Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2021

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Summary

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Introduction, Chapters 1-2

Chapters 3-4

Chapters 5-6

Chapters 7-8

Chapters 9-10

Chapter 11-Conclusion

Key Figures

Themes

Index of Terms

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

Chapters 9-10Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Chapter 9 Summary: “Places We Go When We Search for Connection”

To desire connection is a part of the human experience. Belonging is an “irreducible need” for all people since humans are social beings. Brown believes that belonging is the opposite of fitting in or “hustling for approval” (158) when we conform to the appearance or behaviors of a group. She says that “true belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are” (158).

Brown defines belonging as “a practice that requires us to be vulnerable […] and learn to be present with people without sacrificing who we are” (159). The pain of feeling that we do not belong (at work, with friends, with family, etc.,) or having “belonging uncertainty” (165) has an impact on our lives. We can experience deep pain when we feel we don’t belong in small or larger contexts. Brown shares the story of her organization’s postgraduate social work fellow Paola Sánchez Valdez, who shares the deep belonging uncertainty she experienced being “undocumented” (166). This is why Brown believes belonging is a “critical component of diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) work” (168).

Next, Brown explores connection, which is “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued” (169). Research shows that connection is an evolutionary necessity and “core motivation in people’s lives” (169). Disconnection is just as detrimental to our survival as connection is important. Brown explains that disconnection in relationships or larger settings can even cause a lack of connection with ourselves. Neuroscience research shows that the feeling of disconnection can actually cause physical pain. To avoid this, we might hide the parts of ourselves we fear won’t be accepted or pretend we don’t need connection. Brown says, “this is a recipe for loneliness, and, for me, blame” (172). Another way of avoiding vulnerability is by falling into perfectionism. Research called the “perfectionism social disconnection model” shows that being a perfectionist can actually cause rejection from others.

When we fall short, we can also feel insecure or invisible. When we are insecure, we can “push others away or pull away from others” (174), which can fuel loneliness. Similarly, when “an individual or group’s humanity and relevance are unacknowledged” (175), we feel invisible. Brown points out that invisibility can be “its own form of stigmatization” (177) for marginalized individuals and groups.

Finally, Brown points out that loneliness, “the absence of meaningful social interaction” (179), is different from being alone. Humans are social beings and rely on social connectedness. Loneliness is correlated with depression and an increased likelihood of dying early.

Chapter 10 Summary: “Places We Go When the Heart Is Open”

In this chapter, Brown explores the “places that we go when the heart is open” (183), which range from love to betrayal. Love is difficult to define, and Brown says that artists and poets do a better job than researchers—which is why her definition is so long. She believes that love “is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated” (187). Love is cultivated when we vulnerably share ourselves and honor others who share who they are with us. Brown draws from bell hooks’ work to explain that systemic injustice and oppression come from a “deep, collective lovelessness” (187).

Heartbreak hurts more deeply than disappointment because “heartbreak is always connected to love and belonging” (188). Heartbreak comes from a loss of love, which is why love is to risk being devastated by heartbreak whether from losing a relationship, a loved one, a job we deeply cared for, etc. Brown says that losing her pet Daisy was deeply painful but worth it because it meant she had loved Daisy deeply: “The brokenhearted are the bravest among us—they dared to love” (191).

Next, Brown explores trust and self-trust. She uses Charles Feltman’s definition that trust is “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions” (191). Brown believes that trust is complex and made up of a combination of boundaries, accountability, integrity, etc. This applies to us trusting others or trusting ourselves. Brown states that when we experience or cause pain, we often lose trust in ourselves. She uses her 25 years of sobriety as an example of how she has learned self-trust by protecting what she values.

Betrayal, like heartbreak, is more painful than other disappointments because “at its core, it is a violation of trust” (194). Betrayal can trigger other emotions, which makes it a lasting and painful experience. Betrayal can be from an individual or an institution. This often leads to cover-ups, which leave the victim feeling deeply betrayed because their human dignity is sacrificed to protect the reputation of the organization.

Brown also defines defensiveness as a way “to protect our ego and fragile self-esteem” (196). She contrasts this to grounded self-confidence, which is open to feedback, even if we need to take a moment when we become overwhelmed, etc. When we become so overwhelmed in conflict it is “virtually impossible” to have a conversation, it is called “flooding” (197). Citing research from the Gottman Institute, Brown explains that recognizing flooding and taking a break can help our bodies and nervous systems better participate in a conversation.

The final place we go when our hearts are open is hurt, which is an emotional woundedness or pain. The term “hurt feelings” might seem simple, but Brown thinks it is accurate. Hurt feelings can be expressed with or turn into a variety of other emotions, like anger, sadness, etc.

Chapters 9-10 Analysis

These two chapters focus on emotions and experiences that are related to relationships. In Chapter 9, Brown explores the importance of connection and belonging. In Chapter 10, she further explores the variety of positive and negative experiences that happen when “the heart is open.” Each of these experiences reiterates the themes of human connection.

Throughout Atlas of the Heart, Brown explores both self-understanding and connection with others, which she believes are inextricable. In this section, she reiterates the importance of human connection and how feelings of belonging are not “frivolous” but essential to our wellbeing. She explains how recent research building on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs has shown that “finding a sense of belonging in close social relationships and with our community is essential to well-being” (154) because humans are a social species. In Chapter 10, she similarly explains how essential experiencing love is: “Love and belonging are irreducible needs for all people. In the absence of these experiences, there is always suffering” (159).

Once again, Brown shows how understanding an emotion or experience has implications for us as individuals and also for our social groups and cultures. In the absence of belonging, individuals are subject to heightened anxiety and suffering. Brown emphasizes how essential belonging is for true DEI work. She believes this so much that her organization refers to it as “DEIB,” which includes belonging: “People should feel a strong sense of belonging in an organization and shape the culture through representation, co-creation, influence, and that inextricable, unnamable, spiritual connection that is shared humanity” (168).

Brown shows other threats to connection and belonging, such as loneliness, isolation, defensiveness, and flooding. Here, Brown reiterates the importance of recognizing our experience instead of numbing or ignoring our feelings. For example, loneliness is a significant predictor of overall wellbeing. Brown claims that we often exalt independence and pretend we aren’t lonely on our own despite the fact our species is meant to be connected. She draws on social neuroscience research from John Cacioppo and William Patrick, who explain that “To grow into an adulthood for a social species, including humans, is not to become autonomous and solitary, it’s to become the one on whom others can depend” (179). Loneliness is a genuine threat to the way we are wired.

In Chapter 9, Brown builds on the idea of near enemies by showing the difference between connection and fitting in. While they might seem similar, they are fundamentally different. Brown believes that “true belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are” (158). On the other hand, fitting in can require us to hide or change elements of our true selves to feel accepted. This is similar to the idea of lovelessness she introduces in Chapter 10. Brown, inspired by bell hooks, believes the lack of loving value for who people are is what leads to injustice and systemic oppression.

Brown also reinforces the theme of vulnerability and courage. To experience belonging, love, etc., we have to be vulnerable. These two chapters show a series of juxtaposed emotions: connection and disconnection, love and lovelessness, belonging and fitting in, trust and betrayal, etc. To experience one, we have to risk the other. Brown says, “Everytime we love, we risk heartbreak” (190). What makes betrayal and lovelessness so wounding is that we have opened ourselves up to someone else by trusting or loving them. While belonging, love, and trust, are some of the most incredible parts of the human experience, they require vulnerability and courage. Brown urges, “belonging is a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are” (159).