How to Win Friends and Influence People

“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”

Humans defend their reputations vigorously; criticism begets, not improvement, but resentment. People aren’t convinced by scolding but by encouragement.

“If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are.” 

Some people get their sense of accomplishment by building great things; others, by being socially prominent; still others, by becoming celebrity criminals. Whatever the means, everyone needs to feel important; their choices in that pursuit help to define them.

“I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally, I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said: ‘Wouldn’t you like to have that?’ Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?” 

We must offer people what they want, not what we want or what we think they should want. Cooperation, sales, and friendships all depend on whether people are getting what they want; finding a way to give that to them is a smooth pathway to success. 

“First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.” 

If we want others to buy from us or otherwise cooperate with us, we must inspire them to want to do so. Urging or threatening people doesn’t work; showing them how they can get what they want will build within them an eager desire for what you offer.

“Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.”

The power of genuine appreciation is so strong that people will go out of their way to be helpful to anyone who demonstrates it. Dogs can’t help but love people; perhaps that’s also true of people themselves when they rise up out of the rubble of resentments and petty grievances to offer the love and respect that so many people wish were universal. 

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” 

A curiosity about and appreciation of others goes a long way toward guaranteeing that you’ll be popular. Showing off and describing your feats and successes may entertain people, but it won’t touch their heart in the same way. When the crowing stops, people go back to sleep. 

“Everybody in the world is seeking happiness—and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.” 

Problems crop up in everyone’s lives, and these can be taken as burdens or as challenging opportunities. The attitude with which we respond to situations comes, not from the situation, but from our hearts and minds. Here, Carnegie argues that you control your own happiness internally. 

“[…] the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it—and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.” 

Remembering correctly someone’s name shows that you take them seriously and regard them as important. They, in turn, will remember you. 

“Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.” 

Other people are interested mainly in their own problems, hopes, and dreams, and only in spare moments do they care about others. To stand out and be appreciated, do the opposite: Take an interest in other people and what they have to say.

“The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.” 

When we acknowledge other people’s accomplishments, we raise ourselves in their esteem. Instead of a competitor who must be dominated, we make ourselves into a friend and ally. 

“I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument—and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right. You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.” 

Arguing puts people on the defensive. No one wants to lose an argument, especially in public, and be humiliated. No one likes to be called wrong or stupid; no one likes to have her beliefs argued against. Winning an argument means losing an ally.

“Nobody in the heavens above or on earth beneath or in the waters under the earth will ever object to your saying: ‘I may be wrong. Let’s examine the facts.’”

Everyone bristles at an argument, but no one objects if you suggest that you might agree with them. This quote speaks to the universality of Carnegie’s principles.

“If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips? Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say—and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized […]” 

Wise words of contrition will unclench the other person’s fist. Aligning, instead of arguing, with the aggrieved party often encourages them to take your side.

“In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing—and keep on emphasizing—the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.” 

When people disagree on important topics, anger and distrust often erupt. Once someone says “no,” pride demands that they defend their position. To start instead with areas of agreement is to anchor the idea of working together to solve problems. Then each issue of contention can be analyzed thoughtfully. 

“If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.” 

When someone has a bone to pick with you, let them express it. Once they have explained fully their position and vented their feelings, they become open to suggestions. In any negotiation, let the other party do most of the talking. Sometimes, they will talk themselves into your position. 

“Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions—and let the other person think out the conclusion?” 

Ideas we prove to ourselves influence us much more strongly than those handed to us by others. Especially with controversial topics, the more we let others find their way to our side, the better we do. It’s better to lure them in than chase them around. 

“If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing—an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own—if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of your career.”

Showing appreciation for others, a major theme of the book, includes appreciating their point of view. The ability to empathize with the other person’s perspective is rare and powerful.

“Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively? Yes? All right. Here it is: ‘I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.’”

When we express our sincere understanding of another’s frustrations, we give them what they want, namely, appreciation. This is what most people argue for in the first place. Giving it puts out the flames of animosity. 

“Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.”

People crave appreciation and understanding; anyone who fulfills those needs becomes popular and influential. Carnegie’s principles emphasize empathy above all else.

“This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.” 

Sometimes it’s better to show than to tell. People respond strongly to strong images, color, and motion. A dramatic representation of an argument avoids the arguing but captures the imagination. 

“It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.” 

Starting with praise lets the listener know she or he is appreciated. The critique that follows, even if it stings, can then be absorbed and put to good use. 

“It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.” 

Our faults make us human and alike, and a confession of mistakes makes words of correction more bearable. This tactic goes along with the concept of having empathy for the purpose of connection.

“We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting!” 

The basic principle of good leadership is to respect one’s followers—to inspire rather than force, to consult rather than insist. Scolding and threats humiliate and anger people; it’s far better to encourage than to force.