How to Win Friends and Influence People

Everyone wants to feel appreciated and important. They yearn to be acknowledged for their good qualities—that they’re good at their job, have a lovely family, tell great stories, play an instrument beautifully, can cook gourmet meals, have visited all seven continents, or anything they’re proud of. They also want respect for their importance, be it as a civic leader, a job supervisor, a sports coach, a play director, or simply a crosswalk guard.

What they lack, most of the time, is acknowledgment. Bosses criticize and bark orders; friends and family members take each other for granted; conversations break down into arguments and bitterness. A bit of genuine admiration—a dollop of praise—can work wonders in these situations.

In conversations, people can become impatient to express themselves, and sometimes they interrupt to disagree or to crow about their own importance. People also complain easily about others’ behavior or beliefs. These habits harden others against us. It’s far better to show a genuine interest in those we encounter, listen carefully to them, and find things to compliment them on while de-emphasizing their faults.

Small gestures can make a large difference in the quality of interactions. Simply smiling at others, especially when greeting them, makes people feel appreciated. Learning and saying people’s names works wonders because, as Carnegie points out, “the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together” (73). Encouraging people to talk about their interests gives them an opportunity to express themselves, and they’ll think well of you for it.

People care much more about themselves than about you. If, during interactions at home, at work, and after hours, you accept this deep-seated trait and turn it around by becoming interested in them, you’ll be a rare find, and you’ll be much more popular and influential than if you try to interest them in what makes you important and accomplished.

This basic principle doesn’t require you to abandon your own concerns but simply to take a genuine interest in the other person. The results will be gratifying not only to them but to you, as your enjoyment of other people grows, your satisfaction with social encounters increases, and opportunities open up for you because you’ve become more likable. Both you and those you meet will benefit.

Your sincere appreciation for others will reap gains at home and at work because family members and co-workers will try harder to please you. When they know that you like and admire them, even during episodes of disagreement, they’ll go the extra mile to get along with you because you do the same for them.