All My Rage

In the present, Salahudin and Abu arrive at the cemetery for Ama’s funeral. Sal breathes in and out slowly, a breath exercise he often does, and tries to avoid thinking about the reality of the situation—that they are there to bury Ama. Sal feels resentment towards his father; Salahudin wasn’t with Ama when she died because he was home taking care of a drunken Abu.

Imam Shafiq, the local mosque leader, and his wife, Khadija, are there and help Salahudin and his father. Ashlee is also in attendance, although she is high on painkillers she took for her back. She broke her tailbone two years ago when giving birth to her daughter, Kaya, and is often on pain medication. Sal stands next to his father as the funeral begins and is flooded with relief when Noor comes up next to him and hands him an earbud. She plays “The Wanderer” by Johnny Cash and U2, one of Ama’s favorite songs. Abu wails as Ama is lowered into the ground, but Salahudin holds back his tears.

At the wake, the Muslims in attendance do the sunset prayer, and Abu gets drunk. Salahudin thinks about writing in his journal, his usual way to process his life, but he can’t bring himself to write since Ama died. After a brief conversation with his rude cousin Arselan, Salahudin walks Noor home. Ama’s death has brought them back together as friends, and Noor says Salahudin shouldn’t worry about her profession of love from before, telling him, “I’m over you” (62). As Salahudin makes his way home, he thinks about what his days will be like without Ama and knows there is now a hole inside of him that will never heal.

Noor avoids going inside Chachu’s house by listening to music and thinking about the past, like the time she and Salahudin broke into Chachu’s office. They were hoping to find Kit Kats but only found stacks of mail Chachu had saved. She also thinks of Ama’s cultural influence on her; Ama cooked her Pakistani food and taught her Punjabi curses while Chachu did all he could to separate her from Pakistani culture.

When Noor finally walks inside, Chachu asks about the funeral and then disparages Islam and Pakistan. He tells Noor she needs to work a morning shift tomorrow, Sunday, but Noor has a college interview scheduled. She can’t tell Chachu this, so she lies, but Chachu suspects her deception. Noor again thinks of how Chachu saved her, coming to her village in Pakistan and tearing through the rubble with his bare hands.

Chachu leaves the house, and Brooke, Chachu’s wife, emerges from a bedroom. Brooke doesn’t talk much with Noor but shows sporadic kindness to her. Noor goes to her room, head and arms aching, and thinks back to Auntie telling her that she must get out of Juniper. She forces herself to believe she will get into one of the colleges she applied to because it’s her only hope.

Ashlee waits outside the motel for Sal when he gets home, but he pulls away from her tight hug. Salahudin dislikes most physical touch. He doesn’t understand why, but touching other people makes him uncomfortable, sometimes to the point of nausea. Salahudin shares with Ashlee some of the reasons his mom didn’t take care of herself properly—a lack of health insurance and the workload she had to keep the motel running without Abu’s help. Ashlee listens, then asks Sal to share his mom’s painkiller prescription with her. Sal gets upset and breaks up with her.

Once she leaves, Sal enters his house—an apartment attached to the motel office—and eyes the stack of bills piled on the desk. He feels overwhelmed but is determined to keep the Clouds’ Rest going. Ama loved it, and he won’t let her years of hard work on the motel go to waste. Salahudin opens several late, unpaid bills—the car payment, electricity, gas, water, medical bills, cell phone, and credit card—but worst of all is a letter from the bank saying they are 60 days late on their payments for the business loan. The motel will be taken if Sal cannot come up with over $5,000 in 10 weeks.

Noor rescheduled her UPenn phone interview, and it’s happening today, Sunday, while she’s working at the store and Chachu isn’t around. As she listens to music and thinks through her answers to the interview questions, Uncle Toufiq, Salahudin’s dad, comes in to buy groceries and a bottle of liquor. When his credit card is declined, Noor says nothing and gives him the groceries, worried that if he can’t pay for the liquor, he will get desperate and steal it from another shop.

Salahudin comes in after his father leaves to keep Noor company like his mother used to do on Sundays. He helps Noor with the English poetry analysis essay she’s been working on, since English has always been Sal’s best subject and Noor’s worst. Salahudin stays at the shop to cover for Noor while she goes to the bathroom to take the interview phone call. He promises to text her if Chachu shows up unexpectedly.

The interview does not go well. Noor feels defensive as the interviewer asks about her uncle and makes assumptions about her upbringing, but many of Noor’s responses come across as aggressive. When Noor gets a text mid-interview that Chachu is at the door, she hangs up and pretends to be sick in front of Chachu. Chachu is skeptical, going so far as to check Noor’s phone and call the interviewer’s number back. Thankfully, no one answers, and Chachu sends Noor home. Even though Noor is relieved that Chachu didn’t catch her in a lie, she knows she now has no chance of getting into UPenn.

Creditors continuously call the Clouds’ Rest, and Sal stops answering the phone. He tells Noor about the debt, but not the extent of it, and explains that he refuses to sell the motel. Salahudin comments about the makeup Noor is wearing, and Noor gets self-conscious about it and leaves to go home. Once she’s gone, a repo man comes to collect Ama’s car, and Sal feels even more overwhelmed than before.

This chapter is a flashback to Misbah’s wedding day in Pakistan. The groom’s wedding party was late, and when they eventually arrived, Toufiq’s mother, Nargis, was intoxicated and made a scene. Misbah was shocked, but her father reassured her, calling her his pet name for her: “little butterfly” (97).

In March of the present day, the motel’s only regular tenant comes to the office and says he won’t be staying much longer, citing the lack of cleaning service and Wi-Fi as his reasons for going. Sal hurries to clean his room and refresh his towels, and as he works, he regrets failing to help Ama more with the motel. He has to enter the laundry room to start sheets and towels for the guests, but the scent and sight of the laundry room inexplicably make him nauseous. He avoids it at all costs, although he does not understand his aversion to it.

Noor finds Sal in the laundry room just as his head starts to spin. She takes over for him, and Salahudin is embarrassed when she sees him vomit. Sal hasn’t wanted Noor to see his and Abu’s messy apartment, but he can’t avoid it now as she walks him inside. Noor’s presence and familiar scent help calm Sal, and they clean the apartment together. Noor offers to take Ama’s remaining medications to the hospital, but Sal says he’ll take care of it, thinking of Art Britman’s statement that he could make money dealing drugs.

Noor encourages Sal to talk to Abu about the bills and the eviction notice that was on the door that morning, but Sal knows it won’t do any good. His father can’t sober up enough to help him, and his Uncle Faisal—Ama’s brother—refuses to help even though he has the money. Salahudin walks Noor home and, before they part, takes her hand and squeezes it. On his walk back home, he texts Art Britman.

Four more college rejection letters come, leaving only two schools Noor hasn’t heard from yet. Noor has a great SAT score and GPA, an impressive resume of hospital volunteer hours, and several great recommendation letters, so she knows the application essays are likely hindering her acceptance. Rather than writing about the truth—the raw struggles of her life—she wrote about surface-level experiences and problems.

In English class, Jamie pesters Noor about her latest essay grade and accuses Noor of letting Salahudin write her essays for her. Salahudin defends Noor and pursues her after class. After his persistent questions, Noor admits she’s been rejected from five schools. She didn’t have enough money to apply for many schools, so she stuck to schools she really wanted rather than applying to any backups. As Noor starts to cry, Salahudin wraps her in a rare hug and holds her, and Noor feels like she is home in his embrace.

Hugging Noor is fine at first, but after a few seconds, Sal’s skin starts to crawl, and he resorts to his breathing exercises to keep from panicking. Salahudin hates himself for wanting to push her away and wishes he could understand his body’s strange relationship with touch. He eventually pulls away from the hug, and he and Noor attempt to lighten the moment’s intensity for both of them with friendly banter. Salahudin feels happy for the rest of the day despite all of the struggles in his life at the moment because “the girl [he’s] falling for flirted with [him]” (118).

The next night, Sal goes to Art’s house, where Art sets him up with drugs like painkillers and Adderall to sell. Salahudin tells himself that dealing drugs will be temporary, just until he can pay down some of the bills, especially the debt on the motel. Upon returning home, Sal finds Abu passed out and the bills scattered haphazardly; Abu must have learned how much debt they are in. Salahudin fights anger when his father wakes and chooses to take Abu’s hand and show sympathy instead.