Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

Present within the brain, the attachment system is a biological mechanism that builds attachment to attachment figures, which can include parents, children, and intimate partners. The attachment system also regulates attachment. The attachment system activates when separation occurs between attachment figures. As a result, certain emotions and behaviors emerge as a means of reestablishing connection. Levine and Heller describe how lack of awareness of one’s attachment system leads individuals, particularly those with an anxious attachment style, to struggle in intimate relationships. The categories of attachment style inform the kind of attachment system activated. While anxious individuals exhibit a sensitive attachment system, avoidant individuals deactivate their attachment system to avoid intimacy. 

Protest behavior occurs when the attachment system is activated. In children, protest behavior may manifest as uncontrollable crying. In adults, it may manifest as excessive calling, withdrawal, threats to leave, or even hostile actions. Protest behaviors are attention-seeking actions that attempt to reconnect with an intimate partner, and can hinder direct communication and escalate conflict. Levine and Heller warn about the damage protest behavior can inflict on relationships; they advise readers to learn to identify their use of protest behavior and “find more constructive way of handling difficult situations” (88).

The dependency paradox states that the earlier and more fully an individual can build dependence on their partner the more independence that individual will build. Seemingly contradictory, the dependency paradox subverts arguments against codependency featured in popular dating advice. Levine and Heller discuss the benefits of depending on a secure partner, including the development of more confidence and independence. The dependency paradox is particularly counterintuitive for individuals with an avoidant attachment style who mistakenly believe that dependency on an intimate partner threatens their independence.

While protest behavior emerges when the attachment system is activated, activating strategies are initial thoughts and feelings that lead to protest behavior. These thoughts and feelings can include obsessing over a partner, recalling only positive traits, feeling anxious, and “believing this is your only chance for love” (81). Like protest behavior, the goal of activating strategies is to reestablish closeness with an intimate partner. Once intimacy is restored, activating strategies begin to dissipate. Activating strategies and protest behavior do not always disappear at the end of an intimate partnership; they can continue in the absence of a partner.

In opposition to activating strategies, deactivating strategies seek to stop intimacy rather than reestablish it. Typically seen in individuals with an avoidant attachment style, deactivating strategies suppress the need for intimacy. Examples of deactivating strategies include proclamations against commitment, focus on imperfections in partners, flirtation with outsiders, and refusal to express love. Levine and Heller clarify that deactivating strategies are typically implemented unconsciously “to make sure the person that you love (or will love) won’t get in the way of your autonomy” (118). The authors warn of the dangers of these strategies, as they can prevent individuals from finding true human connection.