52 pages • 1 hour read
Matthew PerryFriends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing
Nonfiction | Autobiography / Memoir | Adult | Published in 2022A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Themes
The Nature of Addiction
Perry’s lifelong addiction to alcohol and drugs provided his primary motivation for writing Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing. Believing that he survived this experience to help others, the author attempts to define addiction and how it works. He also describes the devastating effects of substance use. While the book is dedicated to others living with addiction, it provides insight into the subject that will be relevant for a wide audience.
The author clearly distinguishes between people, like himself, who have alcohol addictions and “normies”—people who drink but do not feel compelled to do it all the time. His characterization of people without addictions as “normies” serves to establish a bond between Perry and those of his readers who have experienced struggles similar to his own. Perry initially realizes that he has an alcohol addiction by comparing his alcohol consumption to those around him. For example, he notices that while his father and friend Bruce Willis consume large amounts of alcohol, they also have an “on-off button” and can stop when it suits them (151). Perry defines this difference in straightforward terms: “Bruce was a partier; I was an addict” (151). Describing his agitation at an alcohol-free social gathering, he explains that, regardless of the event, he could not enjoy himself without drinking. He articulates his lack of control over the impulse with the following analogy: “If a police officer were to come to the door and say, ‘If you drink tonight, you’re going to jail tomorrow,’ I would start packing for jail” (151).
Throughout his memoir, Perry frankly conveys the realities of living with addiction. After a jet-ski accident, he develops an addiction to prescription opioids in addition to alcohol. His addictions become more burdensome and dangerous over time, as he needs to consume ever-increasing amounts of addictive substances to prevent withdrawal symptoms. Perry describes how, at the peak of his success, his life revolves around acquiring 55 Vicodin a day. He deceives those around him to conceal and satisfy his addiction, emphasizing the secrecy and shame that often come with addiction. The author is also candid about the debilitating physical effects of substance use, detailing his near-death experiences and repeated bowel surgeries.
Perry portrays addiction as an enemy within his brain that is “out to kill [him]” (2). While he achieves sobriety by the end of his memoir, he emphasizes that the battle against addiction is a lifelong project for him and fellow “sufferers.” Throughout the book, the author critiques rehabilitation centers that profit from detoxing patients with little attempt to address the root of their addictions. Perry argues that relapse is inevitable if patients are not taught the tools to remain sober long-term.
The Fear of Abandonment
Throughout his memoir, the author admits to a fear that anyone who becomes important in his life will leave him. Perry traces the origins of his “lifelong feeling of abandonment” (15) back to formative childhood events. He points to his parents’ divorce and his father’s departure to distant Los Angeles. He also describes the growing emotional distance from his mother as she worked long hours and eventually remarried. As a child, Perry felt that the love and attention he craved from his mother were increasingly inaccessible. For this reason, he reversed their roles, abandoning his mother to live with his father in Los Angeles.
As a child, Perry’s fear of abandonment was inextricably associated with air travel. His father left on a plane, and he worried that his mother might also be leaving on every overhead aircraft he saw. This association crystallized when, as a five-year-old, he flew from Montreal to Los Angeles as an “unaccompanied minor.” The fear and loneliness he experienced on the flight prompted feelings of inadequacy. Pondering why neither of his parents traveled with him, five-year-old Perry concluded, “If I’d been enough, they wouldn’t have abandoned me” (15). From this point in his life, the author defines himself as an “unaccompanied minor.” He reveals that he considered the phrase as the title for his memoir.
Perry describes the impact of his childhood abandonment issues in later life. His unfulfilled craving for his parents’ attention transforms into an obsessive pursuit of fame. Meanwhile, his feelings about love are conflicted. Perry yearns for love but also fears being hurt. Consequently, he replicates the trajectory of his relationship with his mother with romantic partners. Working hard to win women over, he then abruptly leaves them before they can reject him. In hindsight, the author recognizes the destructive nature of this behavior. As well as inflicting hurt on women who love and support him, he squanders many opportunities for happiness. As he ages, Perry describes his growing sense of being left behind as former girlfriends settle down and have families. At the age of 52, he acknowledges that his perpetual bachelorhood is “not that cute anymore” (13), expressing his wish for a life partner and children. The author’s large, luxurious home, shared only with his staff, emphasizes his loneliness. Ultimately, Perry reveals how his fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The Fantasy and the Reality of Fame
Perry is candid about his obsessive pursuit of fame. Despite developing a love of acting in his teens, he admits that being a “journeyman” actor would not have satisfied him. As a young man, Perry anticipated that becoming famous would make “all the pain I carried with me […] melt like frost in sunlight” (93). The memoir charts his achievement of fame when he joins the cast of Friends, along with the status and wealth accompanying it. However, the author suggests that fulfilling his ambition is an anti-climax. Contrasting the promise of fame with its reality, he attests that stardom is not a magical panacea to life’s problems.
Perry’s hunger for fame as a young man is conveyed in his prayer, “God, you can do whatever you want to me. Just please make me famous” (81). Shortly afterward, his request is granted when he secures the role of Chandler. In retrospect, the author reframes this appeal to divine powers as a “Faustian” pact, referencing the German legend in which the unhappy scholar Faust makes a deal with the devil, receiving unlimited power and knowledge in exchange for his soul. Perry’s use of this term suggests that the price God requires him to pay is his battle with addiction. The narrative repeatedly contrasts the apparent glamor of Perry’s fame with the author’s frank admissions about his life behind the scenes. For example, he reveals that, at the peak of his celebrity, he spends much of his time sourcing Vicodin from doctors and drug dealers.
Perry frequently highlights the futility of his celebrity status in the face of his overwhelming addictions. This point is illustrated when he watches his former girlfriend, Julia Roberts, accept an Oscar from a rehabilitation center. Not only is fame unhelpful in such scenarios, but Perry suggests it actively worsens the situation. The author outlines his lack of privacy as his first entry to a treatment facility becomes public knowledge. He also speculates that his wealth may have contributed to his addictions. Unlimited funds provide the means to pay for alcohol and drugs and guarantee repeated access to expensive treatment centers.
The author places his fame in perspective by comparing his position to those of his actor friends Craig Bierko, Hank Azaria, and David Pressman, who were equally obsessed with becoming famous. He emphasizes that while he achieved this ambition more successfully than any of them, he would have changed places with any of them to avoid his battle with addiction. He also concedes, “You have to get famous to know that it’s not the answer. And nobody who is not famous will ever truly believe that” (81).
