Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

The authors open this chapter with an illustration of what life is like for people brought up in dysfunctional families, comparing someone in this situation to an alien from another planet, a being ill-prepared to navigate life on Earth. According to the authors, “God’s world is set up with laws and principles. Spiritual realities are as real as gravity, and if you do not know them, you will discover their effects” (82). Like aliens from outer space, people will inevitably be lost without understanding the nature of these principles. Based on this premise, the authors outline Ten Laws of Boundaries.

Law 1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping refers to the cause-and-effect relationship between actions and consequences, which is a natural part of life. People without healthy boundaries often step in to interrupt this process in order to help someone else avoid negative consequences. Laws 2-10 address different aspects or ideas of how boundaries are meant to operate in the following order: responsibility, power, respect, motivation, evaluation, proactivity, envy, activity, and exposure. With the exception of envy, these terms refer to positive, prescriptive aspects of boundaries. When people are envious, they remain trapped in a vicious cycle of dissatisfaction and discontent, which prevents them from establishing healthy boundaries by way of comparison to what others have and they don’t. Conversely, the law of responsibility empowers a person to take charge of their own life while also encouraging others to do the same.

The authors open this chapter by defining what a myth is—“a fiction that looks like a truth” (101). As people try to implement boundaries in their lives, they often fall victim to unhelpful myths that distract them from the hard work they must do in order to establish said boundaries. The first myth about boundaries is that setting boundaries is an inherently selfish act, which separates and isolates one from others. The second myth is that boundaries are an act of disobedience, a slight against God’s purpose for humans. While this may be true in some cases, it is not universally or objectively true. The third and fourth myths address people’s fear of being hurt by others or hurting others themselves by establishing boundaries. The fifth myth debunks the idea that setting boundaries is a sign of resentment and anger. While having one’s boundaries violated may produce these emotions, boundaries are not intrinsically an act of anger, but a step towards emotional well-being. The sixth, seventh, and eighth myths relate to people’s reluctance to face potential emotional hurt, feel guilty, and permanently burn bridges. In addressing each myth, the authors argue that fictions as a whole keep people trapped in cycles that rely more on fear than courage.