else.