Dreamland

“In the mirror over my bureau I could see my face was scratched from where I’d hit the light switch, the skin around it a bright pink. No one had even noticed.”

This critical moment foreshadows the future moments when Caitlin will have an injury and her parents won’t notice. Her ability to hide what happens to her later in the novel is a source of sadness, and this is established early on in the novel.

“We had just heard the story recounted so many times over the years that it was easy to take the details and fold them into our own sparse memories, embellishing here or there to fill in the blanks.”

Memory is a core part of the ways that young adults form their identities. The inclusion of the concept that memory gets filled in by embellishment is an important note from Sarah Dessen to the reader to not trust every aspect of the narration. Memory is often impacted by trauma, so this also foreshadows the ways that Caitlin’s memories will fold in on themselves as she experiences abuse in her relationship.

“My mother had spent the last eighteen years just as involved in Cass’s activities as Cass herself was.”

Mrs. O’Koren’s overbearing involvement in Cass’s life is a core aspect of her identity and has negative ramifications on the family dynamics. Caitlin feels excluded from this intense interest, which leads her to feel like she is always second to Cass. This is part of the insecurity that fuels Caitlin’s poor self-image and allows Rogerson to take advantage of her and abuse her.

“What I was feeling was new for me, a bubbling up of anger, mixed with so many images from the last two weeks: my mother weeping; my father running his hand over his head, closing his eyes; Cass’s name doodled on the back of that envelope; her inscription to me in blue ink: See you there.”

One of the drivers on conflict in the text is Caitlin’s inability to fully process or talk about her emotions. The reflection that the anger is new to her is helpful, but she doesn’t choose to discuss it with anyone, leading to complicated internal feelings. The reference to dreamland also implies that Caitlin is locking things away, only to look at them again during her dreams.

“In all my life, going for the bronze, I’d never gotten a look like that before, and I knew if I quit, it would break her heart. It was like I’d somehow thrown her a lifeline, without even meaning to, and to let go right now meant she’d fall back into missing Cass and just drown.”

Caitlin’s relationship with her mom is increasingly complicated after Cass leaves. The inappropriate codependency that builds between them puts Caitlin in a position where her success becomes her mother’s. Mrs. O’Koren places undue pressure on Caitlin to perform, and Caitlin internalizes the importance of pleasing her mom to keep her from “missing Cass.”

“He didn’t look like Bill Skerrit or the rest of the guys I knew. He didn’t look like anybody.”

In Caitlin’s wealthy, homogenous community, Rogerson stands out as being very different from the other people she knows. His appearance is part of this: He intentionally wears his hair and clothing in ways that set him apart. Within Caitlin’s emotional difficulties, Rogerson stands out and appears very attractive to her, which is part of his hold over her.

“I glanced back at Rogerson. He lifted his chin at me, smiling. It was a gesture I would associate with him for the rest of my life.”

In a gesture of assent, Rogerson entices Caitlin to go with him instead of accepting Mike Evans’s varsity jacket. Despite the positive tone, the idea that Caitlin will remember the gesture for “the rest of [her] life” is sinister, implying that this moment will alter her future completely.

“I looked up at the noise, ready to change back to the steroid show, and saw my sister.”

Cass’s departure from the norm is sealed when Caitlin discovers her sister is working for a reality television show. Caitlin’s realization also creates a new way for her parents to prioritize her sister, as they begin watching the show religiously in hopes that they’ll see Cass.

“But Rogerson apparently had a lot of ‘long stories,’ some of which he’d shared with me when he drove me home from the Senior Center that afternoon.”

For Caitlin, part of Rogerson’s appeal is the fact that he is dangerous and has gotten into a lot of trouble. In fact, she only sees him at the Senior Center because he has mandated community service. While part of Caitlin knows that Rogerson is engaging in illegal activity and that this is wrong, she is mostly intrigued by his “long stories” and bad reputation. In many ways, her desire to be with someone like Rogerson serves as a parallel to her older sister’s own decisions.

“‘You know,’ he said thoughtfully, ‘you ask a lot of questions.’”

Rogerson is characterized as disinterested in Caitlin’s opinions or ideas. He begins establishing his dominance in the relationship by subtly implying that she shouldn’t ask questions or demand anything from him while they are together. This lays the groundwork for a power imbalance in their relationship.

“I had this wild thought that he was the only person in all this chaos who was just like me, and that was comforting and profound all at once.”

Caitlin’s assertion that her own sense is “profound” reveals her naiveté when it comes to her romantic relationship. Much of Caitlin's struggle is characterized as stemming from her difficulty with connecting deeply to others, and Rogerson provides a space for her to feel seen in her grief about her family situation.

“Right as he crossed out of my line of vision, his face now beet-red, he suddenly reached out and hit Rogerson, hard, across the temple. Rogerson’s neck snapped back reflexively, and he lifted a hand to shield himself.”

Before any physical abuse transpires between Rogerson and Caitlin, she has a window into the physical abuse that Rogerson experiences at the hands of his father. Dessen’s inclusion of this scene establishes that Rogerson’s behavior is related to his family of origin.

“In that one moment I’d seen some part of him that he kept hidden from the rest of the world—behind his cool face, his bored manner, his hair. I’d edged in past it all, and now I found my own place there.”

Witnessing Rogerson’s father hit him allows Caitlin a window into Rogerson’s vulnerability, which simultaneously puts her more at risk for experiencing dating violence and makes her more invested in staying with him. Caitlin’s tension eventually becomes that she feels she has a “place” inside of Rogerson, and yet he is physically violent and verbally abusive to her.

“The other option—that somehow, losing me would be less of a loss, never as hard as the one already suffered—was something I pushed out of my head each time it rose up, nagging.”

Caitlin is insecure that not only has she come second to her sister’s achievements but that she is less wanted than her sister by her parents. In this moment, she reveals this vulnerability. The fact that Caitlin is worried about being “less of a loss” is part of what makes it harder for her to leave her abusive relationship.

“But each time it got harder, and I knew I couldn’t wait too long.”

An underlying tension in the novel is the ways that Caitlin experiences sexual desire and moves toward losing her virginity. She watches the other young women around her feel aroused by their romantic partners and wonders when this will happen for her. When it does, she feels that it is difficult to resist Rogerson’s pull, and it isn’t until much later in the relationship that she feels that the abuse impacts her physical attraction to him.

“But what I liked most about Corinna was that she liked me. She was pretty, smart, and funny but I didn’t feel like I faded out when I was with her, like I always had with Rina and Cass.”

Corinna is a pivotal character in the novel who helps create the conditions for Caitlin to forge her own path. While Corinna isn’t portrayed as successful like Cass or Rina, Caitlin feels seen by Corinna in a different way. This type of authentic relationship is missing from Caitlin’s life and gives her strength as she begins to determine whether or not she can escape her relationship. Later, it will be Corinna’s bracelets that Caitlin wears to represent the courage she draws from her friendship.

“But all the while, my mind was on Rogerson, seeing him in my mind driving across town, angry and wondering why I, too, had somehow let him down.”

Caitlin begins to show signs of consistently anticipating Rogerson’s reactions, inciting fear and worry. This is also the start of the dissolution of her trust in Rogerson, as she begins feeling that she cannot meet his expectations or be there for him in the way that he needs.

“When he hit me, I didn’t see it coming. It was just a quick blur, a flash out of the corner of my eye, and then the side of my face just exploded, burning, as his hand slammed against me.”

The first time that Rogerson is physically violent toward Caitlin, she is caught by surprise. The immediacy of the pain creates cognitive dissonance as she tries to understand what happened. Part of the impact of abuse is that the victim is placed in a position where they must process physical harm while remaining in the same space with their abuser.

“And even as life settled back to normal, and we never discussed it, there was a part of me waiting, always braced and ready for him to do it again.”

Caitlin’s developing hypervigilance is a direct result of the abuse she is experiencing. This begins to infringe on her ability to make decisions and feel in charge of her own life, as she spends a significant amount of psychological energy to predict Rogerson’s possible behaviors.

“But I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell anyone. As long as I didn’t say it aloud, it wasn’t real.”

As the abuse in her relationship escalates, Caitlin feels that she has to keep it inside. This is one of the most important aspects of the first-person narration in the novel: Dessen reveals the complex internal decisions that Caitlin must go through daily. By not saying it out loud, Caitlin tries to keep herself from feeling that her abuse is “real.”

“It’s like I’m shrinking smaller and smaller and I can’t stop it. There’s just so much wrong that I can’t imagine the shame in admitting even the tiniest part of it.”

Through relationship violence, many victims experience a diminishing of their personal value. Caitlin’s feeling that she is “shrinking smaller and smaller” illustrates the intense psychological toll of experiencing verbal and physical abuse; she no longer feels comfortable taking up space the way that she might have before.

“I rubbed the grains between my fingers, like charms, then took a deep breath and stepped into that bright, bright light.”

As the novel moves toward the climax, Caitlin begins collecting her courage to make a change. In this critical scene, she gathers grains of sand from the park where she received a childhood injury and keeps them in her pocket as she prepares to face an angry Rogerson. Caitlin’s collecting of the grains of sand reflects her increasing ability to draw on strength from her relationships with others, which will be an important skill as she moves toward recovery.

“I wanted to be a girl that could wear a dress like this. Instead, the girl in the mirror looked back at me, and I hardly recognized her.”

The loss of identity that Caitlin experiences is reflected by her feeling that she cannot wear the beautiful dress her mother bought her. Her dissociation from her former self is the result of the abuse she has experienced, and part of her healing process will be to find herself in the mirror again.