How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

“In every crowd there are Diminishers and there are Illuminators. Diminishers make people feel small and unseen. They see other people as things to be used, not as persons to be befriended. They stereotype and ignore. They are so involved with themselves that other people are just not on their radar screen. Illuminators, on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others.”

Brooks distinguishes between two archetypes within social dynamics: Diminishers and Illuminators. Diminishers belittle and overlook others, while Illuminators actively seek to understand and befriend others. Brooks suggests that Illuminators cultivate a skill of appreciating and valuing people, emphasizing the importance of understanding in fostering meaningful relationships within society.

“Being an Illuminator, seeing other people in all their fullness, doesn’t just happen. It’s a craft, a set of skills, a way of life. Other cultures have words for this way of being. The Koreans call it nunchi, the ability to be sensitive to other people’s moods and thoughts. The Germans (of course) have a word for it: herzensbildung, training one’s heart to see the full humanity in another.”

Brooks discusses the intentional cultivation of empathy and understanding, particularly as embodied by Illuminators. He likens this quality to a craft, a set of skills, and a way of life. Brooks introduces terms from other cultures, such as “nunchi” in Korean and “herzensbildung” in German, both encapsulating the ability to be sensitive to others’ moods and thoughts, and training one’s heart to recognize the full humanity in another. The author emphasizes that being an Illuminator is an intentional and practiced approach to engaging with others, requiring a commitment to recognizing and valuing the complexities of individual human experiences.

“For Murdoch, the essential immoral act is the inability to see other people correctly. Human beings, she finds, are self-centered beings, anxiety-ridden and resentful. We are constantly representing people to ourselves in self-serving ways, in ways that gratify our egos and serve our ends. We stereotype and condescend, ignore and dehumanize. And because we don’t see people accurately, we treat them wrongly. Evil happens when people are unseeing, when they don’t recognize the personhood in other human beings.”

Brooks explores philosopher Iris Murdoch’s perspective on morality, emphasizing the centrality of accurately perceiving others. Murdoch contends that the fundamental immoral act is the failure to see people correctly, driven by human tendencies toward self-centeredness, anxiety, and resentment. Brooks suggests that this misperception leads to harmful behaviors, such as stereotyping, condescension, and dehumanization. The author contends that recognizing and acknowledging the full personhood of others is crucial for moral behavior, highlighting the destructive consequences when individuals are unable to see one another accurately.

“Eiseley’s essay about this experience is called ‘The Flow of the River.’ In it, he’s not only describing the Platte; he’s describing how he felt he was merging with the river. He recounts a sort of open awareness of the connections between all creatures, all nature. He wasn’t swimming in the river. He wasn’t investigating the river. He was accompanying the river.”

Brooks refers to Loren Eiseley’s essay, “The Flow of the River,” where Eiseley describes a transformative experience of merging with the Platte River. Brooks underscores that Eiseley’s account goes beyond a mere description of the river; instead, it delves into his profound sense of unity with nature. Eiseley’s open awareness of connections between all creatures reflects a deep, contemplative understanding. Brooks asserts that this mode of connection, characterized by accompaniment rather than mere observation or investigation, parallels the process of truly getting to know a person.

“Constructionism is the recognition, backed up by the last half century of brain research, that people don’t passively take in reality. Each person actively constructs their own perception of reality. That’s not to say there is not an objective reality out there. It’s to say that we have only subjective access to it. ‘The mind is its own place,’ the poet John Milton wrote, ‘and in itself / Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.’”

Here, Brooks introduces the concept of constructionism, which asserts that individuals actively construct their own perception of reality. Brooks highlights the notion that people don’t passively absorb objective reality; instead, they interpret and shape their understanding of the world. Drawing on the insights from the last half century of brain research, he suggests that our access to reality is subjective. The quote from John Milton emphasizes the powerful role of the mind in shaping one’s experience, suggesting that one’s mental constructs can transform the perception of reality, turning it into either a heaven or a hell.

“The greatest thing a person does is to take the lessons of life, the hard knocks of life, the surprises of life, and the mundane realities of life and refine their own consciousness so that they can gradually come to see the world with more understanding, more wisdom, more humanity, and more grace. George Bernard Shaw got it right: ‘Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.’”

Brooks reflects on the transformative journey of personal growth and consciousness. He emphasizes that the most significant accomplishment in life involves integrating the lessons, challenges, surprises, and everyday experiences to refine one’s consciousness. The quote from George Bernard Shaw underscores the idea that life is not merely a quest to discover one’s identity but rather a continuous process of self-creation. Brooks suggests that the ultimate goal is to perceive the world with increased understanding, wisdom, humanity, and grace as individuals actively shape and craft their own evolving selves.

“When you are listening, you are like the host of a dinner party. You have set the scene. You’re exuding warmth toward your guests, showing how happy you are to be with them, drawing them closer to where they want to go. When you are speaking, you are like a guest at a dinner party. You are bringing gifts.”

Brooks uses the metaphor of a dinner party to convey the dynamics of communication. When listening, one takes on the role of the host, setting a welcoming and warm atmosphere, demonstrating genuine interest, and guiding the conversation in a direction that aligns with the guests’ desires. On the other hand, when speaking, one becomes a guest, contributing to the interaction by offering valuable insights or perspectives—akin to bringing gifts to enrich the communal experience. This metaphor underscores the reciprocity and shared responsibility inherent in meaningful communication, where both listening and speaking play essential roles in fostering a harmonious and enriching exchange.

“I’ve come to think of questioning as a moral practice. When you are asking a good question, you are adopting a posture of humility. You’re confessing that you don’t know and you want to learn. You’re also honoring a person. We all like to think we are so clever that we can imagine what’s going on in another’s mind. But the evidence shows that this doesn’t work. People are just too different from one another, too complicated, too idiosyncratic.”

Brooks presents questioning as a moral practice, framing it as an act of humility and respect. He suggests that asking meaningful questions signifies an acknowledgment of one’s own limitations and a genuine desire to learn from others. By recognizing the complexity and individuality of each person, questioning becomes an avenue for honoring others, challenging the assumption that one can easily understand someone else’s thoughts. Brooks emphasizes that adopting a posture of humility through questioning fosters a more profound and respectful engagement with the diverse perspectives of those around us.

“We live in an environment in which political animosities, technological dehumanization, and social breakdown undermine connection, strain friendships, erase intimacy, and foster distrust. We’re living in the middle of some sort of vast emotional, relational, and spiritual crisis. It is as if people across society have lost the ability to see and understand one another, thus producing a culture that can be brutalizing and isolating.”

Brooks paints a vivid picture of the contemporary social dynamics, highlighting the pervasive challenges that affect emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being. He describes a milieu where political animosities, technological dehumanization, and social breakdown contribute to the erosion of connections, and breed distrust. Brooks characterizes this state as a vast spiritual crisis, suggesting a collective loss of the ability to see and understand one another.

“Loneliness thus leads to meanness. As the saying goes, pain that is not transformed gets transmitted.”

Brooks succinctly captures the ripple effect of loneliness, suggesting that it often manifests as meanness in individuals. The phrase “pain that is not transformed gets transmitted” encapsulates the idea that unaddressed or unresolved emotional distress can be passed on, resulting in negative behaviors such as cruelty or hostility. Brooks implies a connection between personal struggles with loneliness and the potential for those feelings to be expressed outwardly in less compassionate or understanding ways.

“Several generations, including my own, were not taught the skills they would need in order to see, understand, and respect other people in all their depth and dignity. The breakdown in basic moral skills produced disconnection, alienation, and a culture in which cruelty was permitted.”

Brooks reflects on the consequences of a lack of education in essential moral skills. He suggests that several generations, including his own, were not adequately taught the necessary skills to see, understand, and respect others. This breakdown in moral education, according to Brooks, contributes to a cultural environment where cruelty is permitted, highlighting the broader societal consequences of inadequate emphasis on fundamental human values.

“I have found that if you work on your skills—your capacity to see and hear others—you really can get a sense of another person’s perspective. And I have found that it is quite possible to turn distrust into trust, to build mutual respect.”

Brooks underscores the transformative potential of developing interpersonal skills, particularly the capacity to genuinely perceive and listen to others. He asserts that by actively honing these abilities, individuals can gain insights into different perspectives, enabling them to convert initial distrust into trust and cultivate mutual respect within relationships. Brooks highlights the practical and achievable nature of fostering understanding and connection through intentional skill-building in communication.

“If I’m ever in a similar situation again, I’ll understand that you don’t have to try to coax somebody out of depression. It’s enough to show that you have some understanding of what they are enduring. It’s enough to create an atmosphere in which they can share their experience. It’s enough to offer them the comfort of being seen.”

Brooks reflects on his learning from supporting a friend through depression, realizing that genuine understanding and creating a supportive atmosphere are more impactful than attempting to cheerfully alleviate the condition. He advocates for acknowledging the pain of depression, offering a comforting presence, and demonstrating that the person is seen and understood. He emphasizes the importance of empathy over traditional methods of encouragement.

“The men in the study with warm relationships with their fathers enjoyed their vacations more through life, were better able to use humor as a coping mechanism, and were more content in their retirements. A warm childhood environment was also a better predictor of adult social mobility than intelligence.”

Brooks refers to a study which highlights the long-term impact of warm relationships with fathers, pointing out that such connections contribute to enhanced life satisfaction, coping mechanisms, and contentment in retirement. He emphasizes the significance of a nurturing childhood environment, underscoring its greater influence on adult social mobility. He suggests that emotional connections and a supportive upbringing play pivotal roles in shaping individuals’ overall well-being and life trajectories.

“People who have survived natural disasters, for example, are more likely to help homeless people. People who have survived civil wars give more to charity. Those who use life’s hard chapters well come out different.”

Brooks points out that individuals who have endured and coped with challenging experiences, such as natural disasters or civil wars, are more inclined to exhibit empathy and altruism towards others in need. He implies that resilience and growth from adversity can lead to a more altruistic and compassionate approach to helping others in the broader community.

“As a young woman who had been assaulted told Stephen Joseph, ‘If someone had said to me the day after I was attacked that I would be able to do what I’m doing now, or that I would see the attack as a turning point in my life, I would have wanted to strangle them, but it was a turning point. I like who I am now and I’m doing things I never would have thought I was capable of. If I was to erase the past then I wouldn’t be who I am today.’”

Brooks shares a survivor’s perspective on trauma, highlighting how one’s response to adversity can lead to personal growth and positive transformation. The individual expresses that, despite initial pain, the experience became a turning point, shaping her into someone she values. Brooks suggests that, for some individuals, dealing with and overcoming trauma can result in newfound strength, self-identity, and a recognition of personal capabilities that might not have been realized otherwise.

“In the Illuminator model, character building is not something you can do alone. Morality is a social practice. It is trying to be generous and considerate toward a specific other person, who is enmeshed in a specific context.”

Brooks discusses the Illuminator model, asserting that building character and practicing morality are inherently social endeavors. He underscores the interpersonal and contextual nature of morality, suggesting that meaningful moral growth occurs within the dynamic interactions and relationships with others, challenging the idea that character-building is a solitary pursuit.

“A healthy society depends on a wide variety of human types. Such a society has outgoing people to serve as leaders, organized people to make companies and schools run smoothly, curious people to invent new products and try on new ideas, nervous people to warn of danger, and kind people to care for the sick and ill.”

Brooks emphasizes the importance of diversity in personality types for a healthy society. He suggests that different individuals, with varying traits and strengths, contribute uniquely to societal well-being. As an example, Brooks underscores the necessity of outgoing leaders, curious innovators, and compassionate caregivers, highlighting the collective strength that arises from the diverse qualities and contributions of various human types in a thriving community.

“People get better as they age. They become more agreeable, conscientious, and emotionally stable versions of themselves. If you have that sommelier’s expertise in the human personality, you can see people more clearly as, like wine, they improve with age.”

Brooks asserts that individuals tend to improve with age, becoming more agreeable, conscientious, and emotionally stable. He uses the metaphor of a sommelier to suggest that, with expertise in understanding the nuances of the human personality, one can appreciate the positive transformations that occur over time. Brooks highlights the idea that, like fine wine, people develop and refine their qualities, gaining maturity and enhancing their positive traits as they age.

“To establish a sense of agency, people develop what Kegan calls an imperial consciousness. People with this mindset can be quite self-centered. Their own desires and interests are paramount. The world is a message about me, about how I am valued.”

Brooks discusses Robert Kegan’s concept of an “imperial consciousness,” where individuals with this mindset prioritize their own desires and interests, viewing the world as a reflection of their personal value. Brooks implies that this self-centered orientation can hinder the development of a broader sense of agency, and limits one’s personal growth.

“Carl Jung once wrote, ‘The achievements which society rewards are won at the cost of a diminution of personality.’ Eventually the costs become too high. The person at the end of this task realizes that there is a spiritual hunger that’s been unmet, a desire to selflessly serve some cause, to leave some legacy for others. This crisis sometimes comes as a sense that you simply no longer want what you used to want.”

Brooks references Carl Jung’s insight that societal achievements often come at the expense of personal fulfillment, leading to a diminution of individuality. Brooks suggests that individuals may reach a point where the costs become too high, triggering a spiritual hunger and a desire to leave a meaningful legacy. He implies a potential crisis of shifting values, where one reevaluates and seeks deeper, more altruistic pursuits over conventional societal rewards.

“The ability to craft an accurate and coherent life story is yet another vital skill we don’t teach people in school. But coming up with a personal story is centrally important to leading a meaningful life. You can’t know who you are unless you know how to tell your story.”

Brooks emphasizes the importance of crafting an accurate and coherent life story, asserting that it is a vital skill often overlooked in education. Brooks suggests that knowing who you are involves the capacity to narrate your own experiences, which promotes self-awareness and a sense of purpose.

“We live our childhoods at least twice. First, we live through them with eyes of wonderment, and then later in life we have to revisit them to understand what it all meant. As adults, artists often return to their childhood homes as a source of spiritual nourishment and in search of explanations for why they are as they are.”

Brooks suggests that we experience our childhoods in two phases: first, with wonderment, and later in life, revisiting them to gain understanding. By referring to the example of artists, Brooks advocates the idea that reflecting on childhood experiences is essential for self-discovery. It provides a source of inspiration and insight for artists exploring their identity.