How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing

Davis introduces the concept of showing kindness to your future self as a way to approach care tasks. She shares a personal story about how she started cleaning the kitchen the night before it was her husband’s turn to wake up early with their children. This act was not out of obligation but to make his morning easier. Davis realized that she deserved the same kindness and began to see nighttime preparations as a way to ease her own mornings.

Davis encourages readers to replace self-critical thoughts with more compassionate ones, such as considering how completing a task now can bring future comfort and convenience. She acknowledges that this mindset change is not a foolproof method to always motivate action, but emphasizes that being kind to oneself is better than self-criticism.

Davis addresses those who have struggled to adhere to popular self-help methods, acknowledging that many prescribed routines often fail to stick. She highlights that maintaining habits requiring extreme willpower is unsustainable, and the success stories of many self-help gurus often overlook the privileges that facilitate their achievements.

Davis emphasizes that different people face unique challenges and possess distinct strengths, which means that one-size-fits-all solutions are ineffective. She uses examples from her own life and a friend’s to illustrate how individuals can excel in some areas while struggling in others. For example, Davis finds business tasks easy and enjoyable but struggles with home care, while her friend effortlessly maintains a clean home but finds business tasks challenging. Davis encourages readers to develop personalized systems that accommodate their specific barriers and strengths, rather than relying on generic advice.

Davis introduces the Five Things Tidying Method as a gentle and systematic approach to tackle overwhelming messes. She identifies that any cluttered space contains five types of items: Trash, dishes, laundry, things that have a place but are not in their place, and things that do not have a place. Davis outlines a step-by-step process: First, collect all trash, then gather dishes, followed by laundry, and finally, sort items that have a designated spot while piling those without a place. This method prevents distraction and promotes efficiency by focusing on one category at a time, which makes the task less daunting.

Davis encourages breaking the process into manageable tasks, using tools like timers and music for support. She also advises against feeling guilty about discarding items intended for donation if they have been sitting around unused, emphasizing the importance of restoring functionality and reducing clutter to improve overall well-being.

Davis discusses the importance of reframing the way we think about mess and care tasks. She emphasizes that the negative messages we associate with untidiness often stem from societal or familial influences. For instance, some families might emphasize cleanliness as a way to combat stereotypes and assert dignity in the face of discrimination.

Davis encourages readers to examine and reframe these inherited messages by replacing self-critical thoughts with compassionate ones. For example, instead of thinking, “I’m such a failure” (25) when seeing a pile of dishes, Davis suggests saying, “Dishes don’t think. Dishes don’t judge” (25). Davis proposes changing our internal dialogue to recognize the positive aspects of mess, such as seeing dirty dishes as a sign that meals were prepared. She encourages renaming “chores” to “care tasks” and “cleaning” to “resetting the space” (28), to emphasize kindness and functionality rather than obligation and endless tasks.

Davis emphasizes the importance of viewing care tasks through a functional lens rather than a moral one. She advises readers to stop caring for their home as an entity and instead focus on how their home can serve them by meeting their needs for safety, comfort, and happiness.

Davis breaks down care tasks into three layers: Essential health and safety, comfort, and happiness. She illustrates this with examples, such as sweeping floors to avoid tripping or having clean kitchen counters to prepare food safely. Davis also challenges the advice to “clean as you go” (32), explaining that while it may be efficient on paper, it doesn’t work for everyone and can lead to stress and exhaustion. Instead, she suggests finding personalized, enjoyable methods for completing tasks, even if they aren't the quickest.

Davis discusses the emotional challenges associated with care tasks, particularly when facing functional barriers that cause messes to accumulate quickly. She introduces the concept of the “compassionate observer” to counteract the negative self-talk that often arises in such situations.

Davis identifies two internal voices: The “inner bully” that harshly criticizes and the “little self” that feels defeated and ashamed. She advocates invoking a third voice, the “compassionate observer,” a concept inspired by Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion. This third voice tells the inner bully to stop and comforts the little self by acknowledging the struggle without assigning moral failure to being untidy. Davis encourages readers to practice self-compassion by responding to negative thoughts with kindness, as they would to a friend. This approach helps reduce distressing thoughts over time and fosters a healthier internal dialogue.

Davis distinguishes between being organized and being tidy, emphasizing that organization is about having a designated place for everything and a system to get items there, while tidiness refers to how quickly items are returned to their place. She explains that it is possible to be organized without being tidy, as illustrated by her own home, where things have places but are not always promptly returned due to ADHD and young children.

Davis highlights that organization should prioritize functionality over aesthetics, sharing her own experience with ineffective “Instagrammable” organizational methods. She advocates for practical solutions, like using baskets to manage clutter and creating functional spaces that serve their needs, rather than striving for visually-perfect organization. The chapter concludes with an ode to baskets, celebrating their practicality and versatility in helping maintain organization in a functional and accessible way.

Davis discusses the varying capacities of individuals to handle life’s challenges, highlighting that the same disorder or barrier can affect people differently. She uses the example of “Susie with depression” (41), who manages to keep an immaculate house despite having six kids.

Davis emphasizes that comparing oneself to others is unhelpful, as individual capacities are shaped by unique combinations of biology, psychology, and environment. She asserts that achieving tasks within one's capacity, whether it's maintaining a clean house or simply managing to eat a meal, is worthy of pride. Davis encourages readers to focus on their well-being rather than trying to emulate others, reminding them that everyone has their own “Susie” they look up to, and each person’s struggles and achievements are valid in their own right.

Davis addresses the challenge of kick-starting motivation for care tasks, using her experience with an exercise bike to illustrate common struggles. Despite her initial enthusiasm, she soon fell off track, feeling guilty and discouraged. Instead of trying harder, she decided to lower her goal, starting with just three minutes on the bike. This small, manageable step helped her build momentum. Davis emphasizes that many people face issues not with motivation but with task initiation, especially those with ADHD, autism, PTSD, or depression.

Davis suggests several strategies to overcome task initiation barriers. She recommends “moving towards” tasks by taking small steps like simply standing in the kitchen, which can create enough momentum to begin. Davis also proposes using built-in wait times, such as waiting for a kettle to boil, to start care tasks. Bundling enjoyable activities, like listening to a podcast while doing chores, can make tasks more appealing. She highlights the benefits of “body doubling,” where having a friend present makes tasks easier, even if they aren't actively helping. Lastly, Davis advocates timed cleaning, using visual timers to break tasks into manageable increments. This method helps conceptualize time and reduces the overwhelming nature of large tasks.