65 pages • 2 hours read
David BrooksHow to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2023A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 1, Chapters 1-4Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 1: “I See You”
Part 1, Chapter 1 Summary: “The Power of Being Seeing”
Content Warning: The book contains discussions on grief, trauma, and mental health, including references to suicide and challenging personal experiences.
In Chapter 1, Brooks reflects on his personal journey from emotional detachment to a more open-hearted and connected way of living. Brooks shares his upbringing in a reserved Jewish family and discusses how the absence of emotional expression resulted in him developing a sense of detachment. He describes how he became a practiced escape artist, avoiding vulnerability and genuine connection with others.
Brooks reflects on pivotal moments in his life, including his college years at the University of Chicago, which he humorously characterizes as a place where “atheist professors teach Jewish students Saint Thomas Aquinas” (4). The author attributes his gradual transformation to becoming a more fully developed human being to various life experiences, such as becoming a father and facing personal challenges. A pivotal moment in his life occurred during a panel discussion at the Public Theater in New York, where he was exposed to a warm and emotionally expressive environment, which prompted him to seek change in his own life.
Brooks acknowledges the importance of social skills in building meaningful connections and asserts that being open-hearted is a prerequisite but not sufficient. He contends that practical knowledge about small, concrete social actions is essential for forming deep friendships and communities. He critiques modern society for lacking guidance on these crucial interpersonal skills and highlights the impact of social media on replacing genuine connection with mere stimulation. Brooks expresses his growing obsession with social skills, particularly the ability to understand and see others deeply. He emphasizes how this foundational skill is crucial for a healthy individual, family, and society, which encapsulates the book’s overall theme of The Significance of Deep and Meaningful Connection.
The author argues that recognizing and understanding others is a powerful creative act with pragmatic, spiritual, and societal implications. He discusses the need for citizens in pluralistic societies to develop the skill of looking across differences and understanding others. Brooks introduces the concepts of Diminishers and Illuminators, individuals who either make others feel small and unseen or shine a light on them, making them feel valued and respected. He encourages readers to reflect on their own tendencies and highlights the importance of developing The Skill of Truly Understanding and Valuing Others. The chapter sets the stage for the book’s main purpose—to help readers develop the art of seeing others and making them feel seen, heard, and understood by drawing on insights from various professions and personal experiences.
Part 1, Chapter 2 Summary: “How Not to See a Person”
The author recounts a personal experience at a bar in Washington, DC, where he observed people seemingly disconnected despite their physical proximity. Brooks reflects on the challenges of truly seeing and understanding others and highlights common obstacles that hinder genuine connection. He identifies several “Diminisher tricks” (19) that impede deep understanding, including egotism, anxiety, naive realism, the lesser-minds problem, objectivism, essentialism, and the static mindset.
The chapter explores the difficulty in overcoming these tendencies and emphasizes the need for cultivating The Skill of Truly Understanding and Valuing Others. Brooks argues that the untrained eye is insufficient and likens it to trying to fly a plane without proper training. He stresses the importance of focusing on the thoughts and emotions of individuals rather than relying on generalizations about groups. The author draws on his own experiences, referencing his previous work, “Bobos in Paradise” (19), where he made generalizations about cultural trends. However, he now expresses a desire to move beyond such broad categorizations and examine the unique complexities of individual lives.
To illustrate the challenges of knowing someone deeply, Brooks shares an anecdote from Vivian Gornick’s memoir, Fierce Attachments (23). The memoir depicts a mother-daughter relationship where despite a lifelong connection, the two women struggle to truly see and understand each other. The story emphasizes that even in cases of deep devotion, one can be loved without being fully known. Brooks underscores the significance of being an “Illuminator”—someone who sees others in their fullness—as a craft that requires skills and a way of life. He introduces cultural concepts such as the Korean term “nunchi” (27) and the German concept of “herzensbildung” (27) to describe the ability to be sensitive to others’ moods and thoughts.
Brooks emphasizes the transformative power of seeing individuals beyond surface judgments and societal stereotypes and encourages readers to become effective Illuminators.
Part 1, Chapter 3 Summary: “Illumination”
Brooks reflects on the power of attention and its significant impact on human connections. Drawing on his experience in Waco, Texas, Brooks introduces LaRue Dorsey, a 93-year-old Black woman, and highlights the transformative effect of attention. Brooks categorizes his interviewing style as that of a student who earnestly seeks to learn from others. The key anecdote involves the entry of Jimmy Dorrell, a mutual friend, into the diner where Brooks is interviewing Mrs. Dorsey. Jimmy’s exuberant and affectionate greeting completely alters Mrs. Dorsey’s demeanor, which reflects The Significance of Deep and Meaningful Connection.
The chapter emphasizes the importance of attending to people with qualities akin to Jimmy’s illuminating gaze rather than Brooks’s more distant approach. Brooks quotes psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist who says, “attention is a moral act: it creates, brings aspects of things into being” (30). Brooks argues that such attention involves seeing individuals as possessing infinite dignity and value, regardless of one’s religious beliefs. This perspective encourages treating others well by recognizing the transcendent spark within them. Brooks introduces the concept of “Illuminationism,” and advocates for a warm, respectful, and admiring gaze that conveys trust. This approach answers the unspoken questions people have when they meet someone new: “Am I a person to you? Do you care about me? Am I a priority for you?” (32) Brooks urges readers to treat attention as an ethical ideal, which will help foster connections beyond mere observation.
The author also outlines features of the Illuminator’s gaze, including tenderness, receptivity, active curiosity, affection, generosity, and a holistic attitude. Drawing on examples from literature, such as Olga Tokarczuk’s perspective on tenderness, Brooks illustrates the power of deep emotional concern for others. He highlights the need for receptivity, overcoming self-preoccupation to understand another’s experience. Active curiosity, akin to Zadie Smith’s childhood fascination, encourages embracing diverse perspectives. Brooks underscores the holistic attitude as a means to avoid mis-seeing people by acknowledging the complexity inherent in each individual.
Furthermore, referencing philosopher Iris Murdoch, Brooks concludes that morality is primarily about how individuals attend to others, echoing Murdoch’s idea that love is knowledge of the individual. By casting a just and loving attention, one can become a better person, fostering moral development. This reinforces the book’s theme of The Role of Empathy and Compassion in Building Moral Character.
Part 1, Chapter 4 Summary: “Accompaniment”
Brooks explores the concept of accompaniment as a crucial element in understanding and connecting with others. He begins with a narrative about naturalist Loren Eiseley’s transformative experience while floating down the Platte River. Brooks emphasizes the idea that accompaniment involves a deep awareness of the connections between individuals, akin to Eiseley merging with the river.
Accompaniment, Brooks argues, is the next step in truly knowing a person after the initial gaze. He highlights that the majority of life consists of mundane activities done side by side with others, where people accompany each other without going into personal revelations. Brooks advises against rushing into intense interactions and suggests that the initial stages of getting to know someone involve shared experiences and small talk. Accompaniment, according to Brooks, requires patience, embodying what philosopher Simone Weil calls “negative effort” (46) – allowing relationships to develop slowly.
Brooks notes that individuals appreciate respect for their personal space and a recognition of their dignity. Playfulness is another essential aspect of accompaniment, with Brooks emphasizing the role of shared activities and spontaneous, enjoyable experiences in forming connections. Play allows people to relax, be themselves, and connect without effort. Other-centeredness is a key quality in accompaniment, which signifies a willingness to join another person’s journey without imposing one’s own agenda. Brooks provides a personal anecdote about a misguided attempt to control a youth baseball team, which underscores the importance of honoring others’ choices and meeting them where they are. Presence, described as showing up and being there for others, is the final quality of accompaniment. Brooks illustrates the power of presence with examples of individuals supporting each other during challenging times. He sumps up by reinforcing that accompaniment is a humble, supportive, and patient way of being present with others, which promotes genuine connections through shared experiences and mutual understanding.
Part 1, Chapters 1-4 Analysis
In the first part of the book, Brooks lays the foundation for the theme The Significance of Deep and Meaningful Human Connection in a society plagued by detachment and superficial interactions.
Brooks employs metaphors at various instances to provide vivid imagery and deeper insights into personal growth and the complexities of human connections. For example, in Chapter 1, Brooks employs metaphor, such as the comparison of himself to “a head of cabbage” (5) in terms of emotional capacity, to convey the stark contrast between his former self and the person he has become. Similarly, while describing Loren Eiseley’s experience on the Platte River in Chapter 4, Brooks employs a metaphor that likens accompaniment to merging with the river, adding a poetic layer to the understanding of deep connections.
Brooks uses an engaging and accessible tone through his conversational style. This is evident in his reflections on college years at the University of Chicago in Chapter 1, when he humorously characterizes it as a place where “atheist professors teach Jewish students Saint Thomas Aquinas” (4). His use of personal anecdotes, like the episode with the shattered baseball bat at a game in Chapter 1, provide vivid illustrations of his past emotional constraints. Drawing from personal experiences, Brooks describes his own journey from emotional detachment to a more open-hearted and expressive way of living.
Moreover, the author integrates psychological and philosophical concepts to support his arguments. For instance, in Chapter 3, Brooks draws on psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist’s assertion that “attention is a moral act” (30), infusing the narrative with a moral and spiritual dimension and incorporating the theme The Importance of Curiosity in Personal Growth. By integrating such authoritative perspectives, Brooks moves beyond personal anecdotes to offer a theoretical underpinning for the significance of attention in promoting meaningful connections. Brooks incorporates references to religion, particularly Christianity, to reinforce the idea of seeing others with reverence and respect. He cleverly navigates between different belief systems, emphasizing the universal notion of acknowledging the intrinsic value and dignity of every individual. For example, in Chapter 3, Brooks shares a personal experience in Waco, Texas, where he introduces the reader to LaRue Dorsey, a 93-year-old Black woman, and Jimmy Dorrell, a mutual friend. Through this real-life encounter, Brooks illustrates the contrasting ways people can be perceived based on the quality of attention they receive. The reference to Jimmy who sees each person as made in the image of God adds depth to the exploration of attention as a moral act.
Brooks refers to other people’s experiences and anecdotes to highlight the universality of human emotions and need for meaningful connection. For example, in Chapter 1, he refers to the story of Harry Nyquist at Bell Lab, to exemplify the impact of Illuminators on others. By contrasting Diminishers and Illuminators, Brooks encourages readers to reflect on their own behavior and consider the impact they have on those around them. In Chapter 2, he refers to couple on a first date or individuals absorbed in their own thoughts, to draw readers into his exploration of human behavior. The writing style is accessible, as he combines storytelling with a commentary on the ways people often fail to see each other. By referring to Vivian Gornick’s struggle to truly know her mother in Chapter 2, Brooks exemplifies the challenges in understanding others deeply. Similarly, in Chapter 4, by referencing real-life examples, like a professor named Nancy Abernathy, who was coping with the death of her husband, he reinforces the idea that being present for someone during vulnerable moments is a powerful form of human connection.
Brooks also incorporates research findings in this section to establish credibility. For example, in Chapter 1, Brooks introduces the concept of “empathic accuracy” (14), rating individuals on a scale from 0 to 100%. The reference to Ickes’s findings adds a scientific dimension to Brooks’s argument, emphasizing the widespread nature of the issue.
Brooks employs rhetorical questions to encourage his readers to reflect on their behaviors and experiences in this section. For example, in Chapter 1, he asks the readers to think; “How often in your life have you felt stereotyped and categorized? How often have you felt prejudged, invisible, misheard, or misunderstood?” (15). Through these insights and the rhetorical questions posed to the reader, Brooks prompts self-reflection and engages the audience in considering their own experiences of feeling stereotyped or misunderstood.
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