Before the Ever After

“When you love a thing, little man, my dad said, 

you gotta love it with everything you got. 

Till you can’t even tell where that thing you love begins

and where you end.” 

Zachariah Sr. often talks to ZJ about how much he loved football. He encourages ZJ’s love for music throughout the novel. ZJ brings up this lecture from his father later in the book. In “You Love a Thing?,” he introduces his friends by telling readers what they are passionate about. Later, he’ll recall his father’s words in another context, underscoring the importance of passion and following dreams as a part of the character and plot development in this story.

“It feels right

and clear 

and always.” 

This final stanza in “Who We Are and What We Love” describes how ZJ feels about his friendships with Darry, Daniel, and Ollie. At the same time, this stanza represents ZJ’s mindset before his father’s illness. ZJ felt sure and confident that things will always remain the same. That certainty shatters when his father becomes ill. This stanza also contrasts with the final stanza in “Everett,” which will show the change in ZJ’s mindset from the beginning to the end of the book.

“I don’t remember how old I was, but 

I remember my daddy’s smile.”

In “Unbelievable,” ZJ recalls the first time his father heard one of the songs he wrote. It’s a song about pizza and summer and being with his father. The memory of his father’s smile represents a bonding moment and the tenderness and mutual admiration between father and son.

“that’s why I like realistic fiction. Real

problems that real people could have

and the stories not always ending

with some happily ever after. But still

most people seem to end up

okay.” 

Woodson reveals her reasoning for using realistic fiction to tell stories in “Real Fiction.” In the second half of the final stanza, ZJ’s reflections on realistic fiction reveal his hopes for the future and foreshadow the novel’s ending.

“My daddy never yelled at us kids.

So in some kind of way,

the world as we’d always known it

had already ended.” 

ZJ and his friends, like many people all over the world, stay up on New Year’s Eve 1999, looking for signs that the world is ending. Instead, the world ends inside his home when his father yells at them for the first time and forgets who ZJ’s friends are. This moment in “Maplewood, 2000” marks a major turning point in the novel and the clear beginning of Zachariah Sr.’s illness.

“And even though I sound like a little kid, 

I say it anyway. I just want him to be Daddy again.”

ZJ’s conversation with his grandmother reveals his true feelings. In “Deep Water,” ZJ uses a term that his grandmother used with him when he was about to get himself into trouble. In this context, ZJ uses “deep water” to reference the uncertainty and fear he feels because of his father’s behavior changes. 

“All right already, touch, then, the kid says. 

Even though, he says, touch ain’t even really football.”

In “Two-Hand Touch,” ZJ’s mother forbade him to play tackle football without a helmet. So when ZJ plays for fun, he insists on the two-hand touch rule. This child’s words represent prevailing attitudes about the essential nature of football—that it’s not a real game, or not a man’s game, if there’s no brutal tackling involved. This prevailing attitude likely contributed to why the NFL tried to cover up the link between CTE and tackling concussions for so long. Learning that the game causes deadly brain damage raises questions about the game’s rules and whether it’s necessary to endure the risks to enjoy the sport. 

“Some days he seems just like that tree. 

Like he’s not his whole self anymore. Like one by one 

somebody or something took his branches.” 

“The Trees” compares ZJ’s father to the tree in Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree, a story poem about a tree that gave everything of itself until there was nothing left. The tree did it out of love. ZJ reflects that his father seems like the tree; later, he learns that for better or for worse, his father’s fate is an outcome of how much ZJ is loved. Like the tree, his father has given him nearly everything. 

“After I sing And then there’s the morning the final time 

I play a riff on my guitar, kinda slow, blues—like 

I’m real deep in thought around all the things 

I’m worrying about.”

ZJ writes a blues song on his guitar to express his hope that things will change one day. “And Then There’s the Morning” is another example of the music motif. Music is a vehicle of emotional expression for ZJ, a way to express his continued hope that what is happening to his father has an easy solution.

“Too many of them, Mama says, 

are going through some kind of thing. 

Headaches and rages, memory loss 

and fainting spells. Zachariah isn’t the only one 

suffering. And yet, Mama says, 

setting her coffee cup down hard, 

the doctors act like this is new. 

I’m not the only football wife out here, Mama says, 

who thinks they’re lying.” 

In “Too Many of Them,” Woodson uses Mama’s conversation with Ollie’s mom, Bernadette, to reveal some of the scary symptoms of CTE, which continue to go unexplained. Her suspicions reflect the common feelings football player’s wives (and other family members) often expressed at the time. The men’s behavior was so drastic, and the explanations were too dismissive for people to trust that doctors were telling the truth. Mama’s determined statements also explain why the family spent so much time going to doctors in three different states.

“One Saturday, Darry, Daniel, and Ollie show up

at my house so early, I still got

my pj’s on. Under their jackets

they got on pj’s too. 

Darry’s wearing ones with Batman

on the shirt, and Daniel’s are covered

in blue and pink poodles. He says 

I dare y’all to try to laugh

at these jammies my grandma sent me.” 

This Saturday morning moment in “Friends” represents one of many moments of pure joy and innocent childhood we see throughout the novel. Characterizing ZJ and his friends as innocent, fun-loving children is essential to Woodson’s countering the master narratives about Black boys. Woodson uses the details of their pajamas, language, and behavior to create vivid images of the boys as children. This moment also reveals how the friends support one another. The use of “show up” in the first line has two meanings: the boys arrive at the house, and the boys are there for ZJ in his time of need.

“Sometimes

there’d be the beginning of tears

in his eyes. I didn’t know why then.

But I do now.

It’s hard to stay a hero.

It’s like everybody’s just sort of waiting

for the minute you fumble the ball

or miss a pass

or start yelling at people when

you were never the kind of guy

to yell before.” 

Woodson takes a rare moment to acknowledge the outside world’s perception of Zachariah Sr. as a hero and what he might be feeling as that perception of him fades. In “Pigskin Dreams,” ZJ empathizes with his father because Zachariah Sr. confessed to him that he always wanted to be “somebody’s hero.” Being able to understand his father’s feelings helps ZJ make peace with the challenges his family faces. He starts to find ways to remind his father that he is loved and appreciated no matter what people say.

“I feel like someone’s holding us,

keeping us from getting back to where we were before

and keeping us from the next place too.” 

In “Back Then,” ZJ compares his feelings to a football penalty given for tackling or holding onto the wrong player. The metaphor works to express his feelings in two ways. There’s both the feeling ZJ expresses in the quoted words and the implied meaning that ZJ’s father wasn’t supposed to be tackled so much in the first place. At this time, ZJ’s family has just learned that it is possible that the tackling and concussions have something to do with Zachariah Sr.’s illness.

“There’s not a name for the way

Daddy’s brain works now.

The way it forgets little things like

what day it is and big things like

the importance of wearing a coat outside

on a cold day. There’s not a name

for the way I catch him crying

looking around the living room like

it’s his first time seeing it.” 

“The Broken Thing” shows what symptoms of CTE are like both for the person experiencing it and for their loved ones. ZJ’s father expresses an irrational fear of going outside one day, which makes ZJ feel afraid and helpless. His father expresses feeling the same. 

“The music stays the same. 

The way it makes Dad remember. 

The way it makes him smile, tell the stories 

about the songs

that he’s always told me.” 

Music helps ZJ and his father connect and stay connected. Because it is one of the few things he remembers, Zachariah Sr. and ZJ can talk about music. Zachariah Sr. can also remember memories associated with some songs, which provides material for the music that father and son make together. These music-related memories, particularly here in “Before Tupac and Biggie,”  also help ZJ recall some of the most important stories his father has ever told him, stories that form Zachariah Sr.’s legacy.

“I know what it is. To just need

to have your boys around you.

Cuz they’re your boys and something about them

surrounding you

makes you know everything’s going to be okay.”

The Fantastic Four go to a park trail surrounded by trees to create a sense of safety. ZJ knows the need for that sense of safety and comfort very well. “The Trail” shows the boys offering comfort and support to Darry in the wake of his parent’s separation. It depicts a moment of the boys expressing empathy and love for one another, countering some master narratives about boys in general and Black boys in particular.

“And I bet that one day, when I’m all grown

and in my own house,

I’ll still be on these walls—

licking an ice cream cone,

with a lame haircut,

looking good in a new suit

smiling with my arms

around my boys.

I’ll still be on these walls

making Mama and everyone else too

Smile

and remember.” 

Thinking about all of the photos of him that exist helps ZJ to see how much he’s loved. The photographs contain the memories that the family fears Zachariah Sr. lost. This poem, “A Future With Me In It,” represents ZJ’s realization that as long as there are photographs, and someone who loves him (or his father) to look at the photographs and remember, that the family hasn’t lost everything. 

“Then, still holding my notebook, he says You got talent, ZJ, 

his voice breaking. Then he hugs me so hard

it almost hurts but doesn’t

because it’s all cushioned up by his words

and by the proud look I see flash across his face,

a look I remember from a long, long time ago.” 

ZJ and his father have just finished singing a ballad that ZJ wrote about wanting the snow (a metaphor for his father or the loving moments frozen in his memories) to last forever. The song makes Zachariah Sr. swell with pride. ZJ connects his father’s expression to the smile he gave him in “Unbelievable.” Music continues to reinforce their bond and great love for one another.

“We invited the people who keep coming around,

the few friends who ask How are yall doing and wait 

for our honest answers.” 

This list poem, called “Invite List,” lists everyone who the family did not invite to Zachariah Sr.’s birthday party before ending with a small list of who they did invite. ZJ’s family has not invited anyone who was only around for the glory days. They have only invited those whose relationships with the family are rooted in love and support. The poem serves as an example of both the before and after motif. It shows the distinction ZJ makes between his inner circle and outsiders. 

“Then I think about my daddy again,

and without saying a word to anyone,

without even taking my ball back from them,

I walk off the field.

Swearing this time it’ll be forever.” 

In “Football,” ZJ and his friends agree to play a game of two-hand touch that includes a 2-time 8th grader named Everett. Everett is known for breaking the rules, and he tackles ZJ, causing his lip to bleed. The moment represents a final turning point for ZJ. Throughout the novel, it has been more difficult for him to play any form of the game because it reminds him of his father’s illness. Playing football also might remind ZJ that the world doesn’t know or care how serious the injury-related illness is. His walking away without taking the ball back further underscores the finality of his swearing off football forever. 

“The words move around in my head.

Sounding heavy

and hard

and forever.”

In the boy’s bathroom, Everett issues a reluctant and sarcastic apology. Everette tries to connect with ZJ, but he keeps offending him. The whole conversation weighs on ZJ, making him feel worried about the future, and reminding him how afraid he feels that his father may never get better. This stanza from “Everett” is in direct contrast to the certainty and optimism ZJ felt at the beginning of the novel.

“I said I want to write a blues song, Daddy, 

and sing it just for you. 

The doctor said the music is 

the only thing getting you through.”

Seeing music comfort his father renews ZJ’s fervor for writing and composing music. By now, doctors have confirmed that music helps his father remember things, which further inspires ZJ to write songs for his dad. This quote from “Maplewood Blues Song” is about connecting the past to the present and the future. ZJ’s inability to complete it shows that he cannot understand the present or predict the future enough to put it into words. 

“This is a whole nother kind of pigskin dream

to have your boys surrounding you,

telling you they got you,

their hands on your shoulders,

their arms around your neck.” 

This quote is from “Company.” When ZJ’s father has an episode that puts him in the hospital, the Fantastic Four gather around to comfort ZJ at school. ZJ compares the feeling to “pigskin dreams,” a phrase Zachariah Sr. used to describe his big dream to become a professional player. ZJ’s use of it here shows that feeling loved is one of his greatest dreams.