Every Day

“This escape. The water. The waves. Her. It feels like we’ve stepped outside of time.” 

This is A’s response to Rhiannon, when Rhiannon asks what A is thanking her for. A is speaking in fragments, unable to speak with the fullness of sentences, s/he is so overcome with happiness at the wonder of the day. The halting pauses of these fragments have the effect of emphasizing each image:“escape,”“water,”“waves.” These words have “stepped outside” the normal rules of the sentence, just as A feels the two of them have “stepped outside of time.” The phrases also emphasize A’s surprise at how differently the day has veered from his/her expectations. S/he woke up that morning expecting a very bad day. Instead, s/he ended up discovering timelessness with Rhiannon.

“That’s the law I’ve set down for myself—don’t disrupt the life you’re living in. Leave it as close to the same as you can.” 

This is A’s philosophy, a philosophy that no parent or teacher has taught them. Instead, s/he uses their own experiences and sense of ethics to come up with the idea that it’s not right for them, to try and change the lives of the people s/he inhabits. A’s job is simply to continue the trajectory that they themselves have established. And yet, the day after meeting Rhiannon, A finds him/herself deviating from this philosophy early in the book, when A is Leslie Wong. S/he stands up to Leslie’s brother, telling him to stop treating her badly, since she (Leslie) is the “one person in the world right now who is being decent to you” (45). A knows Leslie most likely would never talk like this. It foreshadows the rest of the book, where A will continue to deviate from their “law.”

“If it’s something I did, please tell me, and I’ll fix it [because] I want us to be together.” 

In the beginning of the book, Rhiannon is desperate to connect with Justin. She wants to make their troubled relationship work, and she will do anything. She emails him after a bad day, to see what’s wrong. A of course knows that this relationship is doomed and that the reason Rhiannon had a good day with Justin was because of A. A is aware of how far people will go in order to hang on to a relationship. During the book, A will do the same thing, attempting to hold on to a relationship with Rhiannon, even though eventually she knows it is doomed. 

“I must push myself as far away from the body as I can.”

A often is at odds with the bodies s/he inhabits because these are not his/her bodies; A is only a guest in their lives. But this feeling of being at odds with one’s body is extreme in this chapter. A’s body is drug-addicted, and A knows, to survive, s/he must battle the body and the body’s urges. A never even bothers to reveal the body’s name or gender. All is consumed in battling the terrible cravings of drugs, a craving that A knows will most likely lead to death very soon.

“The sound waves push us into each other, wrap around us like colors. We are paying attention to each other and we are paying attention to the enormity.” 

A has found Rhiannon; together, they dance at a house party. Rhiannon has no idea who she really is dancing with. A admits that, whiles/he is not a great dancer, they are still able to lose themselves in the music and in each other, connecting like they did at the beach. The sound waves recall the image of the ocean waves from chapter one, waves that pulse around them, obliterating everything else.

“I wanted friends, a mom, a dad, a dog—but I couldn’t hold on to any of them for more than a single day. It was brutal.” 

Despite A’s adaptability to her situation, their past is no less heartbreaking. S/he has been taken out of every home s/he has ever been in, every day, for over 6000 days. When A explains this to Rhiannon, it is the first time s/he has ever told anyone his/her story. Ironically, s/he is James, a football player, during this meeting, and the next day, s/he is Tom, James’s brother, and for the first time ever, s/he has the chance to spend two days in the same home, twice as much time as s/he has ever had before. A savors the strangeness of it. When s/he goes to bed, saying good night to his/her brother, it’s twice as hard.

“Self-preservation isn’t worth it if you can’t live with the self you’re preserving.” 

A breaks their own rules; s/he made a promise to him/herself not to interfere in the lives of the people s/he was inhabiting, to follow the day as they would have done so, but when s/he was Nathan, s/he ignored this, using his body to seek out Rhiannon. As a result, Nathan is tormented by questions that only A can answer. A knows s/he cannot live with him/herself by continuing to ignore him, since it’s A’s fault Nathan is in this predicament. But s/he also knows talking to Nathan could lead to trouble for A. This is the first time s/he has ever been discovered by another, and s/he is terrified by what this could mean. 

“Eventually the night would take its hold, but it would always feel like I was fading to sleep rather than falling.”

A reflects on what it’s like for him/her to fall asleep talking to a sibling or a friend. Even though it’s not really their own sibling or friend, and A will most likely never see that person again, it is still a comfort to have someone else there in the darkness, a time when “words take a different shape” (117). The connection A feels with others in the night allows them to feel safe and happy and makes life seem easier, as it does when s/he talks to “her” brother James before “fading to sleep.”

“I would wake up in a new body and wouldn’t comprehend why things felt muted, dimmer. Or the opposite—I’d be supercharged, unfocused, like a radio at top volume flipping quickly from station to station.” 

Throughout the book, A emphasizes the similarities among people, preferring to transcend differences by focusing on the belief that people are 98% the same. But at times, A must deal with difference. When A is Kelsea, A immediately knows there is something wrong with her/his body, which causes A to reflect on the connection between the body and feelings. Bodies interpret the world around them differently, sometimes very differently, as is clear from A’s image of the radio played at top volume, harshly discordant as it switches between stations, symbolizing a manic feeling as opposed to the “muted” image, symbolizing a more depressed state of mind. A has experienced that emotions like depression can be tied to a chemical imbalance in the body, and knows that Kelsea’s imbalances require significant intervention.

“I am always amazed by people who know something is wrong but still insist on ignoring it, as if that will somehow make it go away.”

Kelsea’s father lives with Kelsea, seeing her every day, driving her to school, having dinner at night. And yet the father doesn’t truly see her. He has blinded himself to her needs, which are urgent and life-threatening. A knows the situation is desperate, and despite A’s philosophy of non-intervention, s/he knows s/he must intervene.

“Part of growing up is making sure your sense of reality isn’t entirely grounded in your own mind.” 

The mind is endlessly powerful, but it can also be damaged and distorted. A’s mind has been formed from the experience of living in so many different and diverse individuals, which has allowed A to be open-minded and not blinded and narrowed. However, s/he is aware of how Kelsea’s mind has been warped by her habit of harmful thoughts, and that her isolation from others distorts her reality even further. Her mind has become a trap which she cannot escape on her own.

“I’m fascinated by the life Ashley must lead, being such a knockout. Like being very short or very tall, it must change your whole perspective on the world. If other people see you differently, you’ll end up seeing them differently too.” 

Ashley Ashton is beautiful; she knows it, and everyone else knows it, too. A is aware of how this must transform Ashley’s view of the world, a world in which she knows she can manipulate others with her beauty in order to get special treatment. But A is also aware of how such a focus on appearances leads to a superficial existence; A knows how much work goes into looking so perfect, humorously adding, “My only course of rebellion is to leave her eyebrows unplucked for the day” (149). Also, A is aware of the transitory experience of beauty. Justin’s favorite quote from The Outsiders is something that Ashley has yet to learn:“Nothing gold can stay”(194).

“Because her normal existence is so foreign to me, so intriguing to me, it starts to feel a little more interesting to her as well.”

A’s different way of seeing the world opens up Rhiannon’s world as well. Rhiannon sees her life, her family, her stories with new eyes. A teaches her to appreciate the mundane details of daily life as extraordinary, especially since A has been deprived of these.

“I am an island in the hall as people push around me. She is another island. I see her, and she knows exactly who I am.” 

A uses the metaphor of islands to describe their isolation from each other and from others. It’s interesting to note that Rhiannon is an island as well, emphasizing that they are similarly isolated from the world around them. When Rhiannon looks up and sees A, this is the first time that A has ever experienced the feeling of being recognized by another. This is the first time someone has ever returned A’s gaze.

“This is what love does: It makes you want to rewrite the world. It makes you want to choose the characters, build the scenery, guide the plot. The person you love sits across from you, and you want to do everything in your power to make it possible, endlessly possible.” 

Love has changed A’s life. S/he suddenly experiences a desire for power and control that s/he has never felt before. Love has energized A to believe s/he can create a world where anything is possible, despite the overwhelming odds. This sense of purpose is something completely new to A. The feeling of having been recognized for the very first time makes A believe s/he can make his/her dreams come true.

“And just like that, the universe goes wrong. Just like that, all the enormity seems to shrink into a ball and float away from my reach.” 

Unfortunately, the exhilaration from the previous quote instantly evaporates when Rhiannon asks that they keep their communication to email, rather than meeting face-to-face. A is crushed. Love, which has the power to make everything seem possible, when denied, makes everything seem impossible. The emotion of love is so powerful that, when it seems to recede, it affects everything, diminishing the whole universe.

“I am the people in the other cars, each with his or her own story but passing too quickly to be noticed or understood.” 

Like the island metaphor, the car metaphor emphasizes the loneliness and disconnection that A often feels. S/he is Daniel Stevens’ today, and s/he is lucky to have such a loving active family to be a part of. But A is never truly a part of any of it. The image of cars parallel on the road, emphasizes the closeness and, at the same time, the distance of people, as well as the speed of modern life, as people rush through their days, side-by-side but always separate.

I have always been grateful for technology but now it feels as if there’s a little hitch of separation woven into any digital interaction.” 

A is frustrated at the limitations of email. Sometimes it’s the only way s/he can communicate with Rhiannon, but s/he knows email is unable to capture all of the thoughts and feelings A wants to share with her. In addition, when Rhiannon doesn’t email right away, it can often be a torment waiting for a reply. (Nathan feels a similar torment when A doesn’t reply right away.)Also, A is confused by Rhiannon’s vague or polite emails that leave A wondering what Rhiannon really means to say. The irony is that technology often separates as much as it connects.

“Breath and heat and contact and shirts off and skin on skin and smiles and murmurs and the enormity revealing itself in the tiniest of gestures, the most delicate sensations.”

The “ands” seem endless, as they pull together “breath, “heat,” “contact.” Each noun is a new discovery as A and Rhiannon explore each other’s bodies in one long delicate gesture. Earlier, A had referred to “enormity” as a feeling experienced in the great gestures of nature—the ocean, the woods. Ironically, with Rhiannon, the scale of enormity changes. A feels this expansiveness in the smallest of gestures.

“That he was meant to be a boy, to live in the blur between a boyish girl and a girlish boy.” 

No pronoun exactly defines Vic. His gender seems to lie more on a spectrum of gender, and yet society often doesn’t recognize this spectrum. A identifies with Vic’s feeling of living in the “wrong body,” or at least wrong in the eyes of society (254). 

“Because I am not a part of this, and will never be a part of something like this. I’ve known this for a while, but you can know something for years without it really hitting you. Now it’s hitting me. I will never have a family to grieve for me.” 

A is powerfully affected by attending their first funeral. The funeral for Marc’s grandfather makes A think of their own mortality. A imagines a future where no one will ever know s/he lived, in great contrast to the grandfather, who was loved by so many.

“I saw someone who does not play by the same set of rules.” 

A knows immediately that Poole is dangerous. Poole does not live by the same ethical boundaries that A has established for him/herself. And because Poole is a spirit like A, without a body, Poole has great power to do evil without getting caught; the only one who would get in trouble would be the body he was inhabiting. A knows this unchecked power could destroy lives, including A’s own life because s/he too would become corrupted if s/he followed Poole’s advice.

“But part of what makes his personality work is his ability to stick around, to be there day in and day out for people. His friends rely on him, and he relies on them—the simple balance on which so many lives are built.” 

A admires the commitments that Alexander has with his family and friends. It echoes Rhiannon’s similar emphasis on her friends and her desire to share her life with them. This is the opposite of what A can offer; there is nothing in the future that A can commit to.