50 pages • 1 hour read
Amir Levine, Rachel S.F. HellerAttached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2010A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 4, Chapters 11-12Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 4: “The Secure Way – Sharpening Your Relationship Skills”
Part 4, Chapter 11 Summary: “Effective Communication: Getting the Message Across”
Chapter 11 begins with Lauren’s story. Confused about the lack of physical contact between her and Ethan after a few dates, Lauren uncharacteristically asks Ethan about his intentions. Through their open dialogue, Lauren discovers early on that she and Ethan are not compatible and that Ethan has been struggling with his sexual orientation. Levine and Heller praise Lauren for her open communication.
The authors propose two goals of effective communication: to determine if a potential partner is compatible and to ensure an individual’s needs are being met. Effective communication also provides a healthy outlet for attachment needs and encourages one’s partner to engage in open dialogue. By judging the reaction of one’s partner in the moment, the communicator receives helpful information that can alert them to potential warning signs.
Aware of the difficulties anxious and avoidant partners face with open communication, Levine and Heller address each group with tips to improve communication. Using real-life examples, Levine and Heller encourage readers to practice effective communication and find satisfaction in romantic relationships. They provide specific advice for both anxious and avoidant partners, including when exactly effective communication may be most helpful for each respective group. For anxious partners, they suggest communicating openly when noticing themselves using protest behavior. For avoidant partners, they advise communicating openly when noticing a strong desire to flee the relationship.
Levine and Heller propose five principles of effective communication. They state that effective communication demonstrates emotional vulnerability, focuses on personal needs rather than a partner’s faults, specifies needs and issues, avoids blaming, and offers no apologies for valid needs. As a resource, the authors outline the process of engaging in open communication and recommend writing a script to prepare. Levine and Heller incorporate a guide with questions to aid the reader in discovering the topic of their script. The chapter ends with a table of various situations with the ineffective and effective ways to communicate in these situations.
Part 4, Chapter 12 Summary: “Working Things Out: Five Secure Principles for Dealing with Conflict”
Although people assume that secure partners rarely clash, Levine and Heller argue that argument frequency does not determine relationship satisfaction, but rather the topic of disagreement and how couples communicate their issues. They specify that disagreements also provide couples opportunities to grow closer. The authors categorize conflicts into two categories: arguments about daily life and arguments about intimacy. Secure partners thrive in navigating arguments about daily life as they exhibit a willingness to compromise.
Five principles govern how secure partners resolve conflict. Secure partners demonstrate concern for their partners’ well-being, focus on the issue, stop themselves from generalizing, engage in conversation actively, and openly communicate their needs and feelings. Encouraging readers to implement these principles, the authors provide specific examples of how these principles work in increasing satisfaction within relationships. Levine and Heller also suggest using the biological elements of attachment by cuddling actively to trigger the release of oxytocin, a hormone and neuropeptide (chemical messenger) that “serves as a social cohesion hormone by increasing trust and cooperation” (252).
While secure partners incorporate these principles in their communication, anxious and avoidant partners rely on protest behavior and withdrawal to avoid direct communication. Levine and Heller summarize these avoidance tactics and include a list of communication pitfalls to avoid during conflict. They advise partners not to lose focus of the issue, degrade to personal attacks, retreat from conflict, and forget the well-being of their partners.
As a resource, the authors incorporate a worksheet that asks readers to evaluate various situations and whether their partners use secure or insecure principles of communication:
Marcus responds poorly to his girlfriend Daria’s concerns about a singles’ trip he has planned prior to their relationship and focuses on the potential loss of money rather than the issue; he uses insecure principles when he should stay focused on Daria’s concerns. Daria expresses guilt over confronting Marcus and apologizes for being too demanding; she uses insecure principles by ignoring her needs rather than continuing to communicate them openly.
In another example, John explains to his frustrated wife Ruth that he is not responding to her concerns about their daughter because he is exhausted and focused on driving; he uses secure principles by not becoming defensive and expresses himself directly.
When Steve invites Mia out with his friends, she expresses her frustration over their lack of alone time in the form of a joke, which causes Steve to withdraw; both use insecure principles by not communicating clearly or confronting the issue.
After Emma shares her negative feelings about Todd’s admiration of other women, Todd lashes out and tells Emma that his actions are harmless; while Emma employs secure principles to address her issues, Todd uses insecure principles by not considering Emma’s well-being and attempting to justify his behavior.
In the last example, Shannon apologizes to her husband Dan after he confronts her about ignoring his sister; she uses secure principles by deescalating the conflict.
Part 4, Chapters 11-12 Analysis
Part 4 focuses on effective communication exhibited by individuals with a secure attachment style. For example, Chapter 11 uses Lauren’s story to explore the benefits of engaging in open communication. Levine and Heller document the way Lauren employs the principles of effective communication to gain useful information about her compatibility with her romantic interest, Ethan. Through Lauren’s example, the authors showcase the benefits of engaging in dialogue and aim to persuade readers to follow their guidance.
Levine and Heller employ rhetorical questions as titles of sub-sections throughout Chapter 11. Titles like “Why Use Effective Communication?” and “When Should I Use Effective Communication?” aim to echo readers’ thoughts, as demonstrated by the first-person point of view (223, 233). Anticipating the questions that may arise from their audience, Levine and Heller pose questions before offering answers. Levine and Heller also address readers with anxious and avoidant attachment styles by titling two sub-sections, “if you’re anxious” and “if you’re avoidant” (226, 229). Earlier chapters of Attached guide readers through the process of determining their own attachment style. Now Levine and Heller provide readers the opportunity to read sections that apply to them directly. The authors also aim to simplify their material and render it accessible through the use of lists. For example, they create a list detailing the principles of effective communication and summarize their knowledge about effective communication into five principles.
To help readers improve their communication and convey that change is possible, Levine and Heller construct worksheets and visual guides. At the end of Chapter 11, the authors suggest readers “formulate a script of the message [they] want to covey” to a partner (238). Cognizant of how difficult this may be for anxious and avoidant partners, Levine and Heller divide the process of writing a script into smaller sections focused on one question at a time. These educate readers on The Importance of Understanding Attachment Styles and provide an interactive exercise to implement change.
Chapter 12 focuses on secure partners. The authors present a model that readers can aspire to by detailing the principles of secure partners, which enable them to navigate and resolve conflict. The chapter breaks down these “five secure principles of resolving conflict,” then explores the insecure tendencies in conflict with these principles (245). Levine and Heller format these insecure tendencies in a text box of their own, which separates the summary from the full body of the text and aims to allow the reader to access the information quickly.
To solidify their audience’s knowledge and application of these principles, the authors end the chapter with an interactive exercise that asks readers to evaluate the reactions of six different romantic partners and to determine whether these reactions represent secure or insecure tactics. Confident in readers’ ability to apply the knowledge they have gained, the authors expand the scope of the exercise by asking readers to reimagine each scenario from the secure attachment perspective. By having readers adopt the tactics of secure partners, Levine and Heller hope to reinforce the importance of attachment styles in impacting relationships, encourage readers to reinvent themselves as secure partners, and challenge readers to apply the knowledge they have gained.
