How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

In this chapter, the focus shifts to the art of engaging in meaningful conversations as a crucial aspect of truly understanding others. Brooks emphasizes that having good talks is not only challenging but essential for genuine connection. He stresses that being a proficient conversationalist involves more than storytelling or offering insights; it requires ensuring a two-way exchange, which leads people towards mutual understanding.

The author introduces the concept of “looping” (78), where individuals repeat what someone has said to ensure accurate understanding, and sheds light on the importance of active listening. Brooks also explores the “Midwife Model” (79) of conversation, which refers to scenarios where one person takes on a supportive role and assists the other in their process of self-discovery without imposing insights. He draws parallels to the Quaker practice of clearness committees (79), which showcases the power of asking questions that allow individuals to arrive at their own conclusions.

The chapter presents practical advice on conversation techniques, such as treating attention as an on/off switch and being a “loud listener” (75) by actively engaging in the emotions conveyed by the speaker. Brooks underscores the significance of familiarity, asserting that people love to talk about what they know. This advice aligns with social psychology findings, as mentioned by Gus Cooney, regarding the “novelty penalty” (76) when discussing unfamiliar topics.

Additionally, the author encourages embracing pauses in conversations, providing insights from Kate Murphy’s exploration of improv comedians who listen actively and reflect before responding. He recommends finding the “gem statement” (80) at the center of disagreements, which refers to a shared truth underneath the disagreement and says “if you can both return to the gem statement during a conflict, you can keep the relationship between you strong” (80).

Through anecdotes about figures like Arthur Balfour and personal experiences, Brooks refers to the transformative potential of good conversations. The chapter concludes with a reflection on the scarcity of experiences where individuals feel truly listened to, quoting journalist Mónica Guzmán, who works with Braver Angels; “the experience of being listened to all the way on something—until your meaning is completely clear to another human being—is extremely rare in life” (81). Brooks advocates for making such experiences less rare by developing social skills and learning to ask the right questions.

In this chapter, Brooks explores the art of asking the right questions to gain insight into oneself and others. He introduces a friend, David Bradley, who uses a unique method with index cards to help individuals analyze their goals, skills, and daily schedule. Bradley’s questions prompt a reflective examination of one’s life, which provides an analytical framework for problem-solving, reinforcing the book’s theme The Importance of Curiosity in Personal Growth. Brooks emphasizes the significance of questioning in various contexts, drawing from Bradley’s hiring practices, where he seeks individuals with “extreme talent” (84) and a “spirit of generosity” (84).

The chapter delves into the decline of questioning as people age, noting that while children are naturally curious and ask numerous questions, many adults become more reserved and avoid vulnerability. Brooks suggests that questioning is a vital moral practice, a posture of humility and a way to honor others by allowing them to share their unique perspectives. He contrasts good questions, which are open-ended and encourage dialogue, with bad ones that impose judgment, limit responses, or lack specificity.

Brooks shares personal experiences from his journalism career and emphasizes the importance of asking simple yet meaningful questions. He illustrates this with an interview in Moscow during a tumultuous time and a conversation with Condoleezza Rice, showcasing how broad, open-ended questions can lead to valuable insights. The chapter identifies closed questions, vague questions, and those lacking a surrender of power as hindrances to meaningful conversations. Brooks encourages the use of humble questions that invite exploration, such as those beginning with “how did you…,” “What’s it like…,” or “Tell me about…” and “In what ways…” (88).

To enhance the art of questioning, Brooks provides examples of questions that provoke deeper reflections, including “what crossroads are you at?” (90) “what would you do if you weren’t afraid?” (90) and “if you died tonight, what would you regret not doing?” (90). He emphasizes that big questions disrupt daily routines, and prompt individuals to step back and view their lives from a distance. The chapter also features questions from an expert writer on community development and civic engagement, Peter Block and journalist Mónica Guzmán. Brooks argues that society often refrains from asking such questions due to privacy concerns, but he contends that people are more willing to engage in deep conversations than assumed.

Throughout the chapter, Brooks supports his insights with anecdotes, such as the illuminating conversation with a novelist at a party, demonstrating how questions about shared experiences can lead to mutual exploration. Referring to a 2012 study conducted by Harvard neuroscientists, Brooks points out that people frequently derive more satisfaction from sharing information about their own lives than from monetary rewards. This suggests a strong innate desire for self-disclosure and the enjoyment associated with sharing personal experiences and details. Brooks concludes with a reflection on the human mystery, emphasizing the value of living life in the form of a question.