Before the Ever After

In this section, Woodson creates an increased feeling of uncertainty in ZJ’s world. Before things started changing, ZJ’s life had a lot of stability. Now, neither he nor his mother knows what will happen next. This feeling both frightens and frustrates ZJ. How he navigates and copes with these feelings drives both his character development and the novel’s plot. 

The poem “Real Fiction,” explains, “On Saturday mornings / I read novels about stuff like guys running / or playing ball or just being with their friends” (27). In this poem, Woodson shows readers why telling stories based on reality is important to her in general and this book in particular. ZJ explains that he’s stopped reading other book genres and only reads realistic fiction these days because it features, “[r]eal / problems that real people could have / and the stories not always ending / with some have happily ever after. But still / most people seem to end up / okay” (28). This poem foreshadows and confirms what ZJ will eventually understand: that things will not end happily, but some goodness will stay the same after everything else changes. 

“Real Fiction” also alludes to the title and the novel’s inverted structure. The happy part of the “ever after” is at the beginning of the story, before things change. The actual “ever after” is not so happy; it is life after everything has changed. Realistic fiction mirrors real life for ZJ because it shows people going through those ups and downs. With this poem, Woodson foreshadows the novel’s ending is neither happy nor sad. ZJ has concrete evidence that this is how life works. His friend Ollie’s story proves he is living in an “ever after” moment, too. In his introductory poem, ZJ explains that Ollie’s story started with tragedy because Ollie is an orphan, but he has a family now, including a father figure in Zachariah, Sr. 

Since the plot meanders through ZJ’s memories, the inciting incident is more of a series of events that occur over time. However, one incident stands out in the context of both time and events: New Year’s Eve 1999. In 1999, many Western societies worried that the world would end because computers might not compute the new year (2000), which might cause banks to bust, markets to crash, and the world to descend into chaos. Woodson uses this moment and its symbolism to bring an end to ZJ’s world in the novel. The boys turn out the lights on New Year’s Eve after ZJ’s father yells at them. ZJ’s words express the confusion and hurt that they all feel, “My daddy never yelled at us kids. / So in some kind of way, / the world as we’d always known it / had already ended” (35).

From this moment, life for ZJ becomes more uncertain, and the father he felt close to changes due to his illness. In “Migraine,” ZJ expresses how much these changes make him feel afraid, “But I’m not hungry anymore. I’m scared. / My daddy was a mountain, a football star, / 223 pounds of tight end. // My daddy was the world. / I want to go back to the mountain and / turn the world around” (49). These words reference a song ZJ and his friends are learning to sing in chorus at school. The lyrics are from “Turn the World Around” and refer to finding one’s heritage and identity, despite living in a world that does not always reflect or welcome diversity and inclusion. The song comes from a 1979 episode of The Muppet Show and was written and performed by Harry Belafonte, a famous Caribbean-American singer. Belafonte was active in the American Civil Rights and Black Power movements. In comparing his father to the mountain in this song, ZJ is saying that he’s losing some of his identity because of the changes in his father. He wishes he could go back and fetch it. 

Woodson shows Zachariah Sr.’s decline affects the small moments that defined his and ZJ’s relationship. In “Prayer,” ZJ comes home and shares an afternoon snack with his mother when normally this would be the time he spends with his father. Instead, Daddy goes up the stairs and slams the door, avoiding ZJ altogether. In “Driving,” the doctor tells Zachariah Sr. that he can’t drive anymore, eliminating the “Man Time” ZJ and his father normally share in the car to and from school. “Waterboy” depicts a conversation between father and son, where Zachariah Sr. tries to tell ZJ stories from his past, but he can’t remember all his friends’ names. ZJ has to supply the names, especially repeating Uncle Willy Daily every few minutes. All of the men in the stories are ZJ’s “uncles,” indicating that his father has forgotten his closest and dearest friends’ names.

Woodson includes a few moments of clarity and happiness, keeping a spirit of optimism, or the hope for an okay ending, alive. In “From Outside,” ZJ recalls an evening when the family eats a good meal, then dances to music. ZJ reflects, “maybe it looks / crazy and beautiful, / the house with the lights dimmed to gold and / the three of us moving through that light, / chasing the clouds away” (47). This image of gold light chasing the clouds away symbolizes ZJ’s optimism.

Still, the back and forth make ZJ and his mother more afraid and frustrated. In “Middle of the Night,” ZJ hears his father moaning in pain and follows his mother down to the kitchen, where she’s making tea. He asks her, “Is Daddy gonna be okay?” (57). She tries to be reassuring but ends up choosing honesty, “I don’t know, ZJ. I really don’t” (58). They both confess how afraid they feel. Then, the tea kettle whistles urgently, signifying that matters have gone from bad to worse. 

ZJ’s mother’s uncertainty and anger reflect the reality of knowing that something is wrong and knowing that the professionals won’t tell the truth about what’s wrong. In both, “The Whole Truth” and “Too Many of Them,” ZJ overhears Mama and Bernadette (Ollie’s mom) talking about how too many football players are having symptoms like Zachariah Sr.’s. She and Bernadette list other football players who are behaving strangely: “Harrison can’t say his alphabet,” Mama tells her. / and he was premed in college” (73). Mama goes on to say, “Too many of them [...] are going through some kind of thing. [...] Zachariah isn’t the only one / suffering, And yet [...] the doctors act like this is new. // I’m not the only football wife out here, [...] who thinks they’re lying” (74). Both ZJ’s and his mother’s responses show what families and friends of football players were going through at this time. These changes—shaking hands, forgetfulness, anger, confusion, and debilitating migraines—are symptoms of a degenerative brain disease called chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). At the time of the story, some doctors, scientists, and NFL officials covered up the connection between the players’ symptoms and the brutal concussions they experienced while playing American football games. People, especially those close to these players, like ZJ and his mother, had their suspicions. 

In “Tackle,” ZJ explains the time his mother made him promise to never play tackle football without a helmet. ZJ remembers this moment in the context of learning more about his father’s illness. It is as if the memory helps him to realize the connection for himself as he recalls, “My dad probably holds the Football Hall of Fame record / for the most concussions. Even with a helmet on” (32). He goes on to explain, “I don’t think Mama really likes football, / but she won’t say that, / [...] just says I love you, ZJ—body, brain and soul” (32). Her past warnings indicate how she knew that doctors weren’t being truthful later. She’s known the risks of injury to the brain all along.  

By showing the effects of CTE on ZJ and his family, this novel becomes universal. Since CTE is a disease that affects many football players and boxers, this novel could be about several boys and their fathers. It emotionally applies to anyone whose family member experiences a disease that erodes their brains, erases their memories, and creates pain in their bodies. 

ZJ’s fear and the weight of his father’s illness come crashing down on him in the final poem of Part 1, which represents the end of ZJ’s hoping his father will recover. The poem’s title, “When it Feels Like the Whole World is Screaming,” symbolizes the chaos that ZJ experiences both internally and externally. In the poem, his father begins to scream from the pain in his head and yells, “I don’t know where I am anymore” (85). He runs out of the house and down the street, screaming into the night, while ZJ hides under the kitchen table with his fingers in his ears. Soon, the police sirens start screaming as well. The officers bring ZJ’s father back, and he screams and moans all night. ZJ compares his father’s screaming and moaning to a song, “But in the place where the music should have been / it was just lots and lots of pain” (87). Woodson places this poem in the middle of the book to represent the emotional high point of the novel.