Hijab Butch Blues: A Memoir

Lamya writes directly to Muhammad. She describes how Muhammad is an ordinary person until he hears a message from God revealing the Quran. Muhammad goes home to his wife, Khadijah, who tells him that Allah will take care of him.

At 21, Lamya had finally accepted that she was queer, but “like Muhammad,” she was afraid that it would ruin her life and relationships. However, she also had a community of people like Khadijah to support her.

Lamya decided to come out to her friends Rashid and Salwa from the mosque. She admired how they “[took] their Islam very seriously,” but she worried about their anti-LGBTQ+ bias because in the past, they had said prejudiced things such as referring to “the homosexual agenda” (123-24). She thought that they were more open now than they had been when they said those things. Lamya came out to Rashid and Salwa in the car on the way to a wedding. They were surprised but supportive. Over time, they became more supportive of other queer people in the Muslim community.

Lamya describes how Muhammad gradually shares his message from God with a larger community. One day, a man named Umar is angry that his sister has converted to Islam, but when he hears the scripture, he tells her to take him to Muhammad. Umar tells Muhammad that he believes “in God, [his] God” (128). Lamya wonders if Muhammad was afraid when he saw Umar approaching and imagines how relieved he must have felt in that moment, when someone is “invit[ed] into your world” (128).

Lamya got breakfast with a friend she had known in undergraduate school. Lamya had noticed that she was spending less time with people to whom she had not come out. Her friend told Lamya that she was looking for a husband, and Lamya told her friend that she is queer. The friend was accepting but later criticized a man whom she had gone a date with for telling her that he was bisexual. When Lamya objected, her friend told her that it’s different in Lamya’s case because she was “private” with her feelings instead of telling everyone. Lamya felt happy and relieved at first but later felt terrible for “playing the part of the good queer” (134).

Lamya describes Muhammad sharing the message of Islam publicly with the people. His uncle is angry and tells him to stop. Later, another uncle counsels him to keep his beliefs private, but Muhammad refuses.

Lamya observes that although she did not confront her friend, they gradually fell out of contact, and Lamya began making different decisions about what she would tolerate in friendships.

A new friend invited Lamya to a birthday brunch with a lot of other queer people. Lamya felt nervous but excited to attend. She was having a good time until one of the guests said that he was happy to have been introduced to her because “[he] would otherwise have studiously avoided the religious Muslim in the room” (140). Lamya resented having to play the part of “Good Muslim” who wouldn’t inconvenience them with her religious practice. She went home and cried.

Lamya describes how Muhammad and the other early Muslims are treated like pariahs in their community. Then, she tells the story from Surah ‘Abasa in which the community leaders want to pay Muhammad to stop preaching Islam. While Muhammad argues with them, a poor, blind man named Abdullah approaches Muhammad and says that he wants to learn the Quran. Muhammad turns away and continues to talk with the leaders. Later, God reprimands Muhammad for trying to convince people in power with words instead of through good deeds, helping those like Abdullah. From this story, Lamya learned that she should not try to fit in so much with the “cool kids” that she betrays her values and begins to hate herself.

Lamya attended a local LGBTQ+ Muslim meetup. She felt happy and excited to meet new people whom she connected with and to pray side-by-side with people of all genders. There, she met a confident person named Zu, who agreed to be Lamya’s “Queer Life Mentor” (148). Lamya felt like she was “finally” home.

Lamya describes how Muhammad slowly builds his community of followers of Islam. Then, God guides him to the city of Madinah, where he is welcomed by the inhabitants. He finds his home there.

When Lamya was five years old, she spent a lot of time sitting in the car with her mother and brother waiting while her father ran errands. To keep them entertained, her mother would tell stories. Her mother’s favorite story was about Asiyah, the wife of Pharaoh. Even though the Pharoah was a tyrant, Asiyah prayed to Allah instead of complaining. She was kind and patient.

Lamya’s mother would tell Lamya, her friends, and her cousin who had trouble conceiving a child about how Asiyah was a role model for faith and patience. The woman leading religious study described Asiyah as an example because even though her husband was controlling, she never got a divorce, “the deed that’s most hated by Allah” (154).

Lamya describes how her cousin married an American man who was controlling and abusive, had an addiction to alcohol, and was desperate to stay in the United States. One day, Lamya’s mom told Lamya that she was upset because the cousin planned to divorce. She blamed the husband’s abuse and issues with addiction on the cousin and said that the cousin should have tried to act more like Asiyah.

Lamya describes how she ended up in the US out of desperation, but she often felt out of place and faced prejudice. For example, one day, she planned a trip to the art museum. When she walked in, the security guard stopped her and went through her things. Lamya began to cry, and the guard let her go. She felt like she couldn’t “do anything right” (160).

One of Lamya’s friends from where she grew up became friends with Lamya’s mother. Her friend had gotten married, and her husband was abusive. One day, Lamya’s mother called to tell Lamya that they were trying to convince Lamya’s friend to stay with her husband. She told Lamya that her friend should put up with the husband’s behavior like Asiyah because the friend had nowhere else to go.

Lamya spent a lot of her time in the United States getting and renewing visas and travel documents. It was a stressful experience. When working on her graduate thesis, there was a problem with her visa application. Her documents from Immigration Services were accidentally sent to her old address, so she could not respond in time. Lamya panicked, thinking that she would have to leave the United States. As she processed the information, Zu called and told her that she’d “figure it out” because she had nowhere else to go (167).

Soon after, Lamya got a call from an old friend living in Seattle. The friend told Lamya that she had married a controlling and physically abusive man named Bilal. Lamya told her friend what Bilal was doing was not okay. The friend said that she wanted to leave Bilal but didn’t know where she would go. The next day, Lamya told her mother about the situation. She was angry when her mother again evoked Asiyah as an example and said that the situation probably wasn’t as bad as her friend was making it seem.

Lamya’s job helped her get a new work visa. She had to travel back to the country where her parents were living to get it approved at the US Consulate. The timing was very tight, and they got her stamped visa from the FedEx office only hours before her flight back to the United States. After graduate school, Lamya got her green card. Even after she received it, “the feeling of not being from here, that [she] might be asked to leave at any moment, of being trapped” never left her (173).

Lamya’s cousin, old friend, and friend in Seattle all got divorced eventually. Lamya looked in the Quran and hadith (moral guidance passed down by oral tradition from the prophet Muhammad) for information about what happened to Asiyah but found nothing. In her memoir, she makes up her own ending for Asiyah, imagining her slipping away in the night on a horse helped by people to whom she had been kind. Lamya pictures Asiyah living with someone who loves her in a community that supports her fight against injustice. When she is old, her adopted son, Musa, comes to visit her with his children. Lamya thinks that Asiyah dies in her sleep and goes to a house in paradise that is “a lot like the house in which she died” (175).

Lamya decided to stay in the United States to build a life and a more just community there.