Dibs in Search of Self: The Renowned, Deeply Moving Story of an Emotionally Lost Child Who Found His Way Back

“The darkened sky gives growing room for softened judgments, for suspended

indictments, for emotional hospitality. What is, seen in such light, seems to have so many possibilities that definitiveness becomes ambiguous. Here the benefit of a doubt can flourish and survive long enough to force considerations and limitations of human evaluation.”

Dr. Axline draws on metaphor to explain the concept of withholding judgment of patients. To her, it is important to do this because it allows a psychologist to remain open to all possibilities of how and why. She admits that she does not know everything about psychology, children, or Dibs; in fact, Dibs knows more about himself than anyone else ever will. If a psychologist allows themselves to remain in the dark, control is (rightfully) left in the hands of their child patient.

“It was incredible. Here she was, in the best scientific manner, offering me some data to study. Not a child in trouble. Not her son. Some raw data. And she made it very clear that she did not expect any change in the data.”

When Dr. Axline meets Dibs’s mother, she is taken aback by her cold attitude toward her son. It becomes clear that Dibs’s mother plays a part in his problems, that her expectations of him have influenced his reclusion. This first encounter foreshadows many others, as well as Dibs’s mother revealing how she pushed Dibs to use his abilities and ended up pushing him away.

“Every child needs time to explore his world in his own way.”

As a child psychologist and humanist, Dr. Axline recognizes the importance of allowing children to take the lead as they develop a sense of self. She provides a safe playroom that is free of judgment and in which Dibs can be or do whatever he pleases.

“Here was a child very capable of great intellectual achievement, whose abilities were dominated by his emotional disturbance.”

When Dr. Axline observes Dibs in the playroom and sees he can read, spell, arrange things in sequence, and more, it is clear that he is withholding his abilities. She wonders what caused Dibs to deny himself, but believes in his growth and continues to exercise objectivity.

“The child must first learn self-respect and a sense of dignity that grows out of his increasing self-understanding before he can learn to respect the personalities and rights and differences of others.”

Dr. Axline believes there is a direct relationship between a child’s feelings toward themselves and their feelings toward the world. If a child, like Dibs, does not respect or love himself, he cannot be expected to respect and love others. This Humanistic Approach to Child Therapy is still in use today.

“He sat on the edge of the sandbox, silently looking at the scattered figures. Then he began to pick out some of the figures and separate them into similar types.”

Dr. Axline often draws on alliteration to add style and emotion to her narrative (“sat,” “sandbox,” “silently,” and “scattered”). She describes these moments of play from a humanistic perspective, and as such, captures the earnest nature of her child patient.

“I’ll get you now, you fighting man. Standing there so stiff and straight. Like an old iron railing from a fence, you are.”

Young Dibs uses alliteration (“standing,” “stiff,” and “straight”) and simile as he talks to a toy soldier, a representation of his distant father. His manner of speech is beyond his years, and the more comfortable he becomes with himself, the more he openly speaks as himself.

“This is a piece of nothing. This is what nothing looks like.”

Dibs is able to think in an abstract sense and describe things in this way as well. When he picks up a piece of torn cardboard, he calls it “nothing”—which shows he has a sense of value. This ties into his complicated relationship with his own intelligence, as his mother constantly pushed him to prove himself in the past.

“I felt that his symptoms suggested definite brain damage.”

Dibs’s parents have long judged and misunderstood him. His mother was certain he was gifted, but when he refused to use his abilities in her presence, she rejected him and thought something was wrong with him. It took several years for Dibs’s mother to realize that she actively contributed to Dibs’s problems. This quote demonstrates how easy it is for people to misjudge others for not being neurotypical.

“Suddenly we were just two frightened, lonely, unhappy people with our defenses crumpled and deserted. It was terrible—and yet a relief to know that we could be human, and could fail and admit that we had failed!”

Dibs’s mother speaks with a poetic inflection, which Dibs likely picked up from her. By sharing her and her husband’s sense of failure over Dibs with Dr. Axline, she finds relief and is able to work through this failure of parenting.

“The complexity of human motivation and behavior is demonstrated over and over again. There is no single isolated experience or feeling that triggers reaction patterns. There is always an accumulation of experiences intertwined with highly personal emotions, goals, values, that motivate the person and that determine his reaction.”

Dr. Axline explains the complexity of human existence and the nuances of an individual’s personality. A common approach to child psychology during Dr. Axline’s time in the mid-20th century was operant conditioning, introduced by B. F. Skinner. She believed children and adults alike are too complex to be conditioned, and that who they are is never the result of a singular experience.

“Little by little, I got into the sand.”

Dibs reflects on his progress in the playroom by talking about how each week, he becomes more comfortable getting in the sandbox. The sand is messy and unpredictable, and his statement is a metaphor for his emerging willingness to engage with the messier, unpredictable side of life.

“Oh airplane, tell me! How high can you fly? Can you fly up to the blue, blue sky? Can you fly beyond the sky? To the clouds and the winds that hold fast the rain up there so high? Can you fly? Tell me, lovely airplane, can you fly?”

Dibs sings a song as he plays with an airplane flying over a miniature town. He often sings or talks about freedom, planes, and birds, expressing a desire to rise above everything that holds him down. He continues to demonstrates a strong sense of poetic style.

“If he seemed to be a little frightened by what he had just played out, and if he sought for himself a retreat into the safety of a discussion about some material things—like clocks—I would not rush him into any probing of his feelings. He had already made some very concise, affective statements in his play.”

One of Dibs’s defense mechanisms is to avoid lingering on painful topics. He often plays out dark scenarios and thoughts in the playroom, releasing years of anger, frustration, and pain so he may rise above them. Sometimes, the emotional aspect of his play is overwhelming, and it is during these moments that he retreats to discussing material objects. Dr. Axline uses a Humanistic Approach to Child Therapy and does not push Dibs to share his feelings.

“And Dibs standing by a little window, looking out at the bigness.”

Dibs looks out the window at the vast world around him—a world he feared but is now learning to love. The moment is a metaphorical glimpse into Dibs’sconsideration of endless possibilities, and how he comes to see himself as bigger with increased self-acceptance.

“So young. So small. And yet so full of strength.”

Despite his age, Dibs possesses great strength. He is able to confront his fears, anger, and pain in the playroom, and does so willingly and triumphantly. It is clear that Dibs inspires Dr. Axline, who often marvels at the way he quickly learns to handle himself and his world.

“It’s a time you can be the way you want to be. A time you can use any way you want to use it. A time when you can be you.”

Dibs asks Dr. Axline what therapy is, and she explains it from a humanistic perspective, describing it as a time in which people are free to be. This approach to child therapy changed the field and continues to be used in psychology and education today, due to its prioritization of the patient’s self-knowledge.

“Oh red, angry paint.

Oh paint that scowls.

Oh blood so red.

Oh hate. Oh mad. Oh fear.

Oh noisy fights and smeary red.

Oh hate. Oh blood. Oh tears.”

Dibs sings poems about each color of the rainbow, drawing on metaphor and personification as he does so. He sees the color red as one of anger and pain, and by singing this song, relieves himself of these emotions.

“The locked doors in Dibs’s young life had brought him intense suffering. Not the locked door of his room at home, but all the doors of acceptance that had been closed and locked against him, depriving him of the love, respect, and understanding he needed so desperately.”

The quote’s locked doors are a metaphor for Dibs’s life prior to therapy. He shut out the world, and his parents shut him out; this resulted in his rejection of his abilities and people. Dr. Axline repeats the idea of locked doors, emphasizing the impact they had on Dibs’s sense of self.

“He had to change first. He had to be bigger than I.”

Dibs’s family experiences healing as a result of Dibs’s personal recovery. Dibs’s mother admits that her son has been the bigger person in their situation, opening up to his mother and forgiving her so she can improve in return. Although parents are often involved in a child’s therapy, in Dibs’s case, his individual recovery forever changes his family’s group dynamic.

“His search for self was a tedious, troubled experience that brought him increasing awareness of his feelings and attitudes and relationships with those around him.”

Dibs’s journey comprising The Pains and Joys of Finding Oneself was filled with every emotion. It was both painful and joyous, easy and difficult. Through his efforts, Dibs got to know himself, what he is capable of, and how to forgive the faults of others.

“I guess maybe I am growing up.”

In one of Dibs’s last sessions, he self-reflects and realizes he is growing up. He demonstrates this symbolically by replacing a child-sized figure of himself with an adult figure, and later throwing away a baby bottle.

“As you said you wanted it. As I said I wanted it. As we said we wanted it.”

Dibs often speaks poetically, repeating phrases as if reading a classic novel. He looks back on his time in the playroom with fondness, valuing it as his time, his way. His transformation was a team effort, one in which Dr. Axline played a major role.