History is All You Left Me

“Three is a number I’ve forgiven since yesterday, but only for our squad. It hopefully won’t bother me as much now that Theo and I are together, like our personal unit will count as ‘one,’ though I probably shouldn’t mention that to Wade.”

This quote shows how Griffin uses logic to work with his compulsions as they impact his life. His affinity for even numbers is so strong that he creates a new way to classify his friend trio, so it feels better. This quote relates to the theme of Needing Control Versus Accepting Help, as Griffin finds ways to be in control of his compulsions.

“But I want to know if they have busted out laughing so hard their rib cage hurt. I haven’t. I’m not mad at any of them if they have. It sucks because I know I’ll be alone in my grief for a while. I just want to know when it’s possible to laugh again. And when it’ll be okay.”

In this quote, Griffin speculates about the levels of grief experienced by the other people at Theo’s funeral. He feels he’s grieving more than them because of how much he loved Theo. Griffin’s statement that he’s alone in his grief foreshadows his connection with Jackson Wright later in the novel. This quote relates to the theme of Grief and Moving On as Griffin wonders how long his grief will prevent laughter.

“I have to believe these universes exist; it’s the only way to manage the suffering here. Alternate versions of me are perfectly happy with alternate versions of you, because you’re alive.”

In this quote, Griffin alludes to Theo’s alternate universe theories as a way of coping with his grief. To get through Theo’s burial, Griffin imagines that Theo is alive and living life with an alternate version of himself because he finds comfort in that thought. This quote develops the theme of Grief and Moving On by showing how Griffin copes with his grief.

“I believe him, in this moment, but it’s what can happen in the future that chokes me a little. I’m not going to say anything though. Being paranoid can’t possibly take me anywhere good.”

After finding out that Theo is bisexual, Griffin talks himself down from panicking at all the possibilities out there for Theo. When Theo reassures Griffin, Griffin chooses to believe him because Griffin worries that being scared will lead to bad decisions. This foreshadows Griffin’s paranoia-based decisions as Theo gets into college and moves away.

“I smile for him. But it’s a lie. I am not happy.”

After finding out that Theo has a chance to get into college early, Griffin is outwardly supportive of Theo while panicking inside. He’s terrified of losing Theo, but he doesn’t want to spoil Theo’s happiness, so he pretends to be happy too. This is the beginning of Griffin pretending to be happy for Theo’s sake, and it contributes to the theme of Lying to Make Others Happy.

“Jackson, like me, loves you. And like me, he is stuck in this universe without you. I know what you’d say: there are limitless alternate universes. Is there one where you’ve decided to watch over Jackson from the afterlife? No, that’s wrong. Even Jackson said you were always talking about me.”

In this quote, Griffin wonders if there’s a chance Theo isn’t watching him and is watching Jackson instead. The thought is so painful that Griffin cannot fathom any alternate universe where that happens, and he pushes the thought away immediately. This quote shows how important being able to talk to Theo is for Griffin as he grieves and contributes to the Grief and Moving On theme.

“Theo is practically walking me through his brain, a tour of his imagination, and we’re both lost in it, lost in why this universe we live in beats the rest. We’re two zombie pirates who aren’t leaving the ship to feed on brains, but there’s definitely a greater voyage ahead.”

In this quote, Griffin is absorbed in Theo, showing how much he adores Theo and Theo’s brain. They’re dressed as zombie pirates for Halloween, but instead they’re working on Theo’s essay. Griffin feels okay missing Halloween for Theo because of his love for Theo and the future he envisions with Theo.

“His crying stirred a tornado of sympathy and rage in me, and while I remained firm against the force of grief, I am definitely battered.”

This quote is adjacent to the storm imagery that represents unpredictability and pain as used by Griffin later in the novel. Here, he uses a tornado to describe the way Jackson’s crying stirred his own grief and emotions. Griffin has strong, mixed feelings about Jackson at this point, and he’s struggling against the urge to act on his grief. This quote relates to the theme of Grief and Moving On.

“Different parts of our features are blended together to create one face: his blue eye, my haze; the small string of freckles along his nose, my bump on the bridge; his bottom lip, my upper; his blondish eyebrow, my dark one. It’s a portrait and a puzzle.”

This quote is significant because it contributes to the symbolism of puzzles as relationships. This quote also shows the intricate details of the portrait Wade Church made, revealing his thoughtfulness and foreshadowing the depth at which Wade cares for Griffin.

“[…] the way Theo and I came out to each other was sort of like getting caught in a thunderstorm. Storms can suck when they’re knocking out power and ripping apart houses, no doubt. Both other times the thunder is a soundtrack to something unpredictable, something that gets our hearts racing and wakes us up. If someone had warned me about the weather, I might have freaked out and stayed inside.”

In this quote, Griffin compares getting caught up with Theo to getting caught in a storm. The storm imagery used to describe the dangerous and unpredictable nature of a scary relationship is significant in this quote as storms and lightning come to represent the hardships that make or break a relationship as the chapters progress.

“You can see, Jackson and me are growing up because of you. I hope this doesn’t sound like your death has fixed our lives; I hated when Jackson said that, I hate myself for even hinting at it.”

This quote has to do with the theme of Grief and Moving On because it shows Griffin’s first hints of growth since Theo’s death. He wants Theo to acknowledge that he and Jackson are getting along and being mature people because of Theo’s death. Prior to this, Griffin has had no positive thoughts about his situation with Theo and Jackson.

“Maybe that’s what Jackson is: a recess from everything, even though he’s got a foot in everything, too. I guess I could say he’s freedom.

Did you think of Jackson as freedom?”

After spending time with Jackson for Jackson’s birthday, Griffin finds he’s able to have a good time for the first time in a long time. He appreciates Jackson’s presence because Jackson helps Griffin escape the grief without escaping thoughts of Theo completely. This quote relates to the theme of Grief and Moving On.

“There are no easy answers here. This won’t be as simple as an apology. Jackson and I are broken, in desperate need of repair, but the only mechanic we’re interested in seeing is out favorite person—and you’re clocked out forever.”

In this quote, Griffin acknowledges that he and Jackson have been pushing away their friends and loved ones in search of nothing but Theo. They are the only ones who understand what they’re going through. This quote relates to the theme of Grief and Moving On by showing how grief can make people feel “broken” and begin to push others away.

“If she wants to go see a ‘mental health professional’ and report back on how I’m supposed to be doing according to the seven stages of grief or whatever bullshit they’ll feed her, she can be my guest. I don’t need that in my life any more than I do Wade’s telling me everything about you I already know.

I just need you and Jackson.”

This quote shows how Griffin is allowing his grief and his need for control to impact his life. He mocks the idea of therapy and asserts that he only needs Jackson and Theo. Griffin’s rejection of an offer for help and decision to hold onto Theo and Jackson develop the themes of Grief and Moving On and Needing Control Versus Accepting Help. Griffin is not at a place in his grieving journey where he’s ready to accept professional help, even if it’s what he needs.

“You left us alone. Your death made us each a piece in this awkward puzzle that doesn’t completely come together, but it’s enough to make out the image: two boys in love with someone who is never coming back.”

This quote features the puzzle imagery that symbolizes the building of relationships. Griffin’s observations in this quote show that he believes he and Jackson are building some sort of relationship based around the gap that Theo left in their lives. Not only does this quote feature a main symbol, but it also relates to the main theme of Grief and Moving On.

“I can’t get it out of my head that Theo called it a Skype hang-out and not a Skype date. Or that I was just his ‘friend’ and nothing more.”

In this quote, Griffin reflects on how Theo chose his words carefully around Jackson, whom Theo has never heard of. It’s the first time Theo becomes suspicious of Jackson and his friendship with Theo. This moment foreshadows how Theo and Griffin grow away from their old relationship habits now that they’re apart.

“It takes a few minutes, but I start to get the hang of it. I’m driving in circles like a pro. It’s freeing to be in the driver’s seat, to decide if I’ll go right or left, forward or reverse. It’s freeing to be in control.”

As Griffin learns to drive for the first time, he realizes how nice it feels to be in control of his own life. This comes after several impulsive, grief-driven decisions for Griffin, and it gives him a taste of the freedom he’s desperate to feel since Theo’s death. This quote relates to the theme of Needing Control Versus Accepting Help, as it shows Griffin’s desire to be in control.

“You know Jackson and I would sacrifice so much to have you lying here between us, but I’m learning there should be some times I put you to rest for a little bit instead of obsessing about you every day. Or I’m trying. I don’t know what will be left of me if love and grief can’t bring you back to life. Maybe I need to be brought back to life, too.”

In this quote, Griffin is beginning to understand the flaws in his coping mechanisms. He makes the mature observation that he cannot keep Theo on him constantly because it’s not helping him. As much as he wants Theo with him, he knows things are getting unhealthy, and he worries if he can be saved from this destructive path.

“People are complicated puzzles, always trying to piece together a complete picture, but sometimes we get it wrong and sometimes we’re left unfinished. Sometimes that’s for the best. Some pieces can’t be forced into a puzzle, or at least they shouldn’t be, because they won’t make sense.”

This quote employs the symbolism of puzzles as a representation of relationships as Griffin analyzes why Theo might have taught Jackson their special kisses or why Jackson might have thought it was a good idea to teach them back to Griffin. Not only is this quote important to the puzzle symbolism, but it’s significant to Griffin as he grapples with the worst betrayal he can imagine from Theo, which is using their past to create a future with someone else.

“Focusing on Theo these past few years has prevented me from truly appreciating Wade’s role in my life. He’s not just some third wheel who claims to be psychic. He doesn’t just say the wrong thing at the wrong times. He’s a capital p Person who speaks the truth and looks out for everyone’s future, sometimes before his own.”

In this quote, which takes place several months before Theo’s death, Griffin shows he’s finally changing the focus of his life from Theo to Wade by acknowledging that Wade is an important part of his life and appreciating Wade for the unique person he is. This quote has to do with Grief and Moving On as it shows Griffin starting to move on from his previous relationship with Theo.

“I’m not interrupting the happiness of a girl who’s been missing her older brother, the happiness of a guy who’s been missing the first love of his life, the happiness of another guy who lost his best friend, the collective happiness of three people in desperate need of happiness.”

As Griffin dances with Wade and Denise, he narrates how significant it is that all three of them are having a good time. Griffin’s acknowledgment of the happiness of the group contrasts with his grief-steeped feelings in earlier chapters when he expresses that he doesn’t know when he will laugh again. This quote develops the theme of Grief and Moving On by showing how grieving people can still find happiness in little moments.

“‘Your thing…it’s not healthy,’ Wade says. ‘I don’t understand what it’s got to be like in your head, but you have to do what’s necessary to not be your compulsions’ bitch. It’s limiting your life.’

Not controlling. Limiting.”

This quote from Wade emphasizes the theme of Needing Control Versus Accepting Help as Wade stresses to Griffin that obeying his compulsions isn’t a healthy way to cope with them. The last part of the quote is what stands out to Griffin as he realizes that he’s not in control, he’s limited.

“I’m on his left, of course, but in the middle of his story about his earliest memory at the movie theater, I shift to his right and hold his hand, which does feel weird, I can’t lie. But it feels good, too. I’m no longer waking up on the wrong side of my life.”

In this quote, Griffin makes a conscious decision to fight against his compulsions by walking on Wade’s right. This quote develops the main themes of Needing Control Versus Accepting Help and Grief and Moving On by showing how Griffin has chosen to accept Wade’s help for his compulsions and is working on moving on with his grief in a new era with Wade.