History is All You Left Me

“Sunday, June 8th, 2014”

Griffin and Theo have been friends since middle school when they bonded over a puzzle. Today, they ride the subway to a flea market. Griffin sits to the left of Theo. He’s found himself drawn to the left side of people lately. Griffin plans to tell Theo something big today—it’s an even-numbered day, which is important to Griffin.

After a few minutes at the flea market, the boys grow hot and realize the market is overpriced. Theo doesn’t want to leave empty-handed, so they agree to buy each other something. They plan to meet at the entrance in 20 minutes.

Griffin chooses a puzzle that features a pirate ship under siege by a terrible storm. He imagines Theo will give the puzzle a complete backstory. Once they’re on the subway, they exchange gifts. Theo got Griffin a Ron Weasley ornament. Theo thinks Ron is Griffin’s favorite, but he’s just Griffin’s favorite of the three main characters. Griffin’s real favorite is Cedric Diggory. Theo loves his puzzle, and he makes up a story that they’re zombie pirates. Theo comes up with names and backstories very quickly. Griffin admires Theo’s brain. They talk about zombie survival plans.

Griffin wants to tell Theo something important, but Theo also has something important to say. They agree to blurt it at the same time. While Griffin tells Theo that he believes he might be “crazy” (11), Theo tells Griffin that he likes him. Theo is embarrassed and caught off guard by Griffin’s confession. He asks if Griffin is gay. Griffin says he is, but then he explains how he believes he has OCD. He counts things and craves even numbers and must always be on people’s left side. Theo says these are just evidence of Griffin’s genius and are only quirks. Griffin considers this, but he has other compulsions and tics that make it hard for him to ignore his quirks.

Theo comforts Griffin and apologizes if he made Griffin come out. Griffin admits he wanted to tell Theo anyway. Theo takes Griffin’s hand and confesses that he’s been making up alternate universes lately and writing them down. Recently, he has seen Griffin in every universe. He shows Griffin his arm where he’s written down, “Alternate Universe: I’m dating Griffin Jennings and that’s that” (14).

Griffin is happy to see this because he likes Theo too. He’s fantasized about what dating Theo would be like. Griffin asks Theo why he chose today to confess. Theo explains that the photo their friend Wade Church took of them yesterday made him realize how they belonged together. He’d been wanting to be with Griffin for a while. The boys shake hands to secure their new relationship.

“Monday, November 20th, 2016”

Griffin struggles to get out of bed on the day of the funeral, but his parents manage to prod him up. Griffin won’t wear a black suit today—he can’t take off Theo’s green hoodie, which he’s worn every day since Theo died. He regrets washing it because it doesn’t smell like him anymore. Griffin waits until the clock turns to an even-numbered minute before moving on with his day. Griffin has taken all the photos of Theo and him from the rest of the house and stashed them in his room, but his mom still drinks out of the Yoda mug that Theo got her.

Griffin tells his parents he’s ready to go, but he’s lying. He’s only ready because he doesn’t have a choice. He can’t envision his life beyond Theo’s burial. On the way to the funeral, Griffin looks out the car window and counts pairs of people. He wishes that Theo’s hand was holding his because two hands would be better than one.

“Monday, June 9th, 2014”

Griffin, Theo, and Wade go to Barnes & Noble after school each day to do their homework and enjoy the cafe. Theo was supposed to tell Wade about his and Griffin’s relationship earlier in the day, but he didn’t. Griffin is upset because he hates keeping secrets.

The boys browse the books and joke about writing memoirs. Wade goes to fetch iced teas for everyone from the café, so Griffin and Theo sneak into another aisle. Griffin urges Theo to tell Wade before they leave the bookstore, and Theo agrees. Wade returns and catches them holding hands.

Wade predicted they’d get together sometime last year, and he jokes that Theo and Griffin doubt his psychic prowess. Theo jokes back, but he’s nervous. Wade knew Griffin and Theo liked each other because their chemistry was obvious. However, he doesn’t want to be a third wheel. Griffin says that it won’t change things, but he and Theo are both realistic about how they’ll be spending more time just the two of them.

Wade asks them to promise not to destroy the squad when they break up. Theo asks Wade to have faith in them, but Theo and Griffin promise to be mature in a breakup. Wade is skeptical. They group hug, and Griffin is relieved that there are no more secrets.

“Monday, November 20th, 2016”

Griffin and his family sit in the car outside the funeral chapel. Griffin cannot go inside. Griffin’s parents ask if he’s ready, but he isn’t. They offer to sit with him in the car until he is. Griffin’s parents hold hands in the front seat. His ideas of everlasting love came from watching them. Today, though, it angers him because he’ll never hold Theo’s hand again. He gets out of the car.

Griffin thinks about how Theo always helped him be brave. There is a cutout of Theo’s face in the entryway. Griffin traces Theo’s cardboard cheek with his fingers, and then traces the gold lettering of Theo’s name.

Wade finds Griffin. Griffin doesn’t feel ready to see Wade. They’ve been distant for several months, since something happened between Wade and Theo. Wade has tried reaching out, but Griffin hasn’t responded. He refers to Wade as Theo’s former best friend. Wade apologizes to Griffin for his loss.

Griffin looks around and wonders if anyone there has laughed since Theo’s death. Griffin hasn’t. Wade asks Griffin if he’s going to talk to Jackson Wright, Theo’s boyfriend. Wade suggests that Jackson is the only other person who knows what Griffin is going through. Griffin retorts that they didn’t have what he and Theo had. Griffin decides to see Theo’s dad, who is outside smoking, but Jackson is blocking the door.

“Thursday, June 12th, 2014”

For their first date, Griffin and Theo go to a pop culture trivia night at a local arcade diner. They rush through the rain to get there on time. Griffin is happy they get table number 16—an even number. They’re the youngest team there.

Griffin wants to kiss Theo while they look at the menu, but he doesn’t want to force their first kiss. Griffin imagines winning the first prize of a Star Wars movie set and sharing in Theo’s love for Star Wars.

Griffin and Theo tie with another team for first place. Theo elects Griffin to answer the tie-breaker question. Griffin is nervous but accepts the responsibility with Theo’s encouragement. To Griffin’s relief, the question is about the Harry Potter universe. Still, he fumbles the answer and mixes up two names. Griffin and Theo get second place.

Theo comforts Griffin, saying Griffin would’ve gotten it if he could’ve written the answer down. Theo wouldn’t have known at all. Theo cheers Griffin up, and they flee to the pinball machines where they share their first kiss. It feels right to Griffin.

“Monday, November 20th, 2016”

Griffin and Jackson look similar. The biggest difference between them is Griffin wears Theo’s hoodie while Jackson wears a suit. Theo and Jackson met last year, just before Halloween. Theo was walking home in the rain. Jackson was driving between his divorced parents’ houses and spotted Theo. He offered Theo a ride, having seen him around before. They bonded over movies and role-playing games as they drove. When Theo told Griffin about Jackson, Griffin realized that his endgame vision with Theo was threatened.

Griffin talks to Theo’s dad briefly, and then faces Jackson, who greets him. Griffin had refused to meet Jackson back in February, when Theo brought Jackson home for Theo’s birthday. Jackson was with Theo when Theo died. Griffin feels guilty for feeling envious of Jackson for that, despite knowing he’d never want to see such a thing.

Jackson has a popped blood vessel in his eye from crying. He touches his forehead to the forehead of Theo’s cutout. He calls Theo “Theodore” and says he misses him. Griffin recalls that Theo never went by Theodore, but he questions whether that has since changed. He worries he didn’t truly know Theo. Jackson is staying with Theo’s family and will be in town for a couple weeks. Griffin worries Jackson might be staying in Theo’s room.

The two take their seats in the service area. Griffin notices Theo’s favorite flowers, calla lilies, are missing from the funeral. He apologizes to Theo for not bringing any. During the eulogies, Theo’s younger sister, Denise, breaks down crying, so Griffin rushes to comfort her, knowing it’s what Theo would’ve done. Theo’s parents and other family members speak as well. When it’s Griffin’s turn, he isn’t sure what to say. He takes a long look at Theo, studying Theo’s clothes and makeup. He squeezes Theo’s hand and cries a little. Griffin tells the story of how he and Theo came out together. Griffin cries at the end of the story and talks about how Theo made him feel safe and how no one would’ve guessed he would leave the earth this soon. He says history is how everyone will get to keep Theo with them.

When Jackson speaks, Griffin forces himself to listen. He doesn’t want to write off the parts of Theo that Jackson knew. Jackson tells the story of meeting Theo by offering him a ride. Griffin hates that someone else feels such a deep sadness over Theo, but he sympathizes because he and Jackson are the only ones who can understand this feeling. Jackson thanks Theodore for being there to change him and help him grow.

Griffin is relieved when the service ends, but he’d listen to thousands more stories of Theo if there were people to tell them. Tomorrow is Theo’s burial.

“Sunday, June 15th, 2014”

Griffin worries about his fixation on even numbers. When he and Theo were making out recently, he counted the kisses off in pairs to make sure they ended on an even kiss. It’s affecting other things too. Griffin is uncomfortable that today’s date is an odd number. He also keeps sneezing three times in a row because he has a cold.

Griffin and Theo sit in Griffin’s room and work on the zombie pirate puzzle. Theo isn’t sick, but he’s keeping Griffin company. Theo jokes about rebuilding the population with Griffin. Griffin is too scared to continue the conversation.

Griffin is cold, so Theo gives Griffin his green hoodie. Griffin thanks Theo, and Theo tells Griffin to keep it. They become more intimate and move to bed. Griffin is nervous because he’s sick, and this is his first time having sex with anyone. Theo asks if Griffin is sure, and Griffin confirms he is.

Griffin thinks about how weird it is for them to be naked in bed after years of hanging out as friends. At the end, Griffin is happy he had sex with Theo. He feels Theo’s love and hopes Theo feels his in return. Theo is enthusiastic about how this experience has changed him. He confesses his love to Griffin, and Griffin says it in return.

“Saturday, June 21st, 2014”

It’s Denise’s sixth birthday party. Theo and Griffin joke with each other about wearing princess dresses in keeping with the theme. Wade chimes in to remind them that he’s there too. Theo jokes about not hearing Wade. Wade and Theo have always had an antagonistic friendship. Griffin doesn’t want Wade to feel like a third wheel, but he and Theo are already making summer plans alone.

Theo and Griffin have decided to come out to their parents together, since both boys’ parents are at the party. Wade gives them privacy. Theo and Griffin take their parents aside and announce that they’re dating. All four parents react positively. Griffin’s mom hugs them, and his dad says he’s happy for them, but no more sleepovers.

Wade tells them to get together for a picture. Griffin is happy to be out to all the important people. He and Theo next plan to go public with their relationship on social media, but they aren’t in a hurry to do so.

“Tuesday, November 21st, 2016”

Griffin hates burying Theo on an odd day. Theo died on an odd day. Griffin remembered to bring calla lilies to the burial and leaves them on the casket with the rest of the flowers.

Griffin thinks about the alternate universes where Theo is alive and they’re still together. He thinks about different universes: one where Theo never left New York, one where Theo broke up with Jackson and returned to New York, and one where they’re surviving the pirate zombie apocalypse together. Picturing these universes existing out there somewhere is the only way Griffin can grapple with Theo’s death in this universe. He wants to believe alternate versions of himself are happy with alternate versions of Theo.

Griffin falls to his knees as Theo is deposited into his final resting place. Griffin vows to never let go of Theo. He refuses to move on. He’ll continue to talk to Theo.