Anything But Typical

“But the thing people see most is silence, because some kinds of silence are actually visible.” 

Jason can speak, but it is very difficult. When people speak to him or ask questions it can take a very long time for him to respond, or he may not know how to respond at all. He usually says only a few words at a time. People assume that because he stays silent he doesn’t have much to say, or that his cognitive function is very low. His silence is visible in that it leads people to identify him as non-verbal and make assumptions about his internal experience. 

“I know from experience that she is trying to help me, but it doesn’t. I can feel her weight on my shoulders like metal cutting my body right off my head.” 

When the librarian tries to help Jason, she places her hands on his shoulders and guides his body. This passage demonstrates how very uncomfortable unwanted touch is to Jason, helping the reader understand just how sensitive Jason’s brain is to external stimulation.  

“If you don’t, people make the assumption that you do not feel what they feel. And then they make the assumption- that you must not feel anything at all.” 

Just as people assume that Jason is unintelligent when he doesn’t speak, they also assume that he doesn’t have feelings because he does not use words or facial expressions to show emotion. Jason reveals a complex interior world through his writing, and is actually a highly empathic, caring, and emotional young man.

“I think it is much harder for NT’s to listen than it is to talk. This is something I have noticed over the years.” 

Jason’s ability to observe the people around him is especially keen because he talks so little. He deeply listens to understand what people want from him, and because he cares. His quiet nature makes him a great observer of society, an important quality in a writer.  

“The best thing about Jeremy is that I don’t ever have to answer him, not with words anyway. And I don’t ever have to look him in the face. He doesn’t even want me to. He likes to talk to me while he is watching TV or reading one of his comic books.” 

Jason and Jeremy have a very special sibling relationship. Jason is more comfortable with Jeremy than with anyone else because Jeremy communicates with Jason on his level, rather than expecting Jason to conform to neurotypical standards. Jeremy is the only person in Jason’s life who fully understands him, and in turn, Jason understands Jeremy at a deep level as well. 

“Why do people say things they don’t really mean? No one has given me a very good answer to that.” 

Jason could never imagine saying something untrue to manipulate someone else or to make a social situation less awkward. Because he speaks literally and doesn’t understand this part of human social interaction, he particularly struggles with the fact that people say things they don’t intend.

“If I lived in the story, I wouldn’t need my mother. I wouldn’t be homesick when she goes out. And she’d be happy.” 

Rebecca writes a story about a civilization of individualized people who don’t need anyone else for anything. Jason wonders if this is what his mother wants, as she seems so stressed out by his dependence on her. Jason knows that he is deeply attached to his mother for love and comfort, but he feels that she does not want him to be. He feels pressured to grow up and not be so needy. 

“Like they came from a whole other strand of DNA. So you can put the mother and her child right next to each other and they look nothing alike […] the big D and the little d face in completely opposite directions. They don’t even look at each other. But they are related […] They are a family.” 

This metaphor expresses Jason’s feelings about his family. Like letters, he and his family are nothing alike, but they are in relationship with each other. He mentions the difference between the mother and child specifically because this is the most fraught relationship for him. Jason knows he is different from his dad and brother, but he feels at ease around them. He feels stronger and more conflicting emotions with his mother, as if they were from separate strands of DNA. 

“By third grade, I was behind in almost everything else: verbal skills, social performance, physical aptitude, and age-appropriate behavior.”

When Jason was a toddler, people were impressed with his ability to spell and read, even calling him a genius. He describes the painful decline from genius to falling behind his peers. Along with losing his status as a genius, by third grade he also lost the ability to maintain strong social relationships with peers, causing him to feel further isolated and embarrassed.  

“BLNT. Better luck next time. I just made that up. Maybe next time was my brother, Jeremy.”

Jason carries a heavy burden: His parents are disappointed to have an autistic son and saddened by his atypical development. He doesn’t reference this feeling often, but this line reveals his fear that his parents had Jeremy to get a second chance at having a normal son.  

“A narrator can be unreliable […] There is a famous book like that, where the narrator is lying.” 

Jason alludes here to the narrator of The Catcher in the Rye, Holden Caulfield. Jason and Holden are similar in that they are young men using writing to express their misunderstood inner selves to the world. This allusion also clues the reader in to the fact that Jason knows he is not always presenting both sides of his story, portraying himself as the victim when he may have more responsibility for his behavior than he accepts.  

“He has his family, who are all normal height. That is the way it happens. He could even have normal-sized kids, if he got a girlfriend and then got married. If that ever happened.” 

Bennu is a vehicle for Jason to talk about himself and his fears at a slight remove. Still, from this passage, we know Jason worries that being autistic will prevent him from ever having a girlfriend or getting married and having a family. 

“Bennu is the Egyptian word for phoenix. For Phoenix bird.” 

Rebecca’s screen name, PhoenixBird, inspires Jason to name his protagonist Bennu to send Rebecca the message that he is really paying attention and hopes she will know how much he likes her. The symbolism of the phoenix becomes important later when Rebecca rejects Jason and he has to resurrect the strength to write again.

“I know that we learned that no two snowflakes are alike. Of the billions and hundreds of billions, no two are exactly the same.” 

Jason uses snowflakes as a metaphor for the many possible configurations of genetics and environment that ensure no two people are ever exactly alike. He wishes that people human uniqueness as a positive, the way they do for snowflakes, instead of forcing conformity. 

“Teachers don’t like it when kids are laughing, unless it is because they have made a joke they think is funny, and then they get upset if the kids don’t laugh.” 

Jason makes astute observations about the adults around him. Because he looks for patterns of behavior in order to avoid getting in trouble or making a social faux pas, he often notices quirks of human behaviors and describes them with wry wit. His deadpan delivery makes his words of truth quite humorous; without his writing, no one would know how funny Jason can be. 

“Boys are not supposed to cry. I learned that about the same time I figured out that my mom and dad couldn’t make everything all right.” 

Jason reveals that he has internalized cultural expectations of masculinity. He doesn’t cry when his dog dies, or when his parents leave the house. His mother assumes that because he doesn’t emote, he does not love her or feel as deeply as other people do, but through his words we learn that he is intentionally holding back his tears because he believes that is what is expected of a man.

“The most important thing to do when you are writing a story is to find a dilemma for your character to grapple with. You can have the greatest, most interesting characters […] you can have something really important you want to say, but […] you need conflict […] basically, something bad has to happen.” 

This passage is an example of foreshadowing. Since any good story features conflict, which has not yet arrived in Jason’s memoir, we know that something bad is coming, and we have enough clues to suspect it will have to do with Rebecca.  

“Around real writers whose characters come to life in their minds so real they can hardly tell what they are trying to say from what their character is actually saying.” 

Jason notes that real writers can become so engrossed in their writing that they lose the boundary between themselves and their characters. This suggests that Jason experiences this with Bennu and emphasizes how important Bennu (and his writing in general) is for Jason: Through his characters, he gets the chance to say what he really thinks. 

“It’s easy to feel bad about yourself. And then even worse.” 

Jason knows how easily he can criticize himself: He carries a lot of shame and deals with embarrassment on a daily basis. To thrive, he must learn to stop his negative self-talk, a universal struggle for middle schoolers. He conveys the common experience of becoming embarrassed and then losing all self-esteem afterward.  

“She is clicking and spinning. Then she is making noises from her mouth. Now her hands are around her head, in her hair, like she tells me not to do.” 

Elizabeth, Jason’s mom, self-soothes in a manner similar to Jason when he loses control of his body and flaps his hands and pulls his hair. This scene allows the reader to question how much of Jason’s behaviors are related to autism and how much to the environment he is growing up in. He and his mother seem to have more in common than she realizes, and her anxiety produces a great deal of tension in Jason. Yet, they have compassion for each other and love each other deeply. 

“Rebecca has finally seen me and suddenly not seen me at all.” 

The moment that Jason has agonized over has finally arrived. Rebecca has seen him in person, recognized him as having autism, and now avoids him. His wish to be seen as the normal 12-year-old boy with a talent for writing has been destroyed. Although he is devastated, he also holds on to a piece of himself when he says that she has not seen him at all—there is more to him than autism.  

“Our stories, our fiction, our words will be as close to truth as can be. And no one can take that away from you.” 

Jason’s writing teacher at the Storyboard conference encourages people to keep writing no matter what. Jason needed to hear these words: They help him overcome his desire to quit and convince him to persevere. The idea that he can claim his own identity and piece of reality through his writing is critical to his self-esteem and desire to keep moving forward. 

“We never really see ourselves the way other people see us. I will just do the best I can.” 

Jason has finally understood that no matter how well he writes, there will always be a disconnect between his perception of reality and someone else’s. He will use his writing to help bridge the gap. No one will ever fully know what it’s like to be Jason, but his words can certainly bring us closer to understanding.