Grief Is for People

Crosley structures the memoir’s sections according to Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief. This theory describes the various mental and emotional states that a person may undergo when faced with the death of a loved one. The stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—have become a valuable tool for grieving people and bereavement counselors and organizations.

Born in Switzerland in 1926, Kübler-Ross was a psychiatrist known for groundbreaking work on dying and grieving, publishing the book On Death and Dying in 1969, which introduced the model. Kübler-Ross’s contributions to the field are extensive: She cofounded the International Work Group on Death, Dying, and Bereavement and worked throughout the 1970s and 1980s to establish hospice facilities and practices to aid both the dying and their families (“Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Biography.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Foundation).

Kübler-Ross stressed that the stages are not always clear, delineated categories, but rather descriptions of states to help describe and understand the feelings that a person experiences as they cope with death. The stages are not experienced in the same way by everyone and can overlap. Likewise, the stages are not necessarily experienced in a linear order, and there is no set or “normal” length of time for each stage. Though the precise nature of the stages can vary in how they manifest, they are defined in five specific ways.

“Denial” involves a difficulty believing or recognizing that the death has occurred. It is not a failing of logic or an inability to understand that a death has occurred, but rather a way to avoid confronting it to cope with the shock or intense feelings that death can evoke. In this stage, a person may attempt to ignore thoughts about the death or the deceased or refuse conversation with others.

In the “anger” stage, emotion can be directed at many sources. One might feel mad at themselves for failing to “prevent” the death or at other people directly or tangentially connected to the death; for instance, losing someone to cancer may cause anger toward doctors or medical personnel. The deceased person can be the target of the mourner’s anger. Placing blame on someone or something as the cause of the death often occurs.

The third stage—“bargaining”—is characterized by the mourner offering up a compromise or a promise in exchange for “undoing” the death of the loved one. The thoughts and beliefs in this stage may include “if only” statements or unrealistic promises.

The “depression” stage is often experienced while avoiding the “denial” stage: It involves experiencing unpleasant emotion such as sadness, frustration, emptiness, or worthlessness. Finally, “acceptance” brings about a coming to terms with death’s finality. It typically means that negative feelings are resolved, allowing the mourner to dwell on positive memories of the deceased (Fisher, Jennifer. “5 Stages of Grief: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One.” Harvard Medical School, 12 Dec. 2023).

In Grief Is for People, Crosley utilizes these stages, building upon them as metaphors and personalizing them to her experiences following her friend Russell’s death by suicide, which coincides with a burglary in her Manhattan apartment in 2019.