Almond

“‘Granny, why do people call me weird?’ Her lips loosened. ‘Maybe it’s because you’re special. People just can’t stand it when something is different, eigoo, my adorable little monster.’ Granny hugged me so tight my ribs hurt. She always called me a monster. To her, that wasn’t a bad thing.”

While Yunjae acknowledges that his grandmother does not mean to cause harm by calling him a “monster,” this is the first acknowledgment that the way Yunjae describes himself in the Prologue comes from his own family. Regardless of Granny’s intentions, Yunjae’s perception of himself as monstrous persists until the end of the book. This foreshadowing provides a grim reminder of the impact of language on neurodivergent people. Even though Granny also calls Yunjae “adorable,” the “monster” is what sticks with him.

“The doctors diagnosed me with alexithymia, or the inability to express your feelings. They figured that I was too young, my symptoms different from Asperger’s syndrome, and my other developments didn’t show signs of autism. It’s not necessarily that I was unable to express feelings, but more that I was unable to identify them in the first place.”

This excerpt uses medical terminology to describe and orient the reader to Yunjae’s experiences. The inclusion of Asperger’s syndrome as a possibility, however, is outdated. As of 2013, Asperger’s syndrome is considered synonymous with autism, and many people with autism consider the term to be useless at best and harmful at worst. However, it is correct that alexithymia can and does occur apart from autism, although the two are often comorbid conditions.

“‘You don’t need to get into the details, just nail the basics. At least it’ll make you seem like a normal person even if you might seem cold.’ To be honest, I couldn’t have cared less. Whether I was normal or not made little to no difference. To me it was as subtle as the differences in the nuance of the words.”

This quote emphasizes that Yunjae’s mother’s pressure on him to conform serves not his own comfort, but the comfort of others. Yunjae’s lack of emotion means that the responses of others do not matter much to him, at least at this point in the narrative. The emphasis on “normal” and “not normal” further divides Yunjae from his inherent humanity, continuing his internal journey toward seeing himself as a “monster.”

“Mom said everything was for my sake, calling it love. But to me it seemed like we were doing this out of her own desperation not to have a child that was different. Love, according to Mom’s actions, was nothing more than nagging about every little thing, with teary eyes, about how one should act such and such in this and that situation. If that was love, I’d rather neither give nor receive any. But of course, I didn’t say that out loud. That was all thanks to one of Mom’s codes of conduct—too much honesty hurts others—which I had memorized over and over so that it was stuck in my brain.”

Yunjae’s experience of love throughout the novel is centered around people trying to change him. This passage resonates with the neurodivergent experience of masking: adopting certain behaviors and patterns of speech to hide one’s condition, typically for the comfort of others or to avoid harsh treatment. While it is perhaps helpful that Yunjae has internalized his mother’s code of conduct, this passage contrasts that with Yunjae’s awareness that, to his mother, he must be “fixed” so she can have a “normal” child.

“Books took me to places I could never go otherwise. They shared the confessions of people I’d never met and lives I’d never witnessed. The emotions I could never feel, and the events I hadn’t experienced could all be found in those volumes.”

This passage gives insight into the novel’s motif of books but further demonstrates that Yunjae does, to some extent, experience empathy. While characters like Gon believe him to lack empathy, he has a deep interest in the lives and feelings of others. Books serve as the bridge between Yunjae and the rest of the world; while real people might be prone to ostracize or make assumptions about him, books allow him to interact with others without obstruction.

“The funeral, exactly eight days after my birthday, a new year came along. I was entirely by myself. All that was left in my life was the piles of books in mom’s bookstore. Everything else was mostly gone. I didn’t have to hang up the lotus lanterns and the Christmas decorations, or memorize the emotion charts, or go into town pushing through crowds to eat out on my birthday anymore.”

This passage provides insight into the complex, objective way Yunjae experiences grief. The list at the end of the passage has conflicting implications; while he sees each activity as useless or frustrating, the loss of his family also means that he is more aware of their absence. Not having to perform such frustrating tasks has become more of a reminder of his loss than a cause for celebration.

“That’s the boy who was at the murder scene. The boy who saw his family bleeding to death in front of him. But said he felt nothing without batting an eyelash. The rumors grew bigger and bigger on their own. Kids who claimed they had gone to elementary school or middle school with me said they had borne witness to my strange behavior. The gossip became outrageous, as gossip often does. According to one rumor, I had an IQ over 200. According to another, I would stab anyone who came near me. One even claimed that it was I who killed Mom and Granny.”

The language and imagery in this passage provide clear examples of the harmful myths and biases against neurodivergent people. The idea that neurodivergent people are always savants or more intelligent than others is a common and harmful stereotype, as is the notion that people who do not experience empathy are inherently more dangerous than others. Both stereotypes are typically associated with autism, demonstrating the narrow view of neurodivergent experiences that Yunjae’s classmates have. Rather than trying to understand his unique experience, they have made a monolith of all neurodivergent people.

“Everyone thinks ‘ordinary’ is easy and all, but how many of them would actually fit into the so-called smooth road the word implied? It sure was a lot harder for me, someone who was not born ordinary. That didn’t mean I was extraordinary. I was just a strange boy wandering around somewhere in between. So I decided to give it a try. To become ordinary.”

Yunjae interrogates the assumption that experiences are inherently binary—either normal or abnormal, neurodivergent or neurotypical. Much of the novel works to dissect language in this way and challenge assumptions about the way we use words to describe people or experiences. Yunjae’s desire to become ordinary is, therefore, a contradiction; while he does not seem to believe ordinary people exist, he does want to become one, demonstrating the recurrent theme of masking and changing oneself for society.

“People don’t realize how loud they can be when they gossip. Even when they try to whisper, the gossip always goes straight into others’ ears. Throughout the entire meal, stories about Gon floated in the air. That he’d come two days late because he refused to come, that he got into trouble the moment he was released from the center, that his school transfers cost however much, that another boy was pretending to be their son. All these stories gave me a headache. I just sat in the corner quietly, my back to them. I didn’t know why, but somehow, I felt I had to stay.”

The rumors that swirl about Gon directly parallel the list of rumors Yunjae notices about himself, even in sentence structure. While Yunjae does not know how to name his own emotional experiences, he experiences a form of empathetic connection to Gon through this parallel. Just as later he experiences his crush on Dora through physical reactions, here he grows aware of the pain such rumors cause him and Gon through a headache.

“According to Doctor Shim, Professor Yun was a man of principle. A man who absolutely hated causing others any trouble, so much so that he couldn’t bear his own flesh and blood completely going against his steadfast philosophy. Rather than feeling sorry for his son, he was more angry that the son he’d waited so long for had turned out to be such a mess. That was why Professor Yun chose to beat Gon and apologize to others time after time. He apologized to the teachers, to Gon’s classmates, and to me.”

This passage also develops the parallel between Gon and Yunjae through comparison and contrast. Both boys are rejected by their families because they are not what their parents want them to be, but the rejection Yunjae experiences is much subtler. While his mother wants him to change and thus causes him to believe he is not fully human through her insistence that he conforms, Gon’s father physically punishes him for his lack of conformity. While both boys have arguably experienced trauma for their unique emotional situations, Gon’s is sudden and violent, while Yunjae’s is slow and sustained.

“Anyway, this sounds cliché but you’ll eventually meet the people who you’re meant to meet, no matter what happens. Time will tell if your relationship with him is meant to be.”

Doctor Shim’s words frame Gon and Yunjae’s relationship as the most important bond in the novel. According to the translator’s note, she attempted to capture the way their relationship transcends typical friendship without straying from the original intent; this is reflected in the slightly romantic language in this passage. Additionally, Dr. Shim’s words emphasize a uniquely fatalistic perspective not present in other parts of the novel. If Gon and Yunjae’s relationship is meant to be, it raises the question of how many other events were “meant to be” as well.

“According to how the kids grouped us, Gon and I were each other ‘s ‘enemy.’ It wasn’t a stretch, given our history. So by unspoken agreement, Gon and ignored each other at school. We neither talked nor made eye contact. We were just two of the components that made up the school, like pieces of chalk or erasers. No one could be truthful there.”

Yunjae uses a simile to represent how Gon and himself are objectified by the school due to their respective emotional difficulties. Other people experience them as objects or as simplified assumptions and rumors; their relationship is not allowed to be complex on school grounds any more than they are. Yunjae’s statement at the end encompasses everyone in the school, however. What he and Gon experience is a microcosm of what the other students are already doing to themselves.

“I mean…it’s hard to describe…but like, did Brooke know when she was young that she would change? That she would grow old? That she would end up looking completely different from her youth? You know in your head that you’ll age and change, but it’s like hard to imagine, right? That thought just came to me.”

Gon’s discussion of aging and changing reflects his own experience in an almost tragic way. Like Brooke, he did not know as a toddler that he would end up looking and acting completely different from his childhood self. Further, others constantly remind Yunjae throughout the novel that he can grow and change in ways he does not and cannot expect. This builds the general theme of growth but emphasizes the way growth can be equal parts tragic and triumphant.

“‘You’re right. The doctor said I was born this way.’ Psychopath. That was what kids had called me since elementary school. Mom and Granny would go ballistic over it, but to some extent, I thought they had a point. Maybe I really was a psychopath. I wouldn’t feel guilty or confused, even if I hurt or killed somebody. I was born this way. ‘Born this way?’ Gon said. ‘That’s the shittiest thing people say.’”

The phrase “born this way” is often used as a restriction or as a triumph, depending on the audience. Gon interprets it as harmful because it implies people are incapable of change due to something inherent to their biology, which he views as cruel. While Gon’s belief in Yunjae’s ability to grow is inspiring and demonstrates his growing love for Yunjae, it also raises the question of whether Yunjae even needs to change. The assumptions Yunjae has internalized about himself come from the cruel words of others, not from his actual personality.

“We couldn’t possibly resemble each other. I was too numb and Gon didn’t admit he was vulnerable. He just pretended to be strong. People said there was no way to understand Gon. I didn’t agree with them. It’s just that nobody ever tried to see through him.”

Yunjae observes that his alexithymia gives him a unique advantage in perceiving Gon, even if they are incredibly different people. While others get bogged down in their own emotional responses to him, Yunjae can see him as he is without the obstructions of Gon’s own walls.

“‘What does love mean?’ Mom asked mischievously. ‘To discover beauty.’”

Yunjae’s only substantial guidance to the definition of love is his memory of his grandmother’s definition of it. This quote applies, in context, to Dora, but also describes Yunjae’s discoveries throughout the rest of the novel. All the same, it is not a full description of his discoveries, as Yunjae ends up finding love in difficult situations as well; in this way, this quote sets up the idea that beautiful and “ugly” love are two halves of a whole.

“They just tell me not to embarrass them. It was their choice to have me, but that doesn’t mean that I have to accomplish the missions they’ve set up. They keep threatening me that I’ll regret this, but even if I do regret it, that’s my choice to make. I think I’m just living up to my name. They named me Dora, so I guess I just have to be a dorai, a freak.”

The recurrent motif of children being pressured to conform in order not to embarrass their parents continues, but here, as with Gon, Dora refuses to conform to expectations. While Gon wears his delinquency angrily, Dora accepts the label of “freak” with joy. Both perspectives help Yunjae ground himself in his own identity.

“My annoying symptoms continued. No, they actually got worse with each day. My temples throbbed at the sight of Dora and my ears pricked up when I heard her voice from however far away, among however many people. I felt my body had outpaced my mind, and that it was as unnecessary and bothersome as a long overcoat in summer. I wanted so much to take it off. If only I could.”

As with the headache in the earlier passages, physical pain allows Yunjae a glimpse into his real emotions. While he might not be able to understand the emotions his crush is triggering in him, he experiences all the symptoms of a crush in his body, proving himself to be as emotional as any other person. Despite this, he does not enjoy the experience. While he seems to enjoy Dora as a person, he rarely views his crush on her as more than an inconvenience.

“Then he wheeled around and said, ‘We might not see each other from now on. So instead of a goodbye kiss, take this.’ He winked and slowly raised his middle finger. He wore a soft smile. That was the last time I saw him smile that way. Then he disappeared. And then, tragedy unfolded rapidly.”

The imagery and language in Gon and Yunjae’s final interaction before part four foreshadow Gon’s ultimate importance, especially in contrast to Dora. While Dora and her kiss fade from the narrative, Gon’s “kiss” leads Yunjae to pursue him into danger. Additionally, the contrast between Gon’s middle finger and his soft smile indicates something about his love for Yunjae, even if he cannot express it in a way most people would understand.

“Yes. I know. That Gon is a good kid. But if someone asked me to talk about him in more detail, I’d only be able to say that he beat me and hurt me, he ripped apart a butterfly, he set his face against the teachers, and threw things at my classmates. That’s how language is. It is as hard as proving that Leesu and Gon are the same person. So, I simply said, ‘I just know he is.’”

Once again, this passage shows Yunjae’s unique empathy. Although he does not have direct evidence of Gon’s good nature, he still has unwavering faith in him. Despite most people’s assumptions about him, Yunjae is deeply capable of love and belief in others and acts on his emotions to believe in Gon.

“I told Dora the same thing I had said to Doctor Shim. That if I understood Gon, I thought I could somehow understand what happened to Mom and Granny. I wanted to give it a try so that I could unlock at least one secret in life. ‘So did you find out?’ I shook my head. ‘But I found something else.’ ‘What?’ ‘Gon.’”

While not the climax of Yunjae’s emotional journey, this scene demonstrates his changed priorities. Even though he does not think he has gained any understanding about himself, he does not care; Gon is enough just being himself. Yunjae has learned to enjoy another person outside of what they think about him and what they can help him learn about himself, a significant departure from his childhood, where he was taught to always hide himself from others.

“A nail on the wall must have pricked my leg because it was bleeding. Gon saw and started weeping like a child. Yes, this was who he was. The kind of person who tears up at a drop of blood, who feels pain for others’ pain.”

This passage emphasizes Gon’s intense, dramatic, and painful experience of empathy. Notably, Yunjae’s injury does not even come from any action on a person’s part; Gon cries regardless of the cause. In the climax of the novel, Yunjae can, as before, see Gon for exactly who he is.

“Had Granny been in pain? As I was now? Had she nevertheless been relieved that she was the one in pain and not me? Plop. A teardrop fell on my face. It was hot. So hot that it burned. Just then, something inside my heart exploded. Strange feelings flooded in. No, they didn’t flood in. They flooded out. A dam that had existed somewhere inside my body burst. A sudden surge. Something inside me broke free, forever.”

In an almost fairy-tale ending, Gon’s tears and Yunjae’s understanding of what his sacrifice for Gon meant allow Yunjae to feel (or understand) his own emotions for the first time. This climactic point in Yunjae’s journey is illustrated through dramatic language and metaphor. While it might be harmful to depict a neurodivergent person being “healed” through love—as Yunjae didn’t have anything wrong with him—it nonetheless functions as a declaration of his and Gon’s love for one another.