Hate List

“Ever since I was a little kid, every time I got into trouble, I’d lie on my bed and stare at those horses and imagine myself hopping on one of them and riding away.” 

Valerie, facing the prospect of her first day back at Garvin High after the shooting, seeks an escape, yet again, from the troubles she faces. Valerie locates anything she can to escape the reality of her life. Rather than confronting her fears, her dark nature, and her bullies, she looks to the horses to take her away, but they remain motionless, unable to help her.

“‘It’ll be tough,’ Dr. Hieler had warned, ‘You’re going to have to face a lot of dragons.’” 

This references a common literary symbol, the dragon, a biblical and mythical allusion that guards a gate leading to a hero or heroine’s goal. For Valerie, Dr. Hieler refers to her bullies, those that choose to remember her as a villain, but he also refers to her inner demons, how she bullies herself and blames herself for what happened. When Dr. Hieler says this, Valerie tells him facing dragons is nothing new for her. However, she finds that without Nick, her old friends, or other modes of support that facing her dragons turns out to be much harder than she anticipates. 

“The air felt crisper than usual—felt like winter was on the verge of rushing in on us rather than spring. Like right now the day was the warmest it was going to get.” 

This foreshadowing closes Chapter 1; as Valerie waits for the bus that will eventually lead to the fight with Christy Bruter, the broken phone, and the mass shooting at Garvin High, Valerie feels the cool air, atypical for May. 

“Sometimes, in my world where parents hated one another and school was a battleground, it sucked to be me. Nick had been my escape.” 

Valerie says this in reference to being bullied at school and her parents fighting at home. She takes refuge in Nick because he also understands how it feels when one’s home life is unstable and school is no better. The reader understands students like Nick and Valerie have no safe place to go. This leads to making bad choices (the hate list) in an attempt to create an ersatz sense of control.

“Nick had stolen from me, from all of us, that day. He didn’t just steal our innocence and sense of well-being. He had somehow managed to rob us of our memories as well.” 

Valerie tries to explain what Nick took from Garvin, examining the ways the school has changed after the shooting. Out of fear and horror, students abandon the Commons, become guarded around strangers, turn their backs on their friends, and allow the shooting to define their high school experience. Students no longer hold onto memories of dances, times with friends, or learning experiences.

“‘All this security is going to make our mornings get off to a slow start, I’m afraid.’ Mrs. Tate sighed. ‘But, of course, this way, we’ll all feel safer.’” 

Mrs. Tate refers here to the increased security presence at Garvin after the shooting and acknowledges how this process slows down the morning procedures, while offering only the illusion of security. An interesting thing about Mrs. Tate’s words is that she specifically says people will feel safer; she does not say people will be safer, a debate people often have regarding security and violence prevention in schools.

“It was kind of weird because eventually they were all so busy hating each other, they forgot about hating me.” 

This thought occurs to Valerie during her class with Mrs. Tennille, on her first day back, when the students begin fighting about the shooting after Ginny Baker rushes out of the classroom. At first, the students focus on Valerie, but, eventually, their old rivalries supersede their anger at Valerie, and they begin arguing about who has the right to grieve over the tragedy and who really bears the blame for what happened that day. Mrs. Tennille loses control of the class as Valerie draws her classmates with question marks in place of heads and faces, revealing the immense confusion and unresolved anger still surrounding the shooting.

“Yeah. You’re right. But I could do it. I could totally blow those people up. It just wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.” 

Nick says this to Valerie while they are speaking on the phone one night; Valerie flips through a magazine, detached, as Nick discusses a recent school shooting. In this flashback, readers see how Valerie is distracted while Nick confesses his ability to commit mass murder. Given this statement, it is difficult to maintain there were no warning signs regarding Nick. After school shootings, people often come forward and say how surprised they were; statements like this reflect people’s blindness to how seriously these statements should be taken.

“Once I saw a documentary about different things the brain will do to protect itself.”

Valerie offers this reflection after she wakes up from the shooting and learns that Nick shot her. She is unable to process this information fully, and unable to remember the events of the day. She refers to the mind’s ability to dispel painful ideas, to block them out for the sake of one’s sanity. 

“His face, just a few moments ago grinning, had totally fallen. Almost withered. His cheeks had bright red patches on them and his jaw was trembling. I could almost feel the embarrassment and disappointment radiating off of him, could almost see him crumple into defeat before my eyes.” 

Valerie describes Nick’s face after Chris Summers throws a soda on Nick’s windshield in the movie theater parking lot. He and Valerie used Nick’s mother’s carto go out on a date, giddy to have a special night out together. After Chris throws the drink, Valerie notices how the event breaks Nick.

“So I hadn’t even noticed when the talk increased. Hadn’t noticed when it got personal. Hadn’t realized that Nick’s stories had become tales of suicide. Of homicide. And mine had, too. Only, as far as I knew, we were still telling fiction.” 

Valerie reflects on the emails and statements the police present to her, detailing conversations between Nick and Valerie about how much they hate their classmates and want to hurt or kill them. She marks how Nick’s language grows increasingly more violent, but also sees her words becoming just as ugly, which she now realizes encouraged Nick. The difference Valerie draws between her and Nick exists in her refusal to act on these threats, but she must acknowledge how hateful she had become when she reviews the list, the emails, and the texts. 

“My voice was tiny, but I was surprised to hear any voice there at all.”

This insight comes to Valerie at the end of her first session with Dr. Hieler. After suppressing her rage and pain during in-patient therapy with Dr. Dentley, Dr. Hieler, who Valerie perceives as open, comforting, and humble, offers Valerie control over her own recovery. As a result, Valerie agrees, quietly, after being silent for so long, and readers see what a victory it is for her to assert herself at all.

“In this office, anything can fly. No matter what is weighing it down.” 

Dr. Hieler makes this statement after Valerie comments on how much she likes a wooden hot air balloon in his office. Dr. Hieler explains to Valerie the significance of the balloon in relation to her recovery. Many troubles weigh Valerie down, but she can overcome them and rise above the things that seek to bring her down.

“Being a true outcast, without even other outcast friends, is tough.” 

Before the shooting, Valerie considered herself a loser, but now even her “loser” friends abandon her, leaving her completely friendless. She sees the difference between being on the outside and being on the outside without the support of other outsiders.

“They let anybody in those places. Even the disturbed kids. And we don’t want our daughter hanging around disturbed kids.” 

Katie Renfro’s parents make this statement to the press after their daughter suffers a superficial gunshot wound from a stray bullet during the shooting. Mr. Renfro vows to pull Katie from public school because he wants to prevent her from mingling with students like Valerie and Nick, who suffer from anger and depression. 

“‘A mother shouldn’t be surprised like I was.’” 

Mrs. Leftman admits this during a therapy session with Dr. Hieler, while she and Valerie argue about whether Valerie should attend the student council memorial meeting. The fight culminates in Mrs. Leftman admitting she fears Valerie will hurt the students that Nick failed to kill. Valerie’s mother claims she blames herself for the shooting because she raised Valerie and she missed the warning signs in regard to her own daughter. 

“The best way I can describe the feeling was that it was miraculous. Or maybe soulful. Or maybe both.” 

Valerie experiences this sensation the first time she paints in Bea’s art store. Attracted to the messy interior and Bea’s bohemian demeanor, Valerie enters the store. Finally feeling welcome someplace, Valerie is soothed by the experience of letting her emotions out in a productive way, rather than a hateful one.

“Everything had been pink. I think I burned myself out on pink. And then I burned myself out on black. I’m not sure.” 

As Valerie paints her toenails, she selects a shade of pink, instead of her trademark darker colors. The bottle of pink she wore when she was younger, left unused for so long, is almost too old to use. Valerie notes how she binges on one color, gets sick of it, then moves on to another, repeating the process. She had decided she is finally ready for some balance in her life. 

“And it was cool, this party. Nothing like Nick and I had guessed these parties would be.” 

At the party at Alex’s barn, Valerie thinks about this as she drinks a beer and dances with Josh, a popular boy at Garvin. Surprised at having a good time, Valerie reflects on how she and Nick automatically assumed a party with popular kids would be lame, a shared opinion that shows how Nick and Valerie, pre-shooting, had lost the ability to be objective.

“‘I didn’t like you…before. I can’t change that.’” 

Jessica Campbell says these words to Valerie as the latter walks away from the student council project. Here, Jessica refers to her bullying of Valerie, for example when she called Valerie “Sister Death” and Valerie put her name on the hate list. Jessica explains how she can’t undo the past and how she behaved, but she can attempt to be a better person and get to know Valerie now, given that Valerie’s efforts on the day of the shooting blessed Jessica with a second chance. This exchange demonstrates Jessica’s growth. 

“My parents were really pissed. I think they wanted to be able to blame it on someone who was still alive.” 

Ginny Baker makes this statement to Valerie when Valerie visits Ginny after Ginny’s suicide attempt. Ginny reveals to Valerie that she went with Jessica to exonerate Valerie after the shooting, even though it angered her parents. Ginny reflects that her parents also suffered a loss that day: their daughter lost her identity, and they almost lost their daughter. They want to see justice done; when Nick killed himself, he robbed them of the ability to do that. Ginny believes her parents, and many others, focus on Valerie because she is an easy target and scapegoat for the shooting.

“I’m there to see that what Mr. Angerson sees and what Mr. Angerson wants to see are two totally different things.” 

This statement comes from Valerie after she accuses Angela Dash of writing lies about Garvin High and its students. Valerie believes that Principal Angerson wants the community to believe bullying and cliques are a thing of the past; he also tries to claim students have healed from the shooting. Valerie wants the public to know that students like Ginny, who just attempted suicide, and Jessica and Meghan, who are plagued by nightmares, are still struggling on a daily basis to recover.

“Beneath the struggle there would always be that basic love, that safe place to come home to.” 

This thought occurs to Valerie as she watches her family in the audience at graduation. The statement reveals a stark contrast to the pain and conflict Valerie previously associated with her home life. Now part of a redefined family, she recognizes that sometimes people start over and become happier for it.